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Dear Wendy

I am an emotional hostage of my homeless emotionally abusive now ex boyfriend

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This topic contains 11 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by FireStar FireStar 5 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #740195 Reply
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    Heather

    I met a guy online from Ohio. I live in KY. We met and dated long distance. Then after a few months he was getting kicked out of his dads house, and wanted to get away from the town he lived in because everyone there always offered him drugs and he wanted to get off of them. He is on disability for anxiety and depression and is addicted to xanax. He has no family or friends or loved ones in his life who will help him. So I felt really insanely bad for him and my female friend offered for him to move in to her apartment. My parents won’t allow him to stay with me and I wouldn’t want that anyway. So my friend drove to Ohio to get him. Long story short she kicked him out of her apartment after a month because he was VERY disrespectful and he went to the homeless shelter. Then he became emotionally abusive and started treating me like trash and I broke up with him and told him I can not help him if he treats me this way no matter what condition he is in I will not take this treatment. He got kicked out of the homeless shelter for drinking. Me and my mom tried driving him to another one but be refuses to go. He becomes more emotionally abusive every day and I don’t want contact with him but he keeps threatening suicide to everyone to get what he wants. He cries and gains sympathy and pity from everyone he comes into contact with and is a MASTER manipulator. He has called and begged and harrassed my church to get into contact with me, he calls anyone he can find who may know me and roams the streets near my house. The cops have put a no tresspass for him on our house but he keeps contacting people I know and leaving them long voicemails. I know everything he does because he leaves very long voicemails to my mom when he is talking to policemen and other people and never leaves out a detail. I have asked him to go to a mental home, another shelter, or back to Ohio but he won’t go anywhere and harrasses my parents to come talk to me. He made my dad so mad that my dad started screaming at him and told him to leave his daughter (me)alone but he still disrespects my dad and mom and me and the police and everyone. He has gone completely insane and I don’t know what to do and I can’t live with this guilt. I really really need advice but nobody I know has any idea what to do. I want him to be okay and safe and have a good life but I don’t want him in my life because he is so hurtful and downright evil to me. He has no respect for my boundaries or me as a human being and thinks he owns me wven though I broke up with him weeks ago. He is 37 and I am 27. He completely expects me to take care of him but he slanders my name to everyone he meets. I have cut off all contact but he still will not stop. There are a lot more crazy crazy crazy details about this but there is simply not enough time or room to tell it all. I have no idea what to do and I am being gaslighted and driven crazy and he has completelt convinced me that I am evil for not helping him anymore ecen though he talks to me like I am less than dirt. He tells me I am the only thing he is living for. I don’t know what to do. I am scared. If anyone who knows what to do and wants to offer advice and chat with me one on one I could really really really use any help or advice or kind words that I can ge

    #740198 Reply
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    sarahbelle
    Member

    Quit playing into him block him from your life. Go get a new phone number, and don’t give it out. Have your mother and father block any number he calls from. If he is still bothering you get a restraining order. Let your church and if he is coming to work let work know you have a restraining order. When people tell you stuff or asks about him tell them you are not discussing him if they keep going walk away. You can’t stop him from committing suicide but can stop him from holding you hostage with the threat. Also this had disaster written all over it from the beginning, so make better choices in men you are almost 30, just so you know it is never a good idea to start dating men that are almost 30 or over and are homeless, fighting an addiction, or being thrown out of their fathers house. You set yourself up here get higher standards. Also quit setting your friends up to be murdered in their sleep, you did not know this man but you knew he had drug issues and depression key qualities of a disaster.

    #740200 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    What Sarahbelle said. This is a shit show and you have to stop tuning into it. Get a restraining order, change your number, refuse all contact, and report him if he shows up. Give him no response and he will eventually move on.

    What were you getting from him that you wanted to be involved with this kind of person at all? Do you have a career? Goals? Plans to move out of your parents’ house? Time to get more going for yourself so that next time a homeless mentally ill drug addict tries to make you his sugar mamma you’ll take a pass.

    #740238 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Agree -this ends now. Do not ever call him. Do not ever talk to him. If he shows up -call the police. He is emotionally manipulative. Think of all the people who have ended their relationships with him because he is a bastard in bastard coating with extra bastard filling.

    You owe him nothing. Sure, you loved him at one point but blah blah blah fishcakes. Helping him is a losing proposition. He will keep reaching out until he finds some other sucker to take him in. You don’t need to be that sucker anymore.

    #740246 Reply
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    Ale

    Get a restraining order.

    #740251 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    You’re not anybody’s hostage. Don’t give this loser control over your life. Block him on every possible means of contact. Get a restraining order. Never, ever speak with him again. If he manages to reach you by phone, hang up. If he gets an e-mail to you somehow, save it, but don’t reply. If he succeeds in getting you to talk to him, even if you’re just telling him to go away, he’ll take it as encouragement and keep trying.

    If he threatens suicide, call the police. If he’s sincerely suicidal, he’ll get help and your conscience can be clear. If he’s just trying to get your attention and sympathy, having the police show up at his door should discourage him from trying that nonsense again.

    #740265 Reply
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    Heather

    Thank you. All of you. I needed to hear this stuff. You guys are right I need to toughen up and get mt shit together. Thank you all very very much this has helped more than you know.

    P.s. my friend is actually the one who convinced me to let him live with her because she wanted money and she drove there to get him. Bad idea I should not have let her. Thank you ladies for not enabling/babying me and giving it to me straight!

    #740329 Reply
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    Stillrunning

    Your reply tells me you’re strong enough to cut him out of your life. Do it, don’t second guess yourself, and don’t think you can help him. You’re not the police or his therapist. His problems are not yours to solve.

    #740353 Reply
    FireStar
    FireStar
    Participant

    Is it wrong my first thought is just to tell him “die then”. All these people threatening suicide if you don’t give in to their emotional manipulation… I’m not a fan. He’s abusive. To you and your parents and friends. Get a restraining order and tell him to fuck off. His choices are not your responsibility. If he kills himself – that’s his choice. His options in life aren’t death or making you do what he wants. He has a lot of other options he just doesn’t want to explore. Oh well. His choice. His consequences. And being mentally ill is not a get out of jail free card. They still have to act like decent human beings. There are plenty of mentally ill people that manage it every day and then some.
    It should have told you something that he had no friends or family left. There is a reason no one cares about him. He’s an asshole. The next time you feel like rescuing someone, get a rescue dog. A boyfriend should be your equal and equally capable of taking care of himself. You need a lot of self reflection to make sure this doesn’t happen again. Walk away now without a backward glance. You owe your family that much.

    #740436 Reply
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    CCL

    I don’t know if this rings true or not, my sister who has struggled with depression/anxiety has made comments about suicide throughout the years – and also from someone else in my life who confided in me that he had attempted suicide when he was younger said that when someone talks about ending their life it is more likely a call for attention and that they’re not serious about it. They’re hurting and need help but they’re not at ‘that’ point yet. It’s when nothing is said and you have no clue that their depression is so severe that it’s too late. I’m not generalizing, I’m just just reiterating what someone said to me once. A few years ago that same person who had attempted suicide in the past said he felt those feelings come up again – since I didn’t know what to do, I contacted his family to let them know. I didn’t want that info weighing on me.

    #740449 Reply
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    ron

    Firestar:

    No! Never, ever say ‘just die then’ to a guy like this. Guys like this are the ones who take out their ex’s, whom they think they own, in murder-suicides. You don’t want to stir them up and volunteer to be on the top of their hit list.

    #740452 Reply
    FireStar
    FireStar
    Participant

    Fine. Don’t say it. But feel free to think it as you block his number.

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