- This topic has 21 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 1 week, 4 days ago by Desio.
April 22, 2021 at 9:20 pm #1045382bloodymediocrityParticipant
Think of it like this: You don’t want to hurt Andrew, right? But if you stay in this relationship, you’re going to continue to cheat on him. That’s what happens when people stay in relationships that they are completely unsatisfying in all possible ways. The longer you cheat, the more likely he is to find out that you’re cheating. If he finds out, if you thought he was hurt before, he’ll be extremely hurt.April 23, 2021 at 4:50 am #1045814KateKeymaster
In the commenting policy under “About,” it has always said not to call other commenters names.April 23, 2021 at 12:15 pm #1046281BittergaymarkGuest
Eh, as bad as the boyfriend is… at least he is not a lying cheater with a messiah complex banging the LW’s best friend…
🤷♂️April 23, 2021 at 7:52 pm #1046755AkeathParticipant
Your boyfriend sounds like he has always had a parent or girlfriend to take care of him and mother him, so he’s never learned the basics of taking care of himself. The best thing you could do for him is break up, move out, and stop enabling that. He needs to live by himself and deal with the consequences of his own actions. Only then will he be able to grow up and actually learn to take care of himself. I promise he will not implode just because you aren’t there to mother him constantly. Yes, he may fall, but he’ll also learn how to get back up. You are creating this narrative where you are saving him, but in reality your presence is just enabling him, and that is not really doing him any favors. Even without the lying, cheating, and talking bad about him to his friends behind his back. Which, honestly, makes it a “with friends/girlfriend like that, who needs enemies” type of situation.
But even if you were good for each other (which you clearly aren’t), if you are not happy with a relationship then you should break up. It’s okay not to stay in a relationship that isn’t working for you. Your contempt for him is loud and clear throughout your post, and you are likely not hiding that from him as well as you think. Contempt like that creates a toxic environment for everyone. And while it may feel like you are cursing him to a life alone, in reality if you guys break up he’ll be sad for a while and miss you, but he’ll eventually realize that even though he isn’t with you anymore the rest of the world keeps on turning. You guys are 20 years old. One day both of you will be in healthier places and you’ll both do a lot of maturing, and you’ll be able to find other people that are better for you than the mess of a relationship you have together now. You are not actually sentencing him to a lifetime of loneliness. I also agree that you do seem to be trying to martyr yourself. If that’s coming from a need to care for others or have projects there are healthier ways to channel that. But don’t make human beings your projects. It isn’t fair to either of you. If you want to mother something, a pet can be dependent on you without stifling personal growth. If you want a project, get a project-based hobby. If you want to make a difference, find a cause to volunteer for.
At any rate, it sounds like you may have a chance for something good with Mark. So break up with the guy who isn’t working well with you and see if Mark is really as compatible as you think once you are together day to day in an actual relationship. Hopefully you can build something more honest and real and worthwhile with him. But you won’t be able to do that while the foundation of your relationship is based on cheating, lies, and betrayal.April 23, 2021 at 9:16 pm #1046843ronGuest
I think LW needs to MOA from Mark as well. Anyone who shags his best friend’s live-in gf is a complete ass. Absolutely guaranteed he will cheat on LW if she sticks with him. Get therapy and a comfort in your own skin before dating anyone.April 23, 2021 at 11:06 pm #1046953Karebear1813Participant
A tale as old as time…
Really this dude is 20 yrs old. It is not shocking that he hasn’t developed the best hygiene and housekeeping practices. He might have been coddled by his parents, he may know better and not care, or he really may just be nasty but no matter how much you try to make him look like the bad guy here by complaining about his short comings, you are the bad guy. You want to talk about his maturity level but yet, have you looked in the mirror lately. You cheated on this guy with his best friend. A mature mentally sound women would have said this isn’t working for me and broke up.
You are trying to blame your boyfriend for why you cheated. Just stop making excuses and own it.April 24, 2021 at 12:50 am #1047057AkeathParticipant
I want to add the caveat that some of his issues with hygiene and his over dependence on you could be the result of clinical depression. In which case you may want to strongly encourage him to get in the care of a psychiatrist/psychologist. In that case he likely needs treatment, and you won’t be able to provide that. Just like if his arm were broken you would bring him to a doctor, if you think he’s depressed or has other mental health he should be in a doctor’s care. If you are really worried you may want to give his friends or family a heads up that he may be needing some support before breaking it off with him that might be good too.April 24, 2021 at 7:30 am #1047472KateKeymaster
It’s almost certain that, when you break up with your boyfriend, you’re going to find that this thing with Mark isn’t going to work out. He’s your back-burner guy who’s situationally helping you deal with this bad relationship that you need to get out of. Also, there’s the thrill of doing something illicit, and being on the same side against “bad boyfriend.” I think without that whole dynamic, it’s probably going to fall apart. I could be wrong and Mark is your soul mate, but I doubt it. In these situations you should just cut it off with both guys and live your best life.
Not only is Mark shady, but please note that he doesn’t have the responsibility of being your boyfriend. Put that role on him and I don’t think you’re going to like what you see.April 26, 2021 at 6:43 am #1050306DesioGuest
I didn’t even go through the whole thing cause meh it’s too much. I get the idea- you’re a cheater- that isn’t ever a quality. You complain about your boyfriend. How about you leave this doomed relationship and work on yourself- idk an idea would be to vouch that you’ll never cheat on anyone again- you simply break up and sleep around and learn some writing skills as well. Just ideas on how to deal with this. You need to work on yourself in order to improve the quality of your life. Cause secret affairs and Instagram accounts aren’t the definition of a fulfilling anything.April 26, 2021 at 6:49 am #1050313DesioGuest
Hahaha soul mate. Sorry that really made me laugh. You’re such a sweetheart with the way you word your advice. I second it- you and Mark are not great people at this time. Someone who has an affair while in a relationship and the other who has an affair with someone who is in a relationship. I mean this right here could be the reason of your conflicts later cause who calls a cheater his girlfriend and vice versa. Anyway maybe I’m going way too far because this will not be a relationship unfortunately. I think the best road to take is to be single for a while to just work really hard on being a better person in order to attract better than your current situation. That’s my two cents or four cents since I wrote another comment before 🙂