I asked my daughter on Thanksgiving why she didn’t tell me she’s no longer vegan

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  • This topic has 56 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 4 months, 2 weeks ago by That kind of daughter.
Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 57 total)
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  • Anonymousse
    November 25, 2023 at 12:21 pm #1126787

    You need to reread my comments. She is not beholden to you or what you want or what she previously agreed to.

    She was honest with you, she didn’t want to talk to you about it because you’d overreact and here you are overreacting over the stupidest trivial things! I don’t care if you’re a vegan, or why you’re vegan. She can choose to eat what she wants to. She is still AN ADULT doing things her way as she is want to do and I am serious but the consequences. You don’t seem to hear her or understand what is wrong here. You say you aren’t “meaning to brow beat her,” but that is EXACTLY what you are doing again!

    She is zooming in to family events now but if you keep being a controlling, possessive asshole, she won’t even be zooming in. If you want the best for your relationship you need to back off and see a therapist. Work on your communication skills and appropriate boundaries.

    None of your examples make your point, they just show how controlling you are.

    In short——If you want a relationship with your children, stop being a controlling asshole and see a therapist.

    Are you like this with you son and wife? It doesn’t show love, it shows control.

    Reply
    Anonymousse
    November 25, 2023 at 12:24 pm #1126788

    I wouldn’t want to talk to you about anything if I didn’t have to….is this a theme in your family? Look at yourself in the mirror. Your children are not pets to do as you train them. I don’t care what you’d hope she’d do her entire life because it’s what you like, I hope my kids are alive, well and happy. Why are you this way?

    Reply
    Anonymousse
    November 25, 2023 at 12:29 pm #1126789

    It is not normal to exact this level of obsession and lack of self awareness. You seem to only consider how you feel.

    What is weirdest is you keep saying you can sense she’s not wanting to do it!!! but instead of being kind and taking it away, you keep forcing explanations and reasons form her! Why? Why are you treating your daughter this way? You know she doesn’t like it. It’s really weird to hear as both a daughter and a parent.

    You want the best relationship, yet you are purposefully making her feel uncomfortable to the point she is greatly pulling away and you can’t seem stop yourself but push her more.

    The issue is you. Read these comments with your wife. What does she think?

    Therapy.

    Reply
    Anonymousse
    November 25, 2023 at 12:43 pm #1126790

    I’m sorry, I know I am and will admit that I am browbeating you but when I turned old enough I moved 3,000 miles away from my controlling family. For fifteen years I barely spoke to them, and only out of obligation like when a grandparent died.

    Is this what you want? If it is, keep acting like you are easy to talk to. You clearly are not, she has told you so but you won’t ever hear it.

    Good luck with the side business. You may want to put similar effort into harmonious relationships with your loved ones.

    Reply
    Kate
    November 25, 2023 at 1:09 pm #1126791

    Aside from all the other considerations here, how easy and affordable do you think it is to be vegan on a single salary, as a single person, with a full time job, and be sure you’re properly nourished? Have you ever done that? It sounds like you have a wife. Have you been a single woman trying to do everything for yourself, and maybe date and socialize with people who are not vegan? A lifestyle that works for a kid at home may not work when she’s on her own. But REGARDLESS, how she chooses to live and eat are none of your business at all and she owes you no information about it.

    Reply
    Anonymousse
    November 25, 2023 at 1:56 pm #1126792

    You’re not a fun and easy person to talk to. Instead of just insisting you are, could you try to think about what she said?

    You choose to do this during a fun family holiday zoom. If I had taken space from a controlling parent and this is how they treated me during a nice holiday meal Zoom…I would take more space from you!

    You gave her a hard time about veganism and your side business that you “pay her what you can afford.” What about that is light or fun with a daughter you are trying to connect with? It really sounds like you’re downplaying how the conversation went. You just dismiss everything she says as if she’s a child and her opinion doesn’t matter, yet she is going to stop caring about you at all if you can’t show her any respect. If you don’t respect her fundamentally, as another adult, you will lose her.

