This topic contains 14 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by RedBlue 1 week, 2 days ago.
- July 4, 2019 at 3:22 pm #847013
I don’t know how to handle my husband’s cycling habit but it is having such a destructive impact on our relationship.
Before we had a child he used to go out once a week, on a Saturday morning, which I was fine with, as I often used to work weekends. Since we had our daughter five years ago his habit has steadily increased to a whole day on a Saturday, plus every evening after his work, for at least an hour, sometimes more like 2 or 3 hours.
I work from home and have tried to hold on to some semblance of a career while also being a full time parent. This is all much easier now my daughter is in school, but I’m still burning with resentment about his inability to accept that he is doing too much.
I’ve tried so many times to talk it over with him but he just pushes me out. Even his parents and mine have tried to reason with him. I feel like he has me stuck at home as I don’t earn enough to leave him and can’t afford to support myself on my current salary. I realise I should probably get a better paid job and leave but I don’t want to tear apart our little family.
It’s also affecting his health, giving him fungal skin and nail infections which are a big turnoff so we haven’t had a sex life for over 6 months. But I do still love him under all the anger. I don’t know where to go from here, other than staging a massive intervention with our families!! Help!July 4, 2019 at 5:23 pm #847016
“I’ve tried so many times to talk it over with him but he just pushes me out. Even his parents and mine have tried to reason with him. I feel like he has me stuck at home as I don’t earn enough to leave him and can’t afford to support myself on my current salary. I realise I should probably get a better paid job and leave but I don’t want to tear apart our little family.”
That really says it all right there.
I suppose you could make an ultimatum that he go to therapy with you or you need to leave. But you have to be prepared to follow through and leave. Honestly it sounds like you want to, you just don’t want to pull the family apart. But he’s not being much of a husband or a father, so you’d likely all be happier.July 4, 2019 at 5:24 pm #847017
Child support, alimony, and an increased focus on your career, and you’d be fine.July 4, 2019 at 6:04 pm #847018
As you describe the uptick in cycling following the birth of your child, it sounds like cycling has become a deliberate way to avoid parenting and household chores. Did he really want to become a father? Is this something you discussed? What did he expect it would look like?
I’m not sure why you think cycling and skin and nail fungal infections naturally go together. I’ve certainly met many avid cyclists who did not have this problem. I’m thinking ‘nail fungus?, why would cycling cause that?’ Six months without sex is a very big deal at your ages. It sounds like ‘marriage over’ to me.July 4, 2019 at 10:37 pm #847033
Make an appointment with a marriage counselor and tell him when the appointment is. If he won’t give up his cycling to go to that appointment with you, go alone.
Do the same thing a second time, and tell him he is on very, very thin ice with the marriage if he doesn’t go to the second appointment. YOU go to the appointments whether he goes or not, and enlist the counselor’s help in navigating this FOR YOURSELF (since he’ll probably no show). Don’t do an intervention with your families; they aren’t trained for that. Talk to a professional.July 4, 2019 at 11:03 pm #847035
Give him a choice: either he traded in his bike for a cycle rickshaw and petals your kid around, or he teaches her to ride and trains her her For trails and parks on their Saturday afternoons together while you finish working. (If he masters that have him introduce her to wheelies and jumps, then rollerblading, or skateboarding, swimming, team coaching, and so on.)July 4, 2019 at 11:09 pm #847036
Edit: trades in his bike (not traded), “trains her” (omit the repeated “her)July 5, 2019 at 12:45 pm #847072
Your husband is avoiding responsibilities at home. I’d be burning with resentment too. Go to marriage counseling, alone if he won’t go. And start looking for a job that will pay your bills. You can use an online calculator to figure how much child support you’ll be awarded. I don’t think he’ll change. Whatever he’s avoiding is so big in his head he would rather bike in circles for hours at the end of a work day. Are you sure he’ll not biking to a girlfriend’s house?July 5, 2019 at 3:16 pm #847092
The problem is not so much the cycling habit, but the avoidance problem. You can’t rely on him as a father and husband: he lets you all the work and fails you, as well as your daughter. Sad.
He does it because you somehow cope with the situation. Stop accepting it: you don’t, your message gives a clear indication that you reached your limits. Stop doing his laudry, stop cooking, tell him you have enough.
You need to be really determined and assertive in your communication. He MUST give up the cycling on an everyday scale and limit it to two evenings + saturday mornings or you are out of the marriage.
Go to couple therapy, yes, but also to a lawyer and check your options in a divorce.
Let him figure out he will cycle to pay you alimony. It will sink down and give him pause.
BUt be ready to walk away really. This marriage doesn’t work.July 5, 2019 at 4:25 pm #847098
It seems clear to me he doesn’t want to work on this or change his behavior. It’s almost like he’s asking for you to divorce him. You should. He’s not being a good partner or father. You aren’t tearing apart your family- he’s abandoning it most days and nights.July 5, 2019 at 4:56 pm #847103
I want to point out that if you leave him (which i think you should do if he won’t go to couple’s counseling and become a more equitable partner) it won’t be you breaking up your family. It’s his choices and actions that are doing that. The responsibility doesn’t lie 100% with you to hold a family together that he’s not even willing to spend time with.July 5, 2019 at 5:16 pm #847109
Marriage is a partnership. It’s not your sole job to keep your family together if he’s showing little to no interest in it himself. If I realized my spouse was really upset over me never being around, I’d be worried — what if they leave me? But he doesn’t seem worried about that. That’s not a good sign.
Sure, try counseling, but it’s not a magic wand. It’s not going to make someone suddenly care that you are unhappy or anything like that.