- This topic has 6 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 1 week ago by Kate.
November 23, 2022 at 8:32 am #1116933KittyGuest
I found out on Saturday my husband had been exchanging filthy messages and pictures with someone on Snapchat. He denied at first and then claimed the they were old and he shouldn’t have kept them. I’ve since found out he was exchanging messages with another (married) woman (I logged on to his Instagram and she had messaged him on there to see if the coast was clear, he’d obviously warned her). I messaged back pretending to be him to see the extent of their communications and looks as those it’s been pictures and explicit stuff (he assured me prior they were friends only) since this discovery I’ve given him ample opportunity to confess it all and he hasn’t. He is sleeping in our garden office and his messages sound very bleak and he is clearly in a bad place, he told me a work colleague made him go to the drs today and he is getting a call as a matter of urgency. He doesn’t know I know about the other girl yet and as wrong as it sounds I’m worried to make him feel worse. I’m so confused. This isn’t the first time he’s messaged other woman, no physical contact but messages and picturesNovember 23, 2022 at 2:41 pm #1116946golfer.galGuest
He’s never going to stop messaging and exchanging photos, his behavior on that is really clear. Remember, cheaters almost always admit to the least possible amount that they can. Realistically there have been more than these 2 women. Even the fact that he’s making this period about him and his feelings (his fear, his “guilt”, whatever) isn’t good. He’s trying to make you feel guilty and worried about/sorry for him in the hopes of never having to deal with what he’s done. It’s selfish and manipulative, and it’s obviously working. He’s cheated on you multiple times and destroyed your trust and your marriage, and you’re worried about upsetting him. Also note, what he’s doing seems like progress or remorse (the urgent medical appointment, whatever because he’s just SO distraught) but it’s not. Real remorse would be centering YOU: being honest with you, admitting the lies, putting his feelings aside to see what YOU need, not having you cater to him because he’s just so upset. He’s doing a lot of stuff that might look like he’ll change but involves literally none of the hard work to actually change in hopes that you’ll drop it and stick around.
Your choices going forward are: stay married and accept that he’s always going to have sexually explicit interactions with others, or leave. I know which one I’d pick. If you’re ready to leave then I’d talk to a few divorce attorneys in your area before you tell him. You can call a local mental health or domestic violence hotline to get advice on what to do if your husband threatens suicide or becomes violent when you leave. You might also consider telling his parents/close friends/family that you’re worried about his safety (if you are). But otherwise you really don’t have any obligation to him. He’s an adult.November 23, 2022 at 3:33 pm #1116948AnonymousseGuest
It’s incredible you feel sorry for him right now, even though he doesn’t even know all that you know, and he’s actively lying to you.
Therapy! Don’t feel sorry for him, he does this to himself.November 23, 2022 at 3:46 pm #1116949CopaParticipant
I think @golfer.gal nailed it. Any “bad place” he’s in right now is because he got caught (again), not because he’s sorry for his behavior or hurting you.November 23, 2022 at 4:37 pm #1116950AnonymousseGuest
I have a feeling he knows just how to play this so you feel too bad for him (why?) and back off.November 23, 2022 at 7:33 pm #1116951ronGuest
He cheated, but it’s worse than that, he lied about it, he continues to gaslight you, he continues to contact her but now they are working our a way to be more careful so you don’t catch them again. He won’t stop. If he wanted to stop or even was willing to stop based on being busted by you, then he would have stopped and he wouldn’t be lying to you. You can never trust him. He doesn’t deserve your pity or concern and he seems to be not all that much into you. Fuck him (not literally). MOA.November 24, 2022 at 9:12 am #1116955KateGuest
He’s manipulating the hell out of you with this “poor me, I’m in a bad place” thing, and it’s working. Don’t let him get away with that. Tell him what you know and to cut the shit with the poor me act, because he’s the one who hurt you, and guess what, he also threw away his marriage, bye bitch.
This is awful, it must be incredibly painful, and I know it’s tempting to think, ok, he’s feeling so bad about this, surely he won’t do it again, and we can move on from this. Unfortunately, you can’t. He’ll absolutely keep doing it, you’ll catch him again, this shitty cycle will continue, and after some time your marriage will entirely fall apart because it lacks trust, respect, safety, closeness, and everything it needs to survive. As painful as it is, it’s much better to cut it off now and start the process of healing and moving on.