- This topic has 27 replies, 12 voices, and was last updated 3 weeks, 3 days ago by brise.
- January 29, 2020 at 10:18 am #873921karleehParticipant
my husband of 10 years has a new female friend. The first he’s ever had in the entire time we’ve been together. The relationship started with me being open to trust, regardless of his history of infidelity. A drink after work turned out to be him being out until midnight with her alone without even contacting me ones. Things have spiraled downhill from there, with lots of defensiveness and no understanding at all on his part. Regardless of his history of infidelity, he continues to text her every day and has seen her every weekend for drinks for the past three months. He tells me they are just friends but I have yet to be invited to one of these get-togethers between the two of them and she makes no effort to get to know me. Every time he’s on his phone texting at night, I feel my blood boil because it’s like watching a continuous affair happen right in front of my eyes.
We have started counseling, because he has been telling me that he’s going to do what he wants to do and he rather be alone than have a controlling nagging wife that puts restrictions on his friendships with this girl. basically every day for the past two months I have been crying myself to sleep in so much pain and almost unable to do anything. I am so depressed.
Here’s my problem, Sunday we were invited to go over to her and her boyfriends house for the Super Bowl with their neighbor friends. This is a social gathering like they have all the time. Not an attempt to connect as two couples. My husband is excited go (of course) and wants me to come too. I’m always inviting when it’s a big group setting but I’m never invited when it’s just the two of them getting cocktails alone together.
I feel absolutely sick inside to have to face this woman who I am feeling so much hatred and resentment towards. The woman who has been seeing my husband every weekend and texting him every single day multiple times. Of course whenever I explain this to my husband he gets really mad at me and it’s always worth not bring it up then to fight. What is your best advice on how I should approach Sunday. Should I go with my head held high, be my polite and sweet self, bring an appetizer and be the better person? (Trust me I’m not a confrontational person, I basically stuff all of my resentment deep inside me before I would ever call out another woman. )
What are some coping strategies that I could focus on when I start to feel my anger and resentment built up when I am there. How should I interact with this woman since I have made attempts in the past and she is completely not taking the bait. Should I continue to show that I making an effort?
Thank you so much for any adviceJanuary 29, 2020 at 10:46 am #873927Miss MJParticipant
Going to a Super Bowl Party is the least of your problems. Your big problems are that you don’t trust your husband (with reason!) and he’s shown nothing but contempt for your feelings by gaslighting you and manipulating you. Fuck that noise. If you feel you must, continue with the marriage counseling, but honestly, it sounds like he’s got one foot already out the door and doesn’t really care if you stay married or not. If he’d “rather be alone” than show concern for his “nagging” (ugh!!!) wife’s feelings, well, I’d grant him that wish and get a divorce, pronto. Trust me, it’s better being alone for a bit than living like this. Good luck, LW.
(Oh, and don’t bother with the party. It’s absolutely not a factor in any of this. Neither is your husband’s friend, for what it’s worth. The real issue is the distrust and contempt that has eroded your marriage, likely irrevocably.)January 29, 2020 at 11:23 am #873930bagge72Participant
You should invite yourself out to his weekend nights out with her, he can’t really stop you from going, and you don’t need an invitation. He clearly likes this girl in a more than friends way, and though nothing has happened it does sound inappropriate, especially with you feelings on it, and his past indiscretions. I’m guessing before he met her he didn’t go out every weekend with his guy friends, so I’m not sure why he would start now with this girl. He also sounds like he is setting it up to blame you on the affair he’s having/going to have. He’ll blame your nagging.January 29, 2020 at 11:58 am #873931anonymousseMember
He doesn’t respect your feelings at all. That’s not going to be helped by making an appearance at this party. If you do go, yeah, be your charming self and be kind and courteous.
He told you he’d rather be alone than with you. Why are you with him? You should see a counselor on your own to help you make sense of why you’re staying with a man who makes you feel so badly about yourself.January 29, 2020 at 1:09 pm #873945katmich15Member
Karleeh, you don’t think much of yourself do you, I’m sorry. Your letter made me really sad because you clearly don’t know your worth. Your husband is a dick and there should be a picture of him in the dictionary under gaslighting. He’s a pro and knows exactly how to shut you up. His manipulation combined with your lack of confidence in confronting bad behavior makes you the perfect wife for him. He knows you will stay with him because you don’t believe you deserve better. Step outside for a minute and imagine if a friend were describing this situation. Would you be giving her advice on how to behave at this party or asking her why she puts up with this? And “Trust me I’m not a confrontational person, I basically stuff all of my resentment deep inside me before I would ever call out another woman.”, no no no. Two things here. First, she is not the one you need to confront, that would be your husband. It’s easier to blame her because you want to make excuses for him but he is the one who is being cruel to you, the one who is supposed to love you, not make you cry yourself to sleep every night. Does that sound like love to you? Second, PLEASE get some counseling, WITHOUT him, and work on finding healthy ways to express your feelings and work on your self-confidence. You are worth so much more than this. You need to get out of this marriage, and though I know that’s scary, what are you getting out of it but misery? Don’t let him hurt you anymore, he enjoys treating you like this, just reading the way he treats you makes me sick to my stomach.
