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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Husband manipulates me sexually

Home Forums Advice & Chat Husband manipulates me sexually

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  • #1110726 Reply
    drowning
    Guest

    Hello, my husband and I have been together for over a decade. I was young when we started dating and things seemed fine. He mentioned at the beginning he wanted Martha Stewart in the house and a whore in the bedroom. I didn’t think much of it as our sex life was fine and continued to be for years. He always joked about a threesome and wanted to try an@l. I did give in and gave him an@l early on, and from then have never enjoyed it and he somehow talked me into giving him an@l regularly. He would use it as a negotiation tool. “I’ll go out to dinner at your favorite restaurant for an@l” as an example. Id say No, that’s ridiculous. He’s say ok then, no dinner. and then proceed to mention how dinner sure would be nice at such and such a place, too bad his wife was a prude. Or a meany. Or depriving him of his needs in this marriage.

    I have given him a threesome, to which he was happy about at the time and I thought that checked that off his bucket list, but then he never seems to be satisfied for long and suddenly he goes from loving me so much and how much it meant to him to, “It was alright” and he’ll list reasons why suddenly it wasn’t as good as he thought. Suddenly he wants to try again and the cycle continues. He wants me to find the girl, I told him if he wants it, he has to because I am not good at it, I’m awkward and he knows what he likes. He refuses, and says it’s weird coming from the male. So the pressure is all on me to make him happy. Meanwhile, we go through cycles of where he wants exciting sex. Like, wants to see me double penetrated, regular an@l and after having kids with him, I have permanent hemorrhoids and an prolapse and he doesn’t seem to care. I’ve told him it’s uncomfortable, so then he says it doesn’t have to be an@l but something exciting. So I try to dress up and be sltty for him. Put on p0rno or tell him a dirty story and he is bored with that and says we’ve done that too much. Whenever we have a kid-free night, he has this expectation that I’ve planned a woman to come over or it’s automatically his night sexually. He never is intimate with me or makes love to me. Sex is 90% about getting him off otherwise he is grumpy. Says he is not happy with me but that he loves me. I have done more sexually with him than I have with any man and more than any of my gf’s. We even did a foursome where we swapped partners. I don’t think this in my relationship to feel happy or satisfied but he does. He watches p0rn so much and I feel like he has developed an unhealthy view of what intimacy and sex in a marriage are. Things seem to cycle through a boiling point where we have a huge fight about it, and then I give in, giving him an@l or something and then things are ok for a while. Well, the other night we had a kid-free night and I had been feeling neglected lately and unattractive by him as he comments on every woman, neighbour, and friend about how attractive they are or how he’d love to fuck them and I should ask them (dear god no) So this kid free night I got into some sexy short shorts and white crop top no bra and tried to tease him into showing me some affection and intimacy. I was touching myself, rubbing my ass on him, you name it…..he didn’t touch me once. In fact, he when I got upset he accused me of only needing attention and pulling this “crap” when it’s his night. I can count on one hand how many times this year he has made sex about me and it’s usually my birthday or mothers day. So back to this night, I end up just turning over in bed and crying. He asks what’s wrong so I tell him I feel unwanted by him and that he wants everyone but me. He said that’s not true and if he didn’t want me he wouldn’t be here, but then says I always try ways to get out of these nights or make them about me, I don’t think that is true. We end up fighting all night until the early morning. Me telling him how I feel and opening up eventually leads to him turning it around on me, how I don’t satisfy him and find excuses to not give what he wants, and this “act” Of feeling neglected is one of them and that I don’t really feel like this because if I did I would do it on a regular Thursday and not on a kid free night that he was looking forward to. At the end of it, I feel dismissed and it’s right back to about him.

    I am exhausted. I don’t ask much of him. I do all the cooking, the cleaning and the majority of parenting. I do our finances, planning and he asks me favours and chores all the time that add to my list when I’m already doing everything I point that out and he says “well what else are you doing” and I will reply, literally everything to maintain this house and family.

    I wouldn’t mind as much if I felt I got some appreciation but he is very critical of everything I do. I don’t clean enough, the house is embarrassing, the dinners are bland…. he mocks me for the things I do enjoy and tells me how messed up it is that I like certain shows or foods.

