- This topic has 13 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 2 months, 2 weeks ago by Ankat.
December 8, 2020 at 10:56 pm #969540JennyGuest
Just hoping for some advice and clarity.
My husband is 32 years old and met some new friends a little over a year ago. Since then his weekend lifestyle has changed quite drastically from how I’ve always known him to be, and very different from my own values.
About every other weekend he hangs out with them at one of the guys’ place drinking, etc. He usually doesn’t come home until 2am, a few times he has even stayed the night there to sober up and I don’t see him until the next morning.
I get this is fine once in awhile, but it’s every time he’s with them. I loose sleep because he gets home so late and it wakes me up and then he is so tired the next day it hinders our weekend plans.
I’ve talked to him about it but he thinks I am trying to control him. He tells me he is an adult man and he wouldn’t question the time I got home with my friends.
I hardly know his friend group, I’ve tried but I just don’t fit with the dynamic. Probably because this isn’t my lifestyle on an every weekend basis. So I really feel distant from my husband every time he hangs out with them, like he goes to this world that I am not a part of at all.
Do you know any good compromised I could suggest, or am I being too controlling?December 8, 2020 at 11:14 pm #969545BittergaymarkGuest
One night every two weeks doesn’t sound that crazy to me. And if he wants to drink it seems rather responsible to crash there and NOT drive home.December 8, 2020 at 11:16 pm #969546BittergaymarkGuest
Also? 2 am isn’t exactly crazy late either.December 8, 2020 at 11:35 pm #969553TuiParticipant
I’d be a bit frustrated too, but like Mark, I think alternate weekends isn’t too excessive. I’d concentrate on making my own fun plans for those weekends and see friends or do stuff he wouldn’t want to do with you anyway. Is he the main crux of your social life? It’s healthy to have your own friends and not do everything as a couple.
Unless he’s doing immoral/illegal things you need to let it go and trust him to look after himself. Once those friends start having kids, drift away and his hangovers are worse he may well get tired of that scene soon enough.
December 9, 2020 at 2:15 am #969602golfer.galGuest
- This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by Tui.
Tina?December 9, 2020 at 5:37 am #969644KateKeymaster
Yup. Hi Tina.
Congratulations, you figured out how to distort the story enough that people thought you were being unreasonable. That’s what you wanted, right? To have some internet strangers tell you you’re being controlling and unreasonable and that your husband’s behavior is acceptable? Well, great! You got it, after how many posts?
Problem solved. Now you know what to do. Just tell yourself he drinks at a guy friend’s house every other weekend and comes home at 2am, or sometimes crashes there all night because he’s being responsible. All good. Nothing to see here.December 9, 2020 at 8:11 am #969700ktfranParticipant
I’ll keep saying it hoping that one day it will sink in…
It doesn’t matter what others think is acceptable behavior in a relationship. Everyone has different needs and comfort levels. Also, you can’t change someone.
This is who your husband is. You have two choices. 1) Stay, learn to accept your husband as he is and find a way to deal with it. 2) Leave and be much happier.December 9, 2020 at 8:16 am #969702anonymousseParticipant
Last night I saw this and thought, it actually does sound like he’s cheating to me. As plausible as staying to sleep it off sounds, I’m familiar with it being an excuse to stay the night for an affair.
So, hi Tina. How’s it going? The same, right? Are you going to stay with him or make a change?December 9, 2020 at 8:56 am #969722HelenGuest
Even this presentation of the situation wouldn’t be ok with me. I would be hurt if my husband devoted every other weekend to “friends” that I didn’t fit in with. You are obviously unhappy Tina. Either leave or accept that you’re not your husband’s only partner.December 9, 2020 at 10:08 am #969757golfer.galGuest
Well, she says every other weekend early in the post, and then every weekend in the last paragraph. So she can’t even bring herself to be honest about how often this is occurring. After, what, 2 years of this there is still so much lying and downplaying and blurring of the truth to make this seem more palatable, and she’s still stuck at step 1: acceptance.
Just replace the word “friends” with “mistress” and you have (most of) the real story. Tina – it’s clear you will never leave. But at least stop lying to yourself, us, and people in your life like your friends and family. There are many, many compromises we have suggested, but all of them require your husband to be willing to change, and he is not. You know this. We know this. You went so far as to tell him you would leave if he didn’t stop seeing her, remember? And he told you, in no uncertain terms, to gtfo. I cannot imagine living with this level of lying, pretending, and misery with a man who doesn’t love me. But it’s not my choice.December 9, 2020 at 11:03 am #969783anonymousseParticipant
I think it’s been a lot longer than two years.December 9, 2020 at 11:31 am #969798golfer.galGuest
Good point Anon. I forgot about the incompatibility on kids, the severe emotional and financial abuse, the disdain for her family, and the complete lack of human empathy. Those things don’t spring up overnight- this has been a sinking ship for a decade and we’re in floating door/ frozen Jack Dawson territory now