Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I am a cheater

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  • #1044347 Reply

    Never had I thought I’d be able to do something like this until it happened.
    I’ve been in a loving, happy enough relationship with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. I’ll call him Andrew. We’re living together with our guy best friend. Our relationship was (and still is, somehow) quite satisfying. Andrew is such a sweetheart, he always makes me feel loved and never hesitates to tell me that I’m his whole world, his whole life. Even so, our friends see our relationship more like a mother-son one, as he is extremely lazy and I do everything for him. I’ll get back to this after writing about… well… my affair. My affair with one of his best friends. I am o horrible person right now, I know and somehow I really want someone to tell me that I am. I am sick of getting spared like my guilt is not a big deal. Long story short, me and his best friend, whom I’ll call Mark, talk on a daily basis on a secret instagram account that I have. We’ve also been seeing each other and had sex. Now you may be wondering why I did what I did. Well, this is why: he’s everything Andrew is not. And he’s everything I ever wanted from a guy. He is smart, open-minded (which Andrew is not), funny, attractive in every way and I really like him. Also, this is the first time in years when I truly like someone this much. Our attraction started with conversations, confessions, opinions, small things. We have such a strong sense of respect for each other and I see him as an equal. Getting back to Andrew, we’ve had a few problems these past months. The problems involved sex (we’re not a good match in bed at all and he doesn’t want to fix it even though he could), house chores (as I already said, I do everything for him), his bad temper (sometimes he gets so angry when playing video games that his furious screams could wake up the whole neighborhood) and, well, smaller things about his behavior that I do not like. To be honest, I’ve never liked him for the person he is. I fell in love out of loneliness and need for affection. He has no real interests, he has no intention of ever evolving, we have different opinions on what life should be like. I hadn’t cared about these things until I started talking to Mark, which happend on a random night when 2 other friends came over (Andrew wasn’t there) for a some drinks and tagged him along. That night was memorable for both of us after we were left alone. We talked until 7 in the morning and never had I been so relaxed when talking to someone about the things the two of us talked about. Fast forward, we started texting but it was more friendly than romantic, even though we both confessed the attraction from the start. Now this is weird and new for me as I am quite a shy, introverted person and I never talk about how I feel. But when I’m with him I feel like I can finally be myself. The best version of myself. Compared to Andrew, Mark never makes me feel embarrassed for my thoughts and opinions. He listens and understands. And he feels the same about me, as he already told me some of his secrets. Our desires are the same when it comes to relationships. And the sex… is incredible. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted, sexually speaking. And he thinks the same about me. He’s driving me insane in every way. Not a crazy way, we are both youngs adults (20 yrs old) and we know how these things work. We know that crazy desire isn’t everything. But the thing is, there isn’t just desire. The atmosphere is so peaceful when we are together. Everything feels nice and interesting and even funny. He always tells me about future plans for our relationship and how bad he wants me to be his. Before him, I could see myself marrying Andrew and having his children. Now, the thought of it scares me. It may be silly to think about this, but I don’t want him to be the father of my children. I started to think that love is not enough in a relationship. I started to want more. I want someone to motivate me, someone to help me and evolve with me. I cannot ask Andrew for these, he only wants to play video games and talk to his friends online and watch Netflix. I feel horrible as I should obviously because I don’t want to hurt him. The things I’m doing are not moral. I need to do something because, as time passes, my feelings for Mark become stronger and our relationship becomes more intimate (emotionally). Someone’s heart needs to be broken and I have to choose between mine and Andrew’s. I thought that I could stay with him, I am an adaptable person, I can go back to the life I had before Mark. But I will certainly be in pain.
    I just realized I didn’t say anything about what Mark has to say about all of this. Well, he doesn’t feel awful anymore. He doesn’t like Andrew either, but they’ve been friends for so long that he got used to it. Actually, almost none of our friends like Andrew. But he’s part of the crew, he is included, even though he pretty much annoys everyone regularly. This is the worst part. Because I feel like I can be the only person who can accept him, the only one who can love him and save him from what he’s becoming. I’ve tried so many times to change things about him for his own good. No results. He doesn’t even trim his nails on his own. Nothing. If I leave him, not only will I break his heart, but I will leave him on his own. Who would cook, do laundry, clean the house? Who would calm him down when he is angry? Who would accept him? He doesn’t take care of himself. We can go several days without showering or brushing his teeth. I got used to these things, but who else will?
    My selfishness and desire for a better relationship will destroy him. I hate myself for that. I hate the fact that I can’t see him as enough anymore. Even the sex became awful and pitiful.
    What should I do?

