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Dear Wendy

Husband Okayed Me Sleeping With Other People!!

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by avatar dinoceros 3 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #845691 Reply

    So last night I was talking to my husband and made some offhand joke about becoming a prostitute to get the bills payed. He responded to me with “Whatever floats your boat” and I was like “Yeah, right. You’re okay with me sleeping with other people?” And he was like “Yeah, I don’t see why not. As long as you let me know beforehand and don’t bring anything home (diseases)”.

    At his emission, I felt absolutley heartbroken. The way it feels to me, is that if he doesn’t care about me sleeping with other people, how much does he really care about me, ya know? I said to him “Well I hope you know that I am definitely not okay with you sleeping with other women. I’d have to kill you both” (trying to lighten the conversation again) and he was like “Yeah, I know. I never planned on being with anyone but you anyways”.

    I talked to him about it again today because I’m still kinda upset about it and he told me that he doesn’t have any desire to have sex right now (he said “like all things, that could change”, but for now he has no interest in sex). I’m not sure if he’s said this to me because he knows I have a high sex drive and he doesn’t want to have to deal with it or something or what.

    My husband was sexually abused as a child, so I know this doesn’t have anything to do with cheating or whatever. He has been struggling with physicality for as long as I’ve known him, but it’s gotten progressively worse the last few months. I just want some advice on what to do in this situation. I am so confused. I don’t know if there could be an underlying issue I’m unaware of or what. Thanks.

    #845721 Reply

    oh wow….maybe you two should go to therapy….if he was sexually abused as a child he might need professional help to deal with that….so sorry LW

    #845727 Reply

    He should see a doctor and make sure he’s physically healthy, and yeah, therapy would be a good idea for him. He has to want to address these issues, though. Addressing them can be very hard. And you might not be able to afford that. There are call lines and apps you can buy that can connect you with a counselor, though.

    As far as his comments, I understand why you’re upset, but you brought it up. I know you were joking, but I don’t think you should take this so personally. A lot of couples open up their marriages, especially if one person is uninterested in sex. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or sees you differently. And this is all talk, not real action. It could be the reality of that would be much different for him than he even knows when you’re just joking around about it.

    #846613 Reply

    I…uh…actually understand where your husband is coming from. I’m not in an open relationship currently, but I’ve told my wife on multiple occasions that if she feels a bit of a spark with someone that she’d be ok to pursue it. She hasn’t yet, though I have watched her openly flirt/be flirted with someone else.

    For me, it’s pretty simple – I want my wife to be happy and sexually satisfied. I’d like to be the person doing that most of the time, but if the situation came up and I’m not available (she travels a lot, for example) well…I guess I don’t really see the harm bringing someone else into the mix. In fact, I think the idea of it is pretty hot.

    In my mind, she’s already been with plenty of other people, they all just happened to be before we met. If there are other people after that point, I don’t see it as an indictment against our relationship, it’s simply attraction. We don’t pretend that we’re not attracted to other people.

    I know the idea of a partner being with someone else is typically met with disgust or revulsion, but some people are just wired differently and don’t have that possessive lizard brain. Your husband might just be one of those people.

    #846615 Reply

    It sounds like you have both financial and sexual problems in your marriage and that your husband has childhood abuse issues which he’s struggling to overcome. With that background, your side-comment ‘joke’ is a rather nasty one, impugning his ability to satisfy you both sexually and earn enough to meet your standards, so you’ll satisfy both needs on the street corner. It’s a kick in the balls in the guise of physical humor. His ‘whatever floats your boat’ is a rather mild retort to your verbal aggression.

    The two of you need couples and financial counseling, he needs a medical workup and counseling to get past his abuse issues, and you need to watch your ‘jokes’. It’s fine to honestly discuss your marital difficulties, but you were nasty. I’m astounded that after your ‘little joke’ you actually took offense (did you really?) to his defensive retort.

    #846633 Reply

    One, counseling would be good. Two, you’re asking us questions that you could just ask him. It’s good you went back and talked about it, but instead of just going and joking or talking about part of it, why not ask the other things you were wondering? Tell him seriously (not with any jokes or fake threats or whatever) that you were kind of bothered that he’s OK with you sleeping with someone else and that you don’t want to do that. You can also ask the question you asked us about why he said what he said. But if you feel uncomfortable having this conversation, then having it in counseling would be good.

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