As far as the superbowl party goes, go if you want or stay home and avoid the whole thing. If you go, if it were me, I would be polite to her, ignore both of them, and talk to someone who is actually interesting. Of course, if it were me, I wouldn’t be talking to anyone because I would be watching the game and screaming at the TV. Because I’m a huge CHIEFS fan, GO CHIEFS!!! Sorry, got distracted.
Take care of you.January 29, 2020 at 3:20 pm #873948EssieParticipant
WHY ARE YOU TOLERATING THIS??
That’s a serious question. You’re miserably unhappy. He tells you he’d rather be alone than be with you. He doesn’t respect you. I’m hard-pressed to see how you could believe that he loves you. And here you are, contorting yourself to be the “cool wife” who doesn’t mind her husband’s attentions to other women when you really do mind. A lot.
So, what’s keeping you there? Again, a serious question. Why stay in a relationship where you don’t feel loved? That’s kind of the bare minimum for a relationship: to feel loved and respected.
Let me take a step back and say that I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with married people having friendships. I have close male friends. My partner has close female friends. Neither one of us minds, because we trust each other and because we’re both completely transparent about our friendships. We socialize with each other’s friends. We don’t act like we’re hiding something…because we’re not hiding anything.
What your husband is doing feels different. It feels mean. He’s basically going on a date with her every weekend. The charitable part of me wants to say that he’s trying to include you in the friendship by taking you to this Super Bowl party, but it comes off as rubbing your face in the situation.
Someone who valued their marriage (and their spouse) would think “wow, this is really upsetting my wife, I love her and don’t want to hurt her so I’ll back it down.” Instead, he’s essentially saying “fuck you, I’ll date other women if I want and I’ll leave you if you make too much noise about it.”
One more point: your “hatred and resentment” towards her is misplaced. For all you know, she could be in an open relationship. For all you know, he could have told her he was in an open relationship. Your husband is the one who took the vows with you. If she were coming on to him and he wanted to be faithful to you, he simply wouldn’t have gotten involved with her. The problem isn’t that some shameless hussy is trying to steal your man, it’s that your marriage is broken.
The bottom line here is that you’re very unhappy in your marriage, you don’t feel loved or respected, and you don’t trust your husband at all. You don’t need to find your husband in bed with another woman to justify leaving.January 29, 2020 at 5:51 pm #873951StillbittergaymarkParticipant
**still me. Had trouble accessing my account. Dead email issue.
While on one hand, I see the LW’s point… would ANYBODY ever really be dying to attend a family Superbowl Party thrown by the person they are having an affair with? I dunno. Having HAD an affair with a married cad, I can’t see me ever doing this…January 29, 2020 at 7:41 pm #873952karleehParticipant
Thank you all so much for your advice, I need to start taking the steps forward and learning how to detach and be OK if I were to be on my own. It is so hard after 10 years with the same person since I was 20. I’ve pretty much spent my whole young adulthood growing up with him.
My last question, if you were to take everything out of the picture. Meaning his past with infidelity, the disrespect and what not, how often do you think it would be appropriate for her and him to text each other, call each other, and see each other? Right now they are doing it every day back-and-forth about 6 to 7 times and get together for a drink once a weekend. Realistically do you think this is acceptable or do you believe it is just too much for comfort?January 29, 2020 at 8:27 pm #873953Miss MJParticipant
But, you can’t take the context out of the picture. And, honestly, even if you did, that’s a lot. More than I’d be comfortable with, especially *considering the actual context!* Nothing about your relationship is even remotely acceptable.
You need to get out of this relationship, not try to talk yourself into staying. There are guys out there who will treat you with respect and not cheat on you – and that’s the bare minimum, really.January 29, 2020 at 8:53 pm #873954bloodymediocrityMember
I came into this pay expecting to defend a guy’s ability to be friends with a woman without wanting to sleep with her but yes – your husband is being shady as hell.January 29, 2020 at 8:58 pm #873955dinocerosMember
I’m not sure what the purpose would be of taking this out of the context. The context is part of this. But even if he hadn’t cheated before, his behavior is still bad. It’s very sketchy, and his reaction to it is even worse. He’s making it clear that he doesn’t care if you’re upset, if you don’t trust him, etc., and he seems to believe very strongly that even if you think he’s treating you like crap, you’ll stick around.January 29, 2020 at 9:18 pm #873956EssieParticipant
There’s no number of texts that qualifies as appropriate or inappropriate. There have probably been days I’ve gotten 6 or 7 texts from my guy friend, but nobody’s counting, because my boyfriend trusts me, I often show him the texts if they’re funny, and I’m not trying to hide anything from him. I don’t count how many times his female friends text him because I know there’s nothing going on, and he shows me the texts sometimes too. It just isn’t an issue for us.
That same number is a dealbreaker for you because you don’t trust him at all. You mentioned his past infidelities numerous times, so I wonder how long you’ve been a) not trusting him, and b) pretending that it’s OK that he cheated.
It’s also a dealbreaker because he came right out and said he’d choose her over you.