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Dear Wendy

I am Growing Feelings for My Close Friend

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  • #1110817 Reply

    I (21 m) am roommates with a girl (22f). I became roommates with her a year ago because my friend invited me to join his house when looking for housing for college, but prior to this moment, I never knew her before. As the year went on, we became very close friends. I loved being around her because of how funny and kind she was. We shared a lot in common with the same shows and movies, hobbies, and overall sense of humor. A daily ritual of ours was that because my room was next to the front door, every day she would come home and would bang on my door to tell me she was home; something that should’ve annoyed me usually was something I always waited to hear.

    At the same time, she began to grow a liking to my friend and began to ask me about how she could grow a relationship with him. I didn’t mind because at the time, all I saw her as was a close friend. I tried to keep her confidence up and kept reassuring her that he would’ve been lucky to have her. However, later on, the two of them had a falling out. She was heartbroken and as a result, came to me for comfort. I tried to be the best friend I could be and did everything I could do to help her heal. What resulted was that we grew really close and were by each other’s side all the time. That’s when I grew feelings. Some light background on myself, I am really introverted so I don’t grow super close with people. Because of that, I’ve always felt that I had to care for myself outside of my parents, but when I was around her, I felt like someone truly cared about me. We kept each others’ heads up. When I was struggling with school, she always believed that I could not only do it, but be even better. When she began to struggle with her emotions, I would talk to her reminding her that no matter what happened between them, she was still the same, amazing person that I had known.

    Here is why I am asking for advice. While I have grown feelings for her, she doesn’t have feelings for me. I know this because while she isn’t trying to see my friend, she has been growing feelings for someone else she has been with this summer at a place she works at. Like before, she asked me for advice about it all, but this time, its completely different. It twists my guts to here her talk about someone else she has feelings for when I have the exact same feelings for her. I met him and he is a nice guy. I want to have a more intimate relationship with her, but because I’ve grown to care for her so much, I also want her to be happy. I don’t know what I should do about all of this.

    #1110825 Reply

    Is she straight up dating this other guy? if so you need to back off she is currently spoken for and is not on the market.

    If she just has a crush on him. You should get it off your chest, but in a way that does not require her to reciprocate. Tell her everything you have told us, but also say you understand that she might not feel the same way and that you would like to remain friends if she doesn’t.

    If she is as good a friend as you seem to think she is she will be empathetic and try to work with you to redefine the friendship with this information in mind. If she has feelings for you then you get to have a relationship with what sounds like a fantastic girl. And if she wants nothing more to do with you, well then the friendship probably was probably one-sided.

    If she is in a relationship with this dude or simply doesn’t reciprocate your feelings you should probably move out. Staying there is just going to be personal torture. I am speaking from experience.

    The reality is that she could like you in that way as well, but is too scared to do anything for fear of losing the friendship. It is possible to have feelings for more than one person, especially if you aren’t in a committed relationship.

    #1110827 Reply

    “The reality is that she could like you in that way as well, but is too scared to do anything for fear of losing the friendship”

    Almost impossible if she’s talking about her feelings for this other guy, to him. Women don’t do that. I think he’s for sure in the friend zone and should step way back from this friendship for his own protection.

    #1110837 Reply

    I’d recommend trying to reach out to other people. As an introvert myself, I had immense difficultly dealing with a crush of my own. However, I realised after a while that I was just so lonely, I was projecting feelings. We kissed and I realised that I felt nothing at all.
    Obviously, my situation isn’t the same, but I think attempting to show romantic interest in other people might help. If she doesn’t feel the same way, then pursuing it or pining won’t do anything. Try to date, or branch out. It’s hard but it does work, but don’t push her away (I’m not saying you will, but I have way too many friends who see that as the best course of action, so don’t), keep being nice and keep on polite and friendly terms.
    Let her date him. If he makes her happy, then he’s the right guy. Tell her only if you’re sure she won’t end your friendship over that.

    #1110841 Reply

    You are, and have always been considered a friend to her. That’s why she’s still talking to you about guys she likes. No woman would come to you about advice about a guy if she was into you. If you cannot be a friend to her, you should do a slow fade with the advice stuff and just be as civil as possible, or move out. I can tell you that there’s a good chance she will not be swayed if you make some declaration of a crush. It’s torture being next to someone you love while they don’t love you.

    I would suggest getting busy, staying busy and getting out with your friends and meeting new people. It’s a terrible idea to date a roommate regardless.

    #1112759 Reply

    I had this problem many years ago. I was crazy about my friend. But he had a girlfriend. Now he has a family, and I guess I’m still in love.

    #1112760 Reply

    Find someone available who is not your roommate and reciprocates your interest. Half the world is women. There is someone out there who will see you as a romantic partner but it isn’t this lady. Do NOT confess your feelings to your roommate. It will make your life as weird as hell.

    #1112761 Reply

    Also create some boundaries with this lady. You don’t need to be discussing her crushes with her. It will only make you miserable

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