I asked my daughter on Thanksgiving why she didn’t tell me she’s no longer vegan

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  • This topic has 56 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 4 months, 2 weeks ago by That kind of daughter.
Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 57 total)
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  • Anonymousse
    November 25, 2023 at 7:20 pm #1126809

    What is the “long story why” she dined with you via zoom? Seems like that might be a pertinent issue?

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    November 25, 2023 at 7:25 pm #1126810

    It’s absolutely normal for children to find their own way in the world once they become an adult. On here, you come across as overbearing and controlling. I can’t imagine what it’s like for your daughter IRL. That’s why she’s pulling away.

    I have a feeling your wife is similar. Even though she apologized, the checking for meat thing majorly crossed a line. Yikes.

    Look, I have a great relationship with my parents but we don’t see eye to eye on A LOT. We’re able to have this relationship because they’ve always let me be my own person, even if they don’t like all of my decisions. They trust me and trust that they raised me to be a decent, independent human. Truly, that’s all your daughter probably wants.

    Counseling for you and your wife would help you in this transition and maybe help you build a better relationship with your daughter.

    Reply
    Courtney
    November 25, 2023 at 7:42 pm #1126816

    Holy! where do I start?! Firstly, if I were her you would not be welcome at my house. Your wife thinking it was her business to go in your daughter’s fridge and a measly apology was enough shows how disrespectful your family is. Secondly, it’s none of your business so why would she even need to tell you she’s no longer vegan? It’s trivial that you are upset about this at all. Finally, the fact that your daughter wasn’t transparent with you should make you look in the mirror not blame her. You are proving exactly what she was saying. Some parents would be happy if all their kids did was decide to eat meat.

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    Texican Ashley
    November 25, 2023 at 7:59 pm #1126819

    People like you are exhausting. Instead of admitting that you are upset your daughter is no longer vegan, you latch onto some ancillary issue that she has no way of satisfactorily explaining to you, because it’s not your business ever, and making her life miserable that way. In this way, you can punish her for daring to do something you don’t approve of, but you can pretend you are a good father and concerned for the relationship. No one is buying your transparency bullsh**. Adults don’t owe other adults explanations of their diets. You didn’t need to tell us you are vegan for moral reasons, why else would your daughter be so afraid to tell you? And that’s the thing right? It is so freakin obvious why your daughter didn’t tell you, she knew this argument would start. She knew she would pay for daring to do something you don’t approve of, one way or another. Apologize to your daughter for overstepping boundaries and ruining dinner. Drop this ridiculous transparency cr**, and maybe you’ll have the kind of relationship with your daughter you say you want to have.

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    _s_
    November 25, 2023 at 8:02 pm #1126820

    “What is the “long story why” she dined with you via zoom? Seems like that might be a pertinent issue?”

    Absolutely. There is obviously much more to this situation than captured in this short letter. Like others have said, you need to give your daughter room to breathe and start enjoying adult life, and you and your wife should consider seeing a therapist about why her not volunteering every detail of her life to you and not calling you back immediately has you both crying yourselves to sleep every night. *That’s* what’s not normal. Her making dietary and work choices for herself without immediately telling you is totally normal. She has told you you are difficult to communicate with and judgemental. We strangers see that in this letter you have written, even though you have written it to make yourself sound like you are in the right. A therapist can help you understand why your daughter feels this way and give you advice on how to better understand and communicate with her.

    I love my mom, she was and is a great mom, and yet there are things she doesn’t know about me even though we have a good relationship and she has always been supportive of my life choices (even if she may not understand them). And I do not always answer the phone when she calls or return her calls immediately simply because I know she is a chatterbox and the call we be long, so I need to make sure I have the time and headspace to devote a long phone call (I hate talking on the phone in general, and I think many “kids today” feel that way too). And guess what, all of this is perfectly normal.

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    Marty
    November 25, 2023 at 8:20 pm #1126821

    Why did you need to know that your daughter is no longer vegan? What difference does it make.

    I would say your reaction is exactly why she doesn’t share things with you.

    Reply
    Arielle Jane
    November 25, 2023 at 8:39 pm #1126822

    See, I am an adult with a controlling mother like you and she wonders why I don’t talk to her even if I already explained that she’s not someone easy to talk to. My relationship with her is based on basic courtesy because she never earned my trust. Your daughter doesn’t owe you her trust if you never did anything to build it. You should apologize if you want a relationship with her, if not, well, your relationship will only be FaceTime calls from time to time with pointless conversations like the ones I have with my mom.

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    CrackerJackson
    November 26, 2023 at 12:33 am #1126823

    When an adult child isn’t honest with their parent, it likely is for fear of judgment, disappointment, or not wanting to receive a lecture, and is a learned behavior based on previous interactions.

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    Bree
    November 26, 2023 at 2:06 am #1126824

    Listening to your question and subsequent responses, I have to say that you don’t sound like an easy person to talk with. Keep up this line of inquisition with your daughter, and she will go no-contact in a heartbeat. Maybe that’s what you want, since your daughter is so obviously disappointing to you.

    Reply
    RoseRook
    November 26, 2023 at 3:18 am #1126825

    I have two young adult daughters who have made some choices which would not have been my personal preference in matters that are personally meaningful to me.

