This topic contains 34 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by Lucidity 4 weeks ago.
February 15, 2019 at 1:05 pm #832658
Please be patient with me.
It’s been months now. The confusion hasn’t left me.
There are moments I am haunted by it.
There are moments I can’t deal with people.
I have lied on bed, feeling it happening again.
I have sat at the shower, feeling it again.
Sometimes I am terrified of being left alone or being left behind.
I am terrified of memories, it feels like everything is eventually going away and I am left with nothing. Everything reminds me of something else instantly, and this is tiring.
I just got out of an over-emotional angry phase, during which I couldn’t stop crying for hours, was avoidant and pushed people away.
I am alone now.
I wanted to get back at harming myself. I wanted to swallow a handful of pills again. I wanted to tear my skin open again.
I let him do what he wanted. He took off my T-shirt violently. He pulled harder when I tried to hold it on. At the beginning he asked me if I liked what he was doing and I said in a low voice no. He didn’t hear me? I don’t know. All that I know is that he kept going. My expression was one of disgust. I had shut my eyes. Couldn’t open them. I tried to shut my legs, but he pushed them. I gave up.
I had a panic attack. Started shaking and couldn’t breathe. He said that we were just having fun. But when he saw that the shaking didn’t stop, he got up, told me to open my eyes and asked me to drink water.
I just lied there, completely empty. When the shaking got better, he came back on me.
I put up my hands against his chest, but he pinned them on the bed.
I felt paralyzed but I hurt so much that I screamed the loudest I have ever in my entire life.
He covered my mouth.
I thought I was going to die.
Crying, I asked him to please stop and that I wouldn’t scream again.
He said he was finishing, but he kept pushing harder. I was hurting more.
I didn’t know what finish meant.
It disgusts me.
After he was “finished”, he asked me if I wanted him to “get it out”.
I said yes.
He got up.
Later he asked me if I was in pain.
I said no.
He took my phone and deleted everything I had about him.
Later he asked me to meet him tomorrow.
I went back home a completely empty shell. Didn’t feel like a human anymore. Never felt like a human again.
I never went.
And never saw him again.February 15, 2019 at 1:26 pm #832661
You were raped. It’s obvious from what you wrote, so I’m not sure why you can’t put a name to it. Please call the equivalent of a rape and abuse hotline in your country and talk with a trained counselor.February 15, 2019 at 2:45 pm #832667
you were raped, and I am so so sorry. There are hotlines to talk to, please reach out. you are far from alone, I have been there also. Please reach out and talk to someone. You are in NO WAY at fault for his actions.February 15, 2019 at 7:45 pm #832680
Yes, you were raped. Please contact a helpline or a therapist. It’s really important for you to know this isn’t your fault, and hurting yourself will not bring you any sense of peace. You’re in pain, and you need help.
Bring a friend or family member and contact the authorities and file a report when you can. At least they will take a report in case he ever does this again. If you met him on an app, you should report him there, if that’s possible. I’m so sorry this happened to you.February 16, 2019 at 1:12 pm #832702
Is this a legit letter. Or a spoken word essay / performancce piece? The deliberate obtuse nature makes me feel the latter.February 16, 2019 at 1:54 pm #832703
I’m not sure, but we’ve definitely had some nonsense from this city.February 16, 2019 at 5:21 pm #832713
What do you mean?February 16, 2019 at 5:32 pm #832714
Part of his behavior show care, doesn’t it?February 16, 2019 at 5:34 pm #832715
What part?February 17, 2019 at 1:56 am #832722
He got up and asked her to drink water. In the end, he also asked her if she was in pain. Isn’t that care?February 17, 2019 at 3:58 am #832725
Um… no. Hell no.February 17, 2019 at 6:38 am #832727
“Her,” Ella? You’re the same person who wrote the original post. Please get help from a professional.