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I can’t forget about my ex after 9 years

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  • #897537 Reply

    I was 14 when I met my first love. He wasn’t the first boyfriend I had, there had been a couple of teenage flings that lasted no longer than a month. But he was my real first; my first everything. We were together for almost two years, taking a break in between, but we were just teens. We went our separate ways because of issues we both had, but we stayed amicable. “Getting over him” was made easier by the fact we had separate social circles, so I rarely ever saw or spoke to him.
    Flash forward 8 years, after struggling with a lot of personal demons through my teens, I’m in a happy relationship of 4 years, working in a shop, life is good. The last thing I expected was for my ex boyfriend to appear at my till, I haven’t properly thought about him for ages. The last I heard, he’d started doing drugs and wasn’t in a good way. He stands in front of me, chubbier and stubblier than he used to be, but his eyes still have the same sparkle they did back then and he just looks so healthy. I was completely overwhelmed with some sort of feeling of pride or happiness for him that he’d gotten back on the right track, and after a quick catch up at the till, I sent him a Facebook message one night.
    We spoke all evening and he admitted that he’d been wondering whether to message me, too. And when we realised we were both in relationships now, I felt something I don’t think I’ve ever felt before, my heart physically ached. The thing is, I love my current partner and I wouldn’t change him for the world. Something just clicked inside me when I saw my ex, and I can’t shake it.
    Now finally, after months of rekindling our friendship texting each other (ranging from friendly to flirty, never anything beyond that), he just blocked me. I assumed his girlfriend had found out we had been talking, which was fair. But then he came back, a couple of weeks later, like nothing had happened. He did this 3 times, and then just disappeared altogether 4 months ago. The last I heard, his girlfriend sent me a message along the lines of “X told me you were the biggest mistake of his life and he’s blocked you on everything for a reason, so don’t try to contact him. He hates you.”

    And now I’m left here, I just do not understand what happened, what changed. Is it something I did/said, is it his girlfriend blocking me every time, did he really say he hated me?? I can’t stop obsessing over this guy. Am I simply pining for something because I know I can’t have it? Or is it true that you never do truly get over your first love, and will always hold a flame for them, no matter the circumstances?

    #897560 Reply

    You’re not pining for something because you know you can’t have it. You’re bored.

    You have nothing more compelling going on in your life right now, so you’re creating absolutely needless drama so your brain can have something to focus on. He’s not someone you’re destined to never forget or whatever. He’s rude.

    Your brain is asking you for something interesting to focus on. Don’t make it a guy. There are ten thousand things more worthwhile than this, and I am not exaggerating. Wouldn’t it be cool to learn a language, or how to invest, or how to sew, or how to ride a horse, or anything other than this!? You’re stable now, so your brain wants something to engage with. Aim higher.

    #897955 Reply

    I agree that it sounds like you’re bored. Do you love your current bf? Why would you welcome this kind of drama into your life if you loved your current bf? I don’t think most people think about their “first love” this way.

    He’s in a relationship, and whether or not he or she blocked you, it’s clear that this flirtation is going nowhere good. Take the hint, back off and refocus your attention to things that give you something good. If you do love your bf, take some time to reconnect. If you know that you don’t, that you are just comfortable right now, and that comfort is boring for you, maybe it’s a good time to reconsider the relationship you’re in. Stop pining over someone you “dated” at 14. He’s not that person anymore.

    #897985 Reply

    Hi Hannah. It seems this guy randomly turned up again one day and you have “glommed on to him” for some reason that has nothing to actually do with him. You apparently had not been thinking of him for years or not obsessing anyway.
    I agree with the others-you are missing something in your life that you need..and you need to figure out what it is and find that. It is not him. Just let him go..stop all contact.

    #898024 Reply

    Also, the thing you’re missing in your life is not a guy. It’s nothing to do with your current boyfriend, or a possible new boyfriend, or any of that.

    You said yourself that you’re stable for the first time in many years. That’s great. Instead of f0cking up your stability, use it as a springboard into even better things. That’s what I mean by “aim higher.” You have a foundation from which to create an even better life for yourself. Don’t go backwards just because you can’t think of anything better to do. It’s a big world.

    #898372 Reply

    Really, you don’t understand what happened? His girlfriend doesn’t like him sending flirty texts to an ex. That’s it. He shouldn’t really have been doing that and neither should you. You both want to stay in your respective relationships and the distractive flirting has come to an end. It’s not more complicated than that. I’m sure he doesn’t hate you. She made that up or he said it to get her off his back. But he values his relationship more than your flirty texts.

    #898374 Reply


    “ Or is it true that you never do truly get over your first love, and will always hold a flame for them, no matter the circumstances?”

    No, that’s definitely not true.

    #898636 Reply

    Eh, I dunno. I never got over mine.

    #898642 Reply

    I think first loves are special in their own way, but it doesn’t mean you don’t “get over them” so to speak. They’ll always have a special place in hearts, but hearts move on. Well, most at least.

    #899612 Reply

    So I think that nostalgia is very normal. You remember the feelings of first love and how easy life was. Like life was less complicated and fresh. I think also thinking about what might have been is very normal. Now, here is the thing. You have a choice to pick at these feelings or to leave them alone. Monogamy is a choice you make over and over again. You will be faced with choices throughout your life. You choose to have chat conversations or meet for coffee. People say things like “it just happened” but cheating is a bunch of tiny choices and you push the line every time before you step over it. So you guys have sent a few messages and his girlfriend did not like it. Just leave it alone. Focus on your relationship and see if you can breathe some life into it and make it more fun.

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