    But I totally respect their right to make those choices…AND discuss them with me or not. I don’t see that same respect in your letter or further comments for her right as an adult to following the path that you laid out for her as a child…or not. Because they are autonomous adults.

    You say, “I took the opportunity to ask her why she wasn’t transparent about telling me.” Why, with the sheer fact that she didn’t tell you then begging your wife not to tell you, means she is uncomfortable doing so, because she had a sense of how you would react that seems accurate from all these comments. Then you say she “should learn to be strong and tell people her decisions anyway.” She SHOULD? Sorry, that’s not your call to make.

    “The lack of transparency around not telling me is what was stuck in my craw”. Again why? No other adult, even your child, owes you transparency about their choices and whether or not they tell you about them and why they tell you about them or not. Instead this should tell you loud and clear that for whatever reason, you are NOT a safe space to speak openly in her mind. Her not meeting your gaze in the call says the same thing.

    “My daughter likes to say, “You wouldn’t understand!/You would overreact!”, but that has never been proven true, and if she told me sooner instead of hiding it for a year, all would have happened is what happened today: me calmly asking her questions about it.” Clearly she thinks it was proven true. Gosh, all that would have happened was you “calmly” interrogating her about it earlier? Can’t imagine why she wouldn’t have signed right up for that.

    You didn’t accept her explanation that moving out on her own, a major life-changing event for any young adult, was good enough to explain her delay on her project for the family business. You decided that your take on her schedule and adjustment was more accurate than hers, and again, she wasn’t being “transparent” enough to suit you and you count it as “flippant” that she’s not all about the family “us” stuff that’s important to you. But her apparently not so much.

    “My daughter’s lack of honesty with me seems to be a running problem.” It’s not dishonest for an adult not to share every detail up their life and the reasoning behind all their choices with their parents until their parents are satisfied. Not doing so is not a “problem” to be fixed.

    Your idea of transparency seems to be that daughter ought to live in a glass house where you get to examine all actions and then get to ask questions about anything you find not congruent with your personal choices, to which she owes you all the answers, as long as you ask calmly, until you’re satisfied. “There are things you are clearly feeling and not communicating with me.” Yeah, and…? That’s a human right. “You won’t admit”, you say twice, as if this admitting all of her thoughts and feelings was something she owed you.

    As others have said, if you keep this up you are going to lose her even further. As others have said, it’s not normal,the family sitting around crying, heartbroken about the fact that an adult who is now out on their own is “pulling away,” “takes days to return calls. Goes weeks without calling us, seeing us…distancing herself”.

    “This is not normal for her”. It’s perfectly normal for a young adult leaving the nest. Even more so in these conditions. It’s going to get more and more and more normal for her the more you insist on being the transparency police, insisting and the whole truth about every aspect of her life and feeling you are owed full explanations for everything, tagging her as dishonest if she doesn’t.

    I agree with others that have said that you and your wife should look into counseling to help you accept your daughter as now a free and independent adult, no longer an extension of you, not some subsidiary of you who owes you all, no longer obligated in any way by things she told you as a child she planned to do all her life.

    Reply
    Pammyj
    November 26, 2023 at 8:25 am #1126826

    Oh my, where to begin…

    Firstly, and I say this as a plant based eater who changed her diet for ethical reasons, people like you and your wife are why I will never call myself a vegan! The militancy that so many vegans exude is so distasteful and off putting.

    But I don’t see the issue with your daughter as much about her being vegan as I do about healthy boundaries. You, and moreso your wife, are a hot mess. You clearly don’t seem to recognize boundaries at all. My children have all left the nest too and the most important thing I’ve learned is how important boundaries are and even though we are still close we don’t talk incessantly because they are busy with their lives. Your daughter is learning to be on her own and as long as she knows you are there for her unconditionally, she will when she wants and needs to. For you two to be so needy and pushy is only making her want to stay away.

    You need to BACK OFF and please, please, please, get some therapy. Truly. Practice boundaries with everyone, not just her. Understand not everyone wants to be vegan, stop playing the victim, and allow people to walk their own path.

    Reply
    Nicki
    November 26, 2023 at 9:07 am #1126827

    She may not be telling Dad everything she’s thinking the moment she’s thinking it (which, BTW, is not something anyone should ever be expected to do in any kind of relationship), but she is telling him a LOT. She moved out of the house, separated herself from the family business, did not attend Thanksgiving in person, specifically asked (super intrusive mom) not to share information she acquired by snooping, and then very clearly said that Dad’s reactions to information that doesn’t conform with his worldview are upsetting to her. That’s a ton of information. Perhaps Dad should lean into what she HAS told him. And perhaps Dad should start from a place of believing that what she’s saying is true. Stop the interrogations, be grateful for whatever parts of her life she shares with her parents, and, if she’s open to it, ask her to share examples of situations where YOUR behavior has been inappropriate and has caused her to set the boundaries she clearly has set. And then…without reacting, justifying, or explaining, take time on your own with that information to do some work on your behavior. This is on you sir. Time to do some difficult, introspective work. And perhaps some counseling…which will only work if you are transparent and honest with your therapist.

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I asked my daughter on Thanksgiving why she didn’t tell me she’s no longer vegan

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