Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Husband reveals secret

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  • This topic has 13 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by avatarBittergaymark.
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  • #1009248 Reply

    My husband just revealed when in college he dated a woman who is the wife of a friend of ours (the couple, both husband and wife are friends of ours). It was a surprise to me and to our male friend that this fact is now revealed.
    Our male friend is upset and had unkind words with my husband (his friend) and I am basically disgusted and in shock. I am being told by my husband it is insane to be upset and his “friend” is on the “idiot list” as far as my husband is concerned.
    My husband has no understanding why there is upset and shock.
    Am I overboard or should my husband be told he is “insane” for not understanding my disgust/surprise?

    #1009250 Reply

    I genuinely don’t think it’s an issue or at all weird that a guy would still socialize with someone he dated in college when they’re both married to other people. What’s wrong with that?

    What’s weird is that it was apparently being kept a secret from both spouses. Why hide something like that? Or did they just not even think it was a big deal or that anyone would care and it just randomly came up?

    Anyway, what am I missing here?

    #1009251 Reply

    I don’t understand why anyone is disgusted, upset or shocked. Unless you both graduated from college a year ago or something.

    I can actually understand why he never divulged if this was the reaction he was anticipating.

    #1009254 Reply

    Yes, this letter seems a severe over-reaction, unless LW simply didn’t express herself well and this other couple was already exclusive or even engaged/married when her husband dated her. Or, she and husband were exclusive. Otherwise, to have expectations about your spouse’s/SO’s prior sexual history before you were an item seems misplaced.

    #1009257 Reply

    Miffed, sure. Disgusted and shocked? No way. Disgusted at what? That he’d been with other people before I ever knew him? How dare he.

    I’d be a little pissed if my husband didn’t clue me in that before we were together he’d hooked up with a good friend we regularly socialize with. It’s worthy of a “why did you feel the need to hide this” conversation where I’d explain that I don’t like looking clueless in front of his ex/my friend and it would have been good context for me to have. But I just have no idea what there is to be disgusted or angry about.

    #1009265 Reply

    Chiming in to say I agree with above. Why are you disgusted and upset? He dated someone in college and didn’t tell you about it till now. Did you think he was a virgin when you met? Is your reaction because of puritanical religion?

    #1009267 Reply

    What does “dated” mean? That can be a pretty wide range between “went on a couple of dates” to “He proposed but she said no and then broke up”.

    Either way, this doesn’t seem like a big deal to me, unless it was something he actively hid from you and lied about.

    #1009275 Reply

    Was there some expectation of purity, like “You’re the only woman I’ve ever been with.”?

    I’m not getting the furor from either spouse but I would understand disappointment from the omission for so long.

    #1009286 Reply

    TBH, the reactions seem a bit strong.

    #1009292 Reply

    I understand the surprise. Less the “disgust”. You both react as if it was an affair, a stab in the back for both spouses. But this relationship took place before your both relationships, right? Nobody is entitled to be fully briefed about the romantic and sexual past of their partner. This is their privacy, their right. They hadn’t any duty of fidelity or transparency towards you at that time. And I think it is best not to dig too much in each other’s past.
    Sure, it is strange to learn that a familiar friend is in fact an old date or an ex. I would be shaken too. I would like to learn a bit more given such a revelation : why the secrecy? How long did it last? Was it serious or just a try? What are they to each other now? How he feels now that the “secret” has been revealed? Then I would keep in perspective the fact that this is his romantic past pre-me, and let it go.
    I think that this is stranger for the friend though. Usually, a close friend knows whom you are dating. And if he starts dating the same person, and doesn’t know that this is my ex, I would say it, I think (though I never found myself in that situation). But perhaps they weren’t that close at the time. Anyway, this is all related to private life and right to privacy, before the marriages or exclusive relationships. Respect it. Not such a big deal.

    #1009294 Reply
    avatarDear Wendy

    Yep, over-reaction on your part, for sure. Unless there are details you haven’t shared, nothing about this is ‘disgusting.’ Kinda weird that the college dating was kept a secret, but beyond that, nothing to see to see her except your odd reaction.

    #1009366 Reply

    Yeah… the reactions of both the LW and the husband are pretty off the wall to me. And to most everybody else —- it seems.

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