    You need to actually consider the criticism she has brought up and take it to heart, work to change and prove that to her. You owe her an apology. Probably many.

    Reply
    November 25, 2023 at 2:15 pm #1126793

    I’m with the others on this. You don’t seem like you’re looking for a mutual, trusting relationship with your adult daughter. You keep using the word transparency, but really, it’s control you want. Your daughter isn’t telling you things because she doesn’t feel like you’ll support her and/or will be disappointed.

    I’m relating your stance on veganism to religion, because really, it’s similar. As an adult, I decided I no longer wanted to practice Catholicism. I didn’t make some big announcement to my dad. It just happened. Is he disappointed? Absolutely. Does he wish I’d go to church? Again, absolutely. Does he need to have convos about it? No. For our adult relationship to work, we have boundaries about certain topics. It’s healthy for us and we’re able to remain mutually respectful to one another because I know I don’t feel pressure or his disappointment.

    And you want open and honest communication from your daughter, but your don’t give that I. Return. This job thing is a perfect example of that. If you felt she didn’t want to be part of your side hustle any longer, why didn’t you ask her about it instead of waiting her to tell you and then being upset? It’s weird. Practice what you preach, so to say. Right now, it seems one sided. That doesn’t work when your children become adults.

    Reply
    Lightningrod5
    November 25, 2023 at 3:32 pm #1126797

    I don’t know how to reach my daughter. To be honest, this is an issue I have felt for a long time now. For many months, my wife and I have felt our daughter pulling away from us. There are nights we go to bed crying because she takes days to return calls. Goes weeks without calling us, seeing us. This is not normal for her and it is heartbreaking. She is distancing herself from us and we don’t know what to do to fix it or what we did. It is so painful to be left in the dark like this.

    Reply
    Anonymousse
    November 25, 2023 at 5:27 pm #1126800

    It’s called growing up. It’s totally normal. Please see a therapist because what you want is not going to happen with the way you are treating her. She WILL pull away further. Have you ever heard of if you really love something, set it free? She needs space. Why are you crying nightly with your wife that your daughter is an adult? You should be proud and happy. I wouldn’t call you back either if you hounded me about my personal choices during a family dinner.

    You have been too hard and overbearing and she is pulling away. You need the help of a professional. She’s been pulling away for months now? Like moving out and not returning calls to her overly controlling father? You aren’t open to listening to her tell you what the issue is- she has yold you how she feels and you’ve dismissed it here.

    What exact kind of relationship are you expecting of an adult daughter who has just left the house?

    THERAPY

    Reply
    Anonymousse
    November 25, 2023 at 5:28 pm #1126801

    LISTEN TO WHAT SHE IS SAYING FOR A START. ACTUALLY LISTEN AND TAKE IT TO HEART INSTEAD OF DISMISSING HER.

    Reply
    Anonymousse
    November 25, 2023 at 5:31 pm #1126802

    It’s because you are overbearing, controlling and expect her to tell you everything she thinks. She is a grown woman and you’ve gone way too far. What you want is too much and is not normal for a parent relationship.

    What’s the work you’re expecting her to do for next to nothing and that you thought was wise to harass her about on the zoom?

    Do you understand that being “taken to task” about her “lack of transparency” (she does not owe you explanations!) is not fun for her and makes her want to spend EVEN LESS time with you?

    If you want people to like you and spend time with you, you can’t be an overbearing asshole ALL the time.

    You don’t try to understand her point of view or see it her way.

    Reply
    November 25, 2023 at 6:29 pm #1126805

    “For many months, my wife and I have felt our daughter pulling away from us. There are nights we go to bed crying because she takes days to return calls. Goes weeks without calling us, seeing us.”


    @Anonymousse
    said it already, but your daughter is simply behaving like a normal young adult. The harder you press her to communicate with you, the more she’s going to pull away. You and your wife need a more fulfilling life outside of your daughter.

    “This is not normal for her and it is heartbreaking.”

    It is normal for her. This is the new status quo. You need to adapt to the new status quo before it is too late.

    Reply
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I asked my daughter on Thanksgiving why she didn’t tell me she’s no longer vegan

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