    I can’t tell you the last time he has voluntarily told me how lucky he is to have me, or how beautiful I am….He will tell me he loves me but even then rarely does it feel heartfelt.

    We have a family, I do not work. Leaving is just not in the cards right now. He won’t go to counseling and at the end of the day, I do love him but I realize there is a level of emotional/sexual abuse here and my mental health is suffering. I am writing this as a point of desperation and no where to turn. desperate for change, for love and attention. Those basic human needs. There is much much. more here. More than I could ever get into…I cannot hang out with an attractive friend without him asking or mentioning if she would be interested and when I feel forced to ask friends, it’s sometimes the end of that friendship and he will say they are prude and it’s ridiculous. All they had to say was no, but when they do, they are boring and lame….

    anyways, this is my life. Definitely not what I imagined my life would be…advice or coping mechanisms would be great…or some way to get through to him…

    #1110727 Reply
    golfer.gal
    Guest

    Oh honey. There isn’t “a level” of abuse here, you are in a viciously abusive marriage. Your priorities should not be to get through to him or make this work, they should be to get out as soon as humanly possible and protect your children. This is more than an advice site can help you with.

    Pick up the book “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. Spend some time on http://www.thehotline.org. Start saving money – preferably by getting a job with benefits. Absolutely do not have sex that is painful for you, ever. If he tries to guilt you, too bad for him. Get tested for STD’s and tell your doctor what’s going on at home. Get into counseling alone – NOT with your husband. There is a reason you were very young when you got together, because young women are easy to control and manipulate. This will never get better, only worse. When he realizes you are pulling away or making plans to leave he will get more controlling and manipulative, and possibly violent. You need to make a plan with professionals to get out safely- avail yourself of local resources including women’s shelters, pro bono legal services in your city, etc. Look at the resources Lundy recommends in his book. Talk to an attorney, most will do an initial consultation for free. The Divorce Survival Guide podcast is also a free resource specifically for women in abusive relationships who are preparing to leave, listen to it. Seriously, I cannot stress enough that every move you make going forward should be towards getting yourself out. There is no saving this or fixing him. I am so sorry.

    #1110729 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    What golfer gal said. You’re in an abusive relationship. There’s no getting through to him, or figuring out how to deal with this. You need to talk to a domestic abuse counselor and a lawyer. This is 100% grounds for divorce.

    #1110731 Reply
    WhyDoWeExist?
    Guest

    Run. This will only get worse.

    #1110732 Reply
    Hazel
    Participant

    You do have to leave him. This will indeed only get worse. Make a good plan and escape to a much much happier life. Enlist all the help you can, if you do not have friends or family on hand to help, tell what you told here to any rescue/ domestic advice establishment and you will get help. But this is absolutely no way to live your life, please rescue yourself now, you will be so so glad you did.

    #1110787 Reply
    Daisy
    Guest

    Oh wow, PLEASE listen to everyone else’s advice and talk to a domestic violence counselor who can help you make a plan to get out. Getting your own therapist (NOT couples counseling) would be great, too, if you can afford that. Manipulators like your husband do such a great job of convincing you that everything is your fault, or that you can’t do any better than them. It can take professional guidance to undo his years of emotional abuse.

    Your husband doesn’t care about your well-being. He sees you as a domestic and sexual servant, and your needs will never matter to him, no matter how well you express them or how many of his demands you give in to. There is literally nothing YOU can do to make this marriage better. But you can get out of it, and make your LIFE better.

    I used to be with someone who constantly criticized everything I did sexually, complained that I wasn’t “exciting” enough, that we didn’t have “fun” in bed anymore (what he meant was HIS idea of fun, not mine). I can’t TELL you how relieving it is to have left him and to now be with a partner who is just happy to have sex with me in a way we BOTH enjoy, who cares about my satisfaction as much as (maybe more than) his own, who takes me out on dates not to get sexual favors from me but because he ENJOYS spending time with me, who does half of the housework because he lives there too. I hope you manage to get out of this awful situation so you can be free to find that too. But first, work with a therapist to undo the crap that this abuser has done to your sense of self worth.

    Good luck to you! You deserve happiness and true affection.

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