    #1044563 Reply

    Oh my god – first off you should learn how to edit your writing and use paragraphs. That is just a wall of text and a lot more detail than anyone needed.

    You are dating someone that doesn’t satisfy you emotionally or physically. He treats you kindly but doesn’t pull his weight with anything and you’ve had to take on a parental role instead of a partner role.

    Instead of breaking up with him, like a rational and mature person, you got close to one of his friends and cheated on your boyfriend. So now this other guy knows that you’re a cheater. So how is that going to work in the future – is he going to hold that over your head?

    Break up with your boyfriend. Whether you and the other guy stay together remains to be seen – just stop pretending that you have no control over this situation.

    #1044619 Reply

    You don’t have to be Andrew’s mommy for him. He’s 20. Perfectly capable of taking care of himself. Seriously. He sounds like a disgusting slob. He doesn’t cut his own fingernails, and you’re still weighing whether he’s the guy for you? Really? I think you might have extremely low expectations for boyfriends. Dating out of loneliness is a bad idea. Because then you end up with guys like this, who somehow can’t function in real life on their own.

    You need to break up with Andrew ASAP because that’s the right thing to do. He isn’t your problem or responsibility.

    And I hope for you that things work out with Mark, but consider his own behavior. He might enjoy having something he’s not supposed to- his buddy’s girlfriend and the appeal may not hold out when you’re free and available. Or he might not want to date publicly because he’s embarrassed about you got together. I’m not saying it won’t work, I’m saying it could be hard or awkward. But you’re young, so who cares?

    In the future, break up with the bf before you start sleeping with another man.

    #1044621 Reply

    You are 20 and already acting like someone’s mom. Your extreme codependency is very unhealthy — both for Andrew and you. You need to get some help, because reminding a grown-ass man to brush his teeth is defcon level codependency. Get some treatment/therapy for YOURSELF, and stop focusing on either one of these guys.

    Are you in school? Do you have a job? Plans for your future that don’t involve being someone’s girlfriend or caretaker? You are holding yourself back; don’t blame Andrew for that. Do not look for someone else, like Mark, to motivate you or “evolve with” you.

    PS — If you ever come across someone who doesn’t brush their teeth, that person has a mental illness and is way beyond your help.

    PPS — Mark is Andrew’s best friend but “doesn’t like him anymore” and sleeps with his best friend’s girlfriend? Trust me, Mark is not the solid citizen you think he is. Get therapy. Stop orbiting around losers.

    #1044658 Reply

    You need to break up to Andrew. He may be an easily angered, unmotivated loser who can’t clip his own nails, but what you’re doing to him is shitty. Breaking up with people is difficult and sad and often hurts feelings, yes, but he’ll be fine with time. We’ve all had our hearts broken, we’ve all recovered.

    I agree you probably need therapy. You’ve been dating an unmotivated, uninteresting guy who you don’t even like at the most basic level for two years because you were lonely. On top of that, you feel like his mom and he doesn’t meet your needs, yet you still tell yourself that this is happy enough to consider marriage!? That’s so sad. You may not have felt as lonely anymore while dating him because you had built-in company, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything to fix what’s actually going on with you on the inside. If I had to guess, jumping into things with Mark (who is a loser in his own way since he’s happily carrying on a relationship with his buddy’s girlfriend) seems appealing to you because it means you wouldn’t have to be single and lonely again if you end things with Andrew.

