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Husband wearing my lingerie; I feel hurt

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  • This topic has 11 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 months ago by avatarPeggy.
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  • #864622 Reply
    avatarLynne
    Guest

    My husband discovered he likes wearing my panties and lingerie (stocking, bras, slips). He’s 62 and was widowed. His late wife was very straight laced. They had little sex and nothing adventurous I’m 55, more experienced and consider myself a “no holds barred” person. We’ve been together a year. Sex started out terrific, but now he has serious problems getting and maintaining an erection — until he discovered the panties thing. Now he’s hard as a rock and wears panties whenever we have sex. I like kink and normally wouldn’t object. In fact, I encouraged him. But he’s become obsessed and I’m feeling VERY left out. Sex has mostly devolved to him wearing lingerie, picking things out from Victoria’s Secret, then masturbating while I watch. He’s happy to “help me out” afterwards, but I feel left out and threatened. Last night I told him how I feel: I don’t object to his kink; I even like it a bit, but please stop obsessing and pay me some attention. He said he would. I still feel very hurt, though, that he can get an erection in a millisecond with the panties and can barely get one at all with me. I should note that I’m a size 0/2, look about 35 and am frequently told how beautiful I am. In other words, most men wouldn’t have issues having sex with me! My husband loves me and is a wonderful man in all ways. Am I wrong to feel hurt and insecure?

    #864628 Reply
    Prognosti-gatorPrognosti-gator
    Participant

    I’m confused, what happened between the “sex started out terrific” and “now he has serious problems getting and maintaining an erection – until he discovered the panties thing”

    It seems there was a time when he was able to perform just fine without the aid of lingerie.

    Regardless, he should be concerned about your fulfillment too. It isn’t just about his kink. It seems you’re pretty good about making sure he gets what he wants out of sex, he needs to step up and do the same for you.

    My husband loves me and is a wonderful man in all ways.

    Not “all ways” – in this, he’s being selfish.

    #864629 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Counseling.

    #864632 Reply
    CurlyQueCurlyQue
    Participant

    It sounds like this is a recently discovered kink for your husband, it’s possible that once his obsession dies down the erection problems will also come back. He’s 62, and erection aids are plentiful.

    I agree that the way he’s handling this kink is leaving you out. That it starts with him, and the focus is on him while he masturbates and you get any leftover attention isn’t fair or fun. You JUST had a conversation with him about how your feeling left out and he’s said he’ll work on it so i’m not sure what we can suggest until you see how he responds to your conversation.

    also, neither your size or your age matter in this context. It doesn’t matter that other men would fuck you unless you want to suggest opening up your marriage to other men.

    #864820 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    So you’ve been together a year total, and you’re married. This looks like a situation where you two moved really fast, probably thinking “at our age, you know what you want,” but unfortunately the sex fizzled pretty quickly and the guy turns out to be a dud in bed. I find it hard to believe everything else is great, and it’s just this one thing… but even if it is, “this one thing” is your sex life.

    Maybe you’re not a great match and should just end it. If he doesn’t change his behavior and won’t go to a couples counselor with you who focuses on sexual issues, you should really leave or agree to open up the marriage. He needs to get the clear message from you that you’re serious and will leave if he doesn’t work with you to ensure you have a satisfying sex life.

    #864836 Reply
    Prognosti-gatorPrognosti-gator
    Participant

    Somehow I glossed over the “one year” part.

    So, in the course of a year, he went from:
    “terrific” sex
    to
    “serious problems maintaining an erection”
    to
    “discovering” the “panties thing”
    to
    wearing “panties whenever [you] have sex”
    to
    him browsing the Victoria’s Secret catalog while rubbing one out

    This just seems odd. It just doesn’t feel like it adds up. I’m having a hard time believing there was a “terrific sex” phase that suddenly went south, as I’m thinking he had this panty obsession all along and just was hiding it to start. You say the first wife wasn’t “adventurous” – maybe she didn’t like the lingerie thing and that’s why she split.

