How to say gently that I don’t want to be her friend anymore?

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  • October 6, 2022 at 9:59 am #1116376

    TLDR. friend repeatedly make uncomfortable remarks or passive aggressive jokes. I tried to talk it out but failed. How to say that I don’t want to be her friends anymore as gentle as possible?

    sorry it’s a bit long winded.. please call me out if I’m doing something wrong.

    I (28F, single office worker) am a very quiet, boring and recluse. I don’t have any other close friends except my friend (31F, stay at home wife, no kids). She is very cute, likes hangouts and need a lot of attention.

    Our friendship went back to college, where we had mutual hobby interests in art, comics and games. with the slight difference I love art in general while she loves Japan culture, in particular anime, game and cosplay. After graduation; me, her and her BF (now her husband) were sharing apartment together. It was fun days which we played board games, make dinner together, visit performances, etc.

    Fast forward now, I and them are living in different countries. I was her bridesmaid during their wedding and very happy to see the couple married. Later on we went separate ways, where I stay with my family in my homeland and she w/ her husband moved to another country, living together with her 2 younger female cousins.

    My main interaction online with her is usually me sending her new novel recommendations, cute/amazing art or interesting games to talk about together. sometimes she would initiate it to but she mostly ask what I’m doing and don’t talk about herself very much, even when asked.

    When the pandemic hits.. she started to have odd behaviors. Until now, I’m still not sure what happen since when I asked she would ignore the question and went to another topic instead. She also began to repeatedly ask whether I’m angry at her. I have already said no but she doesn’t believe it. Now I don’t dare to ask anymore.

    The odd behaviors were mostly giving subtle passive aggressive remarks and sweeping everything under jokes. for example:
    – we had this little tradition that arise during pandemic where we celebrate people’s birthday in-game house. During my birthday, IRL she sent me a cake she loves and then in-game decided to fill the decorations full of things I hate.. She said she wasn’t sure what I like so she decorate it with the things I don’t like. I’m not sure if she tried to have memorable birthday prank but at that time I was only shocked and brushed it off.
    – the other time, me, her w/ her husband, were playing the game together. I only had 2 items left and had used one for myself. I gave the last one to her husband, part random, part pity because when we play I would prioritize her instead of her husband. Later on when the friend group had nice and pleasant voice chat together, she barged in, half-drunk, asking if I hate her, in front of everyone. I was totally confused and her husband explained that during their dinner, she was really troubled to the point of drunk because I gave a game item to her husband instead of her. Luckily, everyone laughed at the end but I felt very wronged and ridiculous because I don’t have that much attachment for game items in general. she seems very attached on game items, cause many times she would be jealous if I get rare item faster than her.
    – this is a habit before pandemic and last until now. she would repeatedly pair me up with any single guy she thinks “look” well with me… she would be very vocal in front of me and X guy that we look good together and should just get married. it really makes things feel awkward many times. problem is, (1) she didn’t ask me and the guy whether we like it (2) even if both of us said no, she keep insisting. (3) we only met online, didn’t have many interactions, don’t know face, don’t know the other well. I had said no many times, and even said I’m not looking but she still insist this behavior. She would also throw in a joke that I’m building up a harem whenever I was having a tiny bit nice interaction with any guy. It become normal for me to mute myself during group chat.
    – when I asked her home address to send her gift, she asked if it was perishable. I said “no, it would be horrible if it did”. I was going to type “I won’t send expire food to you..” but she replied a lot faster and wrote “lol a dead puppy in a box”. I was speechless.. I know she loves puppy, but just the fact buying a dog as gift to someone who’s not ready (and the apartment doesn’t allowed) is irresponsible. I’m not sure what kind of evil image she had about me at this point. I said the joke is horrible and she said it’s just a joke then shift to another topic directly.
    – During our recent IRL meetup, she exclaimed in front of everyone that I would only reply 2 days later. that only happened once. it was that one time I got into hospital for a week and she knew about it. she also said several things that makes me feel uncomfortable..

    There are many more interactions such as spamming me over all social medias just to water her friend’s digital game plant, complaining that I don’t accompany her enough whenever we talk, repeatedly connoting that I’m hiding something from her, sending message daily with only the words “how are you?”, asking me to WFH specially during the game days, asking me if I do p0rn art commission on behalf of her online friend, always belittling herself and her husband by saying “we are bad influence to you”, coquettishly complained to her husband when I didn’t allow her to pet me on the head, etc.

    I could only feel that she doesn’t have any trust on me. and now, nor do I. What’s left for me is the feeling of dread and anxiety when I see her message popping out or even the thought of logging in the game/meetup scared me. I want to stop being friends but she’s the type that doesn’t accept no. I’m afraid she doesn’t take it well, complained about me and brought drama to the whole friend/online group into this, with nobody trusting me since these friends are indeed closer to her. What should I do?

    October 6, 2022 at 10:19 am #1116377

    Don’t have time to read right now, will later, but you just do a fade. You don’t have to say anything, and it’s better not to.

    October 6, 2022 at 10:30 am #1116378

    It sounds like the friendship has run its course. It happens. Agree with Kate, just do the fade. Be available less, take time to respond. Hide your social media if needed. Stop sending gifts. When she asks what’s wrong, just tell her you’re busier than ever. You may be busy reading reddit posts on the internet or making lists of your favorite cereals. It’s your time and you can choose to spend it however you like.

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    October 6, 2022 at 11:25 am #1116379

    Agree with the fade. It sounds like you no longer live near one another geographically and at this point your friendship is predominantly based on online/gaming interactions, so it shouldn’t be too hard.

    Even if you are introverted and a homebody, I think it’s still important to have local friends. You can take the time and energy you were putting into this friendship to meet new people who live in your area. There are so many avenues these days through which you can connect with potential new friends and dating prospects.

    October 6, 2022 at 3:42 pm #1116380

    I really can’t understand why you care so much about what she says to or about you. I mean, yeah, the way you write about her it sounds like she really sucks as a friend, but you choose to have her as your sole friend. She lives in another country. You can just not respond. It’s okay. She sounds like kind of an asshole, and if this is you’re only IRL friend and she lives really, really far away now, you should really try and meet some new people. You’re life shouldn’t revolve or maybe not revolve but focus heavily on friendships you’ve outgrown, with people that you no longer actually like.

    If you don’t respond, or respond once every five messages for a few weeks to nothing, she will move on to bullying someone else.

    October 6, 2022 at 3:42 pm #1116381

    Your* ugh.

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How to say gently that I don’t want to be her friend anymore?

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