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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I am I wrong?

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  • #1096284 Reply
    Teatree
    Guest

    Posted this eatlier in the wrong forum so I’m reposting here. My husband and I have been married for a few years now and have 1 daughter together. He has 2 kids from his ex-girlfriend. Earlier this evening my husband randomly asked me if my parents had ever confessed to me that I was their favorite? And if so, did I think it was wrong or right? So I told him that they never told me I was their favorite but at different times I’m sure that they may have felt  a little closer to a particular child at different times maybe based on interest, time spent together, etc but that didn’t mean their was a favorite child. So he just blurts out, I have a favorite and it’s not our daughter!” Completely taken off guard I ask him, “who is?” He childishly responds, “I’m not going to tell you, it’s my secret”. I was really taken back that he would say that not just to me but right in front of our 3 year old daughter. I know she’s 3 but she picks up on things and has been acting different ever since he said that. I told him it was a shitty thing to say! He thinks that there was nothing wrong with what he said. I fear that he will treat her differently and I don’t want to subject her to that. There have been other issues as well, marijuana addiction. Advice? Am I over thinking this?

    #1096285 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    It’s a shitty thing to say in front of a child or just to you.

    #1096286 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I wish women would stop asking “am I overthinking,” when men behave unacceptably. It reads, “tell me I’m wrong and crazy so I can stay in this awful situation.”

    Anyway, as I was reading this I was thinking, “is this your first sign that your husband is a piece of shit? It couldn’t possibly be.” And then you sort of answered that question when you said there have been other issues.

    So no, you’re not wrong or overthinking, if you’re thinking you married a piece of shit. It’s not too late to rectify that mistake.

    #1096287 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    We all know that parents have a favorite kid.

    BUT…

    There are things that we keep to ourselves, that your husband is idiotic enough to say it is just … I can’t even … there are things that we just keep to ourselves.

    As the adult in the room, the parent has to treat all kids the same. The kid may perceive favoritism at one point or the other, but it shouldn’t be glaringly obvious.

    A good parent looks at each kid and finds the things that they love and admire about the individual. They don’t have to have the same interests, or love the same things. A dad who likes to bake and play softball can still find things to admire about his son who likes to run marathons and play drums. And he can find things to admire about his daughter who loves baking and softball, and it’s the dad who needs to do the extra work to attend band practice and be waiting at the race finish line. Because the dad is the grownup.

    And not for nothing – but the three year old is going to have opinions and do stuff that is going to make her “not the favorite” at points in her lifetime.

    #1096320 Reply
    Ange
    Guest

    My ex boyfriend’s mother openly said she loved my ex boyfriend more than his brother all the time. The brother wisely ditched his family the second he could and by all accounts was living his best life with a wife and kids their grandmother never met. Even though you’re not the one perpetuating the idea if you allow that kind of favouritism to continue you’ll be caught up in the fallout anyway so think carefully about your next move.

    #1096321 Reply
    Prognosti-gator
    Participant

    HB: “I have a favorite and it’s not our daughter!”

    LW: “One of us is a complete and utter moron … and it’s not me!”

    PS. You sort of buried the lede with the “oh, by the way, he also has other problems. he’s an addict.”

    Sounds like he’s a whole pile of awful. I’d say you can divorce him, but that still won’t fix that he’s a crappy father to your kid.

    #1096323 Reply
    bloodymediocrity
    Participant

    Your husband is, at the absolute best, an idiot.

    Kate’s right – 90% of the time when a woman asks “Am I overthinking this?” it’s because something terrible is staring them in the face, and it’s easier to say “I’m the problem” than it is dealing with the actual problem.

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