    #864848 Reply
    avatarLynne
    Guest

    Thanks for the advice, everyone. Especially Prognosti-gator. I wanted to addresses some of the comments. Yes, we did move fast. We are both widowed, so understand that life is short. We truly love each other and my husband is a gem in all other ways. Treats me like a queen. He was faithful to his late wife but he didn’t get much sex or any “fantasy” stuff, so it’s possible the panties thing has always been there; he was just afraid to reveal it till now. He is embarrassed about his erection issues. Viagra helps, but is not bullet-proof. We did start off with a bang, but other than the panties thing, now he’s “plain vanilla” and goes for what he knows will 1) get him off and 2) is most likely to get/keep an erection. This narrows it to he masturbates (now with panties) and gives me oral sex (which never yields an orgasm), or he’ll have sex in ONE position if he’s hard. That’s it. Seriously. I’ve asked, hinted, demanded, begged. Nada. I can’t tell if this REALLY is an erection issue, or just a “he’s the boss in bed” issue. He’s very authoritative/powerful in his career (an academic dean), although gentle in demeanor and beloved by all. We had a loooooooooooong talk last night, as I’m increasingly hurt by this. I feel I’ve been super loving, incredibly sexy, give him everything he wants, but still am left out, other than in the ways he wants it. He has promised to do better. We’ll see. He did say he has performance anxiety about erections, so has become “gun shy” with me. I do NOT shame him over lack of erections, but sometimes I’m visibly disappointed, I guess. It just seems weird that he’d rock hard with panties; not so much when it’s just me. I’m very, very saddened by that.

    #864849 Reply
    avatarLynne
    Guest

    Thanks for the advice, everyone. Especially Prognosti-gator. I wanted to addresses some of the comments. Yes, we did move fast. We are both widowed, so understand that life is short. We truly love each other and my husband is a gem in all other ways. Treats me like a queen. He was faithful to his late wife but he didn’t get much sex or any “fantasy” stuff, so it’s possible the panties thing has always been there; he was just afraid to reveal it till now. He is embarrassed about his erection issues. Viagra helps, but is not bullet-proof. We did start off with a bang, but other than the panties thing, now he’s “plain vanilla” and goes for what he knows will 1) get him off and 2) is most likely to get/keep an erection. This narrows it to he masturbates (now with panties) and gives me oral sex (which never yields an orgasm), or he’ll have sex in ONE position if he’s hard. That’s it. Seriously. I’ve asked, hinted, begged. Nada. I can’t tell if this REALLY is an erection issue, or a “he’s the boss in bed” issue. He’s very authoritative/powerful in his career (an academic dean), although gentle in demeanor and beloved by all. We had a long talk last night, as I’m increasingly hurt by this. I feel I’ve been super loving, incredibly sexy, give him everything he wants, but still am left out, other than in the ways he wants it. He has promised to do better. We’ll see. He did say he has performance anxiety about erections, so has become “gun shy” with me. I do NOT shame him over lack of erections, but sometimes I’m visibly disappointed, I guess. It just seems weird that he’d rock hard with panties; not so much when it’s just me. I’m very, very saddened by that.

    #864855 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    You moved too fast and you have mismatched libidos and sexual interests. You need to agree to couples counseling for the sex issues if you want to see real results.

    We get a lot of letters that include the sentiment, “He is great in every way, BUT.” The but is almost always a huge issue. It’s hard for me to understand how he treats you like a queen but doesn’t care about your sexual satisfaction.

    #865012 Reply
    avatarAnge
    Guest

    Once the new relationship energy wore off I guess he reverted to standard.

    So he’s a dominant guy at work but at home enjoys wearing panties, have you checked to see if he’s actually a submissive? Maybe if you get the handcuffs out and order him to satisfy you he’ll be able to perform.

    If that doesn’t work then sorry, you were operating under NRE and didn’t give it enough time to see what it’d be like when the hormones settled. If he can’t get off he at LEAST should be working to get you off however he can (also unless you’re guaranteed to be satisfied afterwards stop letting him perform oral on you for no result). Sorry but erection issues aside there are plenty of other things he could be doing to look after you and he’s not doing it, that’s just plain selfish.

    #865154 Reply
    avatarNo one needs to know
    Guest

    I can feel your frustration. My auntie told me that you have to be very carful with older men and thier errections. So when your all worked up and he cant get hard you probably give off a certain vibe that he may pick up on. So you can create a new pattern, if he cant get hard give him a massage, idk just do something to remove all the frustration in the room,

    So he has performance anxiety, is there anything you can do to make him confident. Constant words of gratification, sex talk ect. Hell can yall both wear the panties. Why cant he have sex with you with the panties on. Since yall both are into kinky stuff maybe try exploring more kinky things. Maybe theres something that will satisfy the both of you.

    #865163 Reply
    avatarPeggy
    Guest

    Hi Lynne. I think you need to make an appt. Not with a general counselor,but someone who specializes in sexual issues. Then ask him to go with you. If he refuses-that will tell you a lot. In that case,I would go alone and see what advice,if any, they can give in your situation.
    If he is willing to go,great! I know that sexual problems,especially where ED is involved can be difficult to cope with,fix. Patience is required but selfish behavior like he has shown is hurtful and not improving the situation.
    Two things that may help are both of you thinking of sex as just “play” with no specific outcomes in mind. Also focus on the intimacy,the expression of love,lovemaking. There is a great book that I recommend. I will have to look up the info on it and post it later.

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