    Break up with Andrew, end things with Mark, and take the time to focus on yourself. Figure out why you thought this kind of relationship with Andrew was all you deserved. Figure out why your self-esteem is so tanked that you’d rather repeatedly cheat on your boyfriend with his best friend than cause less pain by ending things.

    #1044733 Reply

    Your relationship with Andrew sounds like a bad one in which you are gaining nothing, but since you’ve stayed with him you must be getting some need filled by him. Perhaps you are seeking a nonfunctional person to do everything for? This screams the need for therapy to find out why you have stuck with this relationship as long as you have. You are totally being used. Find out why you’ve accepted this and change — higher standards in what you are seeking.

    Although your relationship with Andrew is essentially done, it is polite to end your current relationship rather than just cheating with another guy. That the other guy is Andrew’s best friend (not exactly best friend behavior screwing his live-together gf, so if this is Andre’s best friend, he has no real friends.) Your leaving may well be the kick in the ass that Andrew needs to get his life together. You’re not helping him by allowing him to be totally useless.

    #1044837 Reply
    avatarDear Wendy

    I agree with BGM in that you are not the savior for Andrew that you think you are. You really are not that powerful and important. If anything, you’ve enabled his really bad, unhealthy habits. Imagine the potential of him finally stepping up and maybe even seeking help for the issues he’s facing! Definitely breaking up with him is the best thing for you, but it’s 100% the best thing for him too.

    Please make sure you are really well protected against pregnancy (and STIs, obviously) while having sex with any of these men. Beyond that, I think being free of a relationship and the pressure it puts on you and the expectations you have around one (marriage and kids! you’re only 20!) would be so freeing and liberating for you. I’d love for you to seek the company of a guy not out of loneliness or desperation to escape a bad relationship, but to enrich what is already a full life. When that happens is when you are most likely to find a really solid match.

    #1045187 Reply

    Wait, where did my post go? Oh well.

    #1045230 Reply

    I delete your posts where you call someone a name, like bitch, because it violates the forum rules and also because the back and forth escalation that ensues is boring. And also I then have to delete the whole exchange which is a time-waster.

    #1045268 Reply

    Oh. Hilarious. That’s a mild word now said routinely on primetime network television.

    That you get upset about this… whereas the other day you rather blandly and almost gleefully justified a LW getting blotto drunk and beating her romantic rival to the point of real physical injury as being perfectly normal… is frankly… quite bizarre, Kate.


    At any rate, Wendy was so upset with my post she agreed with much of of it.

    #1045270 Reply

    This place used to be decidedly more fun. As did you.

    #1045377 Reply

    Good grief. Everyone knows *cheating bad* but if I was dating your boyfriend I would definitely cheat on him if I didn’t break up with him. You say…

    “I’ve been in a loving, happy enough relationship with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. I’ll call him Andrew. We’re living together with our guy best friend. Our relationship was (and still is, somehow) quite satisfying. Andrew is such a sweetheart, he always makes me feel loved and never hesitates to tell me that I’m his whole world, his whole life.”

    but then go on to list a *ton* of things that are REALLY REALLY BAD. Let’s recap:

    • He’s not open-minded
    • He’s bad at sex and doesn’t want to try
    • He has a bad temper
    • He doesn’t do any house chores
    • You don’t even like him, you like that he likes you
    • He has no interests
    • He has no motivations
    • He makes you embarrassed for your thoughts and opinions
    • He only wants to play video games
    • He doesn’t TRIM HIS OWN NAILS
    • He doesn’t cook
    • He doesn’t have decent hygiene

    THESE ARE ALL REALLY REALLY BAD. Any one of those things alone would be reason enough for a breakup but all of these are from the same guy? Yikes!

    The only reason you seem to be staying with him is that you don’t want to hurt him. Well, you’re not doing him any favors by dragging this out. Cut him loose NOW. Every day you wait the harder it is going to be.

    The only reason you list for staying is because NO ONE ELSE WILL LOVE HIM?? That CAN NOT be on you.

    P.S. I don’t think you need to tell him you cheated. It doesn’t matter at this point. Just break it off, block his number, whatever it takes to get out of this.

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