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I can't get over a guy I used to date

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by avatar Margarita 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #810839 Reply

    Flashback to freshman year of university (last year), I met a guy through a club/organization. This club had their first meeting and it was supposed to be an event to recruit freshman. There I met this guy who was older than me. I immediately felt drawn to him. He was supposed to be the photographer for the night. He tried to take a picture of me that night and I turned away because I’ve always been camera shy. I thought I made a fool out of myself that night. Skip over to a few club meetings later, I signed up along with my friends to be on the same planning committee as him. This was unintentional of course. Anyway, on one of the nights we were all working together, things got weird. I could feel him looking at me all through the night, but I didn’t think more of it because I never had a guy like me before (especially an attractive guy). It was around 1am by the time we finished and there were only 4 of us left. He decided to treat everyone out because he was the oldest and the only one working (which I want to not that he was on coop at a Fortune 500 company too). At the diner, we all got to know each other. Somehow the topic came up and he told us about his past relationship and how he was broken hearted. He used to pay for all of his ex’s expenses. She also tried to change him to be an “ideal” guy. I don’t know what overcame me, but I told him that he doesn’t have to change for a girl. We again had this weird moment. Forward to Thanksgiving, my friends get a confession from me and him. I’ve never dated anyone before, so he was the first guy in my life in that way.

    Skipping a lot of details of some of the dates we’ve gone on, I knew I fell for him really hard. However, I started hearing rumors about him. Apparently, he used to be a player. He changed after meeting me. But because of all of these rumors and my own inexperience, I began pushing him away. We were dating for three months when I put an end to things by telling him that I only saw him as a friend. I was devastated because that wasn’t true. I really liked him, but I was scared, so I ran away. He didn’t fight for “us” either, so I took it as he didn’t really care. And load and behold, that weekend after I broke it off with him, he hooked up with some girl. I nearly broke down crying when I saw the hickey on his neck.

    Soon after, he joined a fraternity. He went back to being the “player” he used to be, partying and going around with a different girl every week.

    It’s been a year, and I’ve been on dates with different guys, but I cut every one of them off before it can become a relationship because they weren’t “him.”

    Two months ago, I gave up on fighting my feelings. I decided that I would confess to him, that I would tell him the truth of our breakup(?) So what did I do? I decided to come over to the frat guys’ house. I was friends with the guys and they were having a chill Saturday night so we all watched a movie. I was waiting for my guy to come back the entire night by the way… And 2am hits when he comes back to the house tipsy and with some girl. He looked me in the eyes and walked upstairs with her. You can already tell where that left me that night.

    I’ve decided to move on. That’s what I need to do, right? Because obviously he has, and I’m just here stupidly hung over a guy that probably doesn’t even care that I exist now. BUT I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t move on. Even though it was only 3 months that we dated, I feel like we’ve gotten to know each other for ages. He showed me his vulnerable side, not this guy that he is today. Sure, he’s a good-looking 6’1 guy with a high GPA. But I got to know the side of him that other people didn’t see. He has the biggest heart and he cares about his family so much. But at the same time, he isn’t perfect, and that’s okay. He has some family issues. He has some trust issues. I’m just typing out my feelings as I go at this point.

    I’m so sad. I don’t know what to do. I can’t get over him. I just want to move on and be happy. But every now and then, he’ll run into my life again and everything that I should hate about him disappears. I’ve been crying a lot recently for no reason. I cry because there are great guys coming into my life. I cry because I can’t ever give them a chance. I cry because I hate that he is the reason why I can’t give these guys a chance. I cry because despite this, I don’t hate him. I cry because deep down I just want to be with him.

    This was a long rant overdue, so thank you if you read all of this. That being said, please please help me. Please give me some advice. I’m so sad all the time and I want to stop feeling this way.

    #810843 Reply

    Well maybe you should call him up and tell him the truth about how you feel. He isnt a mind reader. He respected your wishes and moved on because you saw him as a friend. If you really like this guy then accept his past as his past. If he really likes you then he will give you another chance. Also rumors are carried by haters, spread by fools, and accepted by idiots.

