Hi. Need some help handling a delicate situation.
Around the end of 2018 my mom “moved” far away to be near my grandparents and her siblings. The move also gave her a break from my unstable ypungest sister. I say “moved” because almost as soon as she left, she started visiting. And visiting. And visiting. Her visits would last for weeks. They never had a set time, she just showed up and stayed til she left. One year she visited off and on for 23 out of the 52 weeks. It wasn’t just a visit; it was taking her to the doctor, taking her to see her friends, taking her to see all “the kids” (adult children with jobs and social obligations), taking her shopping and many other errands. Needless to say, her visits caused a complete pause in my life so I could be available to execute her errands. I had to flake out on garden club, book club, friend visits. Her visits prevented my inlaws from visiting as she was occupying the guest room. Her visiting prevented us from helping my daughter-in-law’s brother who needed a safe place during Covid (which strained relations for a while).
Then my middle sister (who left work to live with my retired, financially independent mother) started joining mom on her visits. They’re ungracious guests. Mother leaves piles of dishes which I am perfectly happy to wash but she insists she will and then proceeds to leave them for hours. Their dogs are up at all hours to go out. We don’t have our dog on the couch (she’s old and large so I sit with her on the floor) but they insist we allow their dogs on the furniture. They leave lights on all over the house. Mom has burned pans, broken things, lost things. She has snooped through our cabinets and closets. All this time, my youngest sister, my kids, my niblings would all visit her at my house, noticed I seemed frazzled or tired but sorta had this “aww, it’s not that bad” attitude. But she’s my mom, I do love her. So I just let them keep staying.
Last year it came to a head during one of their mid year visits when my husband committed the unthinkable sin of asking them (in casual conversation) how long they’d be here. They became silent, then indignant. They packed up and left the next day. They proceeded to tell everyone in our family that we had been inhospitable and made them unwelcome. Not just here among us, but to our extended family. My aunts, my cousins, my grandma. Everyone. Needless to say, their following visits were finally to the homes of everyone else. Though it’s a good break for me, in just 8 months (from late summer last year to June this year) they managed to wear the entire family out. I’ve had almost all of them (sis, kids, niblings) tell me that they are burnt out on the visits and realize how much I was dealing with. Vindicating, yes, but the problem remains.
Middle sis dumps mom at one house and then goes and visits at another and they just flip around like that for several weeks. She tells mom that she has babysitting jobs but she confided in youngest sis that it’s not true. It’s just her getaway.
We love my mom and like being able to see her. But she just absolutely needs her own space to reside in while she’s here because, let’s face it, she’s not visiting, she’s living here part time. I’ve suggested AirBnB, renting a garage apartment, buying a small rv (which she’s always had an interest in) and staying at the nice rv park near me. Nothing. She just hems and haws while continuing to burn pans and butt in.
How, how do we get them to stop? There’s just no nice way to say that we’ve all had it but, we’ve all had it. Now that everyone is on the same page, is there something we do collectively or does one person say something? We’re just spent and frustrated.