    #810858 Reply

    Ok a guy looking at you isn’t weird it’s called interest.

    #810862 Reply

    You should speak to a counselor at your school. Crying all the time is not normal.

    And yeah, you should tell him how you feel of you really feel compelled to. But call him and ask to meet for coffee instead of waiting at his frat house for an entire night. That’s pretty weird, IMO. Although telling him how you feel might not change the reality of the situation.

    Everyone gossips. And while those rumors could be true, you should stop letting other people interfere in relationships where you are otherwise happy. Instead of trusting him, you believed what other people said, that he was a player. You then decided to torpedo the relationship before he could hurt you. So you hurt him and yourself.

    #810884 Reply

    Some tips for future relationships:

    1) When a guy tells you about his terrible ex who broke his heart within a couple hours of your meeting him….run.

    2) “He didn’t fight for us.” You were only dating for a few months. There was barely any “us.” And that whole concept of fighting for a relationship is nonsense that comes out of bad romance novels.Anyway, you told him you saw him as a friend. What was he supposed to do, fall on his knees and beg you to see him as a lover? Again: bad romance novel.

    3) “He used to be a player, but he changed after meeting me.” Another cliche from novels and movies. There’s no lightning bolt from the sky that drastically changes someone’s personality when they’ve had a few dates with a certain person.

    People can grow out of player behavior, yes, or decide that they want to stick with a certain person, but the two of you barely knew each other. This was a very new relationship, and it was way too soon for him to make that kind of decision.

    You made a mistake in abruptly dumping him based on gossip, but first relationships usually don’t last long anyway. It’s OK. Go see a counselor to help with the intrusive thoughts, and start dating again.

    #810887 Reply

    @essie – right on all counts.

    “Fight for us” – no and you shouldn’t be encouraging this behavior OP. It takes one person to break up a couple. One person decides they are done. The other person has to accept the decision. He did that. He respected your decision.

    If you regret your decision -well too bad. You sound like at this time you’re having a hard time managing your anxiety and emotions. Been there and it’s exhausting. You need to find ways to manage yourself. Consider therapy.

    #810920 Reply

    Yeah, in retrospect, maybe you should reflect and think about all the wrong moves you made and do better next time. I don’t mean beat yourself up about it, but recognize that you behaved badly. Live and learn. It seems like you made some sort of rash decision based on gossip, broke up with him, lied to him about why and now you regret that.

    No one should have to prove their love or loyalty to you. Do you really want him back? Because it sounds like you hold all of his hooking up against him. You think he’s a player.

    Maybe you should take some time and really focus on yourself and what you really want.

    #810935 Reply

    You only dated for 3 months, made a lot of mistakes because of inexperience and a romcom view of dating. It’s over. It was a learning experience. The worst thing you did: not discussing the perceived problem in the relationship with the guy, falsely telling him you just saw him as a friend. You should listen more to your own perceptions of where a relationship stands and what kind of guy you are dating; you also should talk about things and consider his answers. What your friends say about his past are things to consider and watch for, but not things to believe just because your friends say them or just because they frighten you if true. He may well be a player. If so, you should have seen evidence while dating him. Why would you expect him to fight for a relationship in which the other person sees him as nothing more than a friend? That makes no sense.

    #811055 Reply

    The same exact thing happened to me 10 years ago in college, except lasted for about a year. I let the gossip and the “player rep” dictate what I said and did to him, assuming everyone else was right – despite what he would say to me one on one. I never gave it a real chance because I was too insecure to be with him. I def needed therapy back then – as do you; going to that frat house to wait for him with other people there is exactly what I would have done too (and did, if you replace frat house with other places). He was confused and I was crazy. Long story short, I still regret my actions one decade later and wish it was different. I never fully got over him and a few weeks ago found out he died unexpectedly. The regrets of my grief are infinitely more painful than the regrets I had before his death. My guess is you can’t get over him because he fits into an unhealthy pattern that you’re unwilling to get out of, and that requires close introspection and therapy.

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