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I Can't Keep His Attention!

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar dinoceros 2 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #852831 Reply
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    Canopy

    My husband has been having trouble staying excited during sex for the past several months. When we first got married we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other but within the past year something has changed, and I’m not sure what it is. We’ve been married only for a few years so I think it’s kind of early to be having these kinds of issues already. We’re both in our 30’s so we’re still fairly young. He did have a career change a couple of years ago, which his job keeps him a way from home during the week. I don’t want to be accusatory but I’m starting to wonder if cheating could some how be the culprit, if not physical cheating maybe emotional? I haven’t found any reason to suspect cheating other than I can’t keep him aroused anymore and it’s becoming very hurtful. I’m trying not to let it effect my self esteem but it is. Lately my mind has started to wonder and I find myself thinking about being intimate with someone else and I don’t want to have those kinds of thoughts because I love my husband but he not fulfilling my need of intimacy. I worry that this could lead to the end of our relationship. I know sex isn’t everything but intimacy is a big part of a healthy relationship and we’re falling short right now.

    #852832 Reply
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    Fyodor

    Is the issue that he’s declining sex or that he is unable to maintain an erection?

    #852838 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I think before jumping to cheating conclusions, you need to talk to him about what’s going on and that it’s taking an emotional toll on you. You should say that you want to rule out any health issues so you’d like him to go to the doctor and get checked out. You love him and want to be sure he doesn’t have some underlying medical condition. You also want for you both to share a satisfying sex life. Will he please do that for you – make an appointment with his doctor?

    Also during that conversation you could ask him if he has any ideas about what’s making it difficult to stay aroused. He may say he’s tired or stressed. He may say your body has changed, idk, guys say that sometimes. It would be good to hear what he thinks though.

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 2 days ago by avatar Kate.
    #852840 Reply
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    Fyodor

    I would also add that this is probably something that he’s not feeling great about, so try to show some concern for his feelings and don’t immediately start accusing him of cheating.

    #852841 Reply

    The first step is to have a conversation about this. You don’t mention that you’ve talked about this at all. You need to. Ask him to get checked out, ask him what’s going on. Sex and intimacy are really important, but communication is probably even more essential to a healthy, functioning relationship. Do not accuse him of cheating. I don’t know why that’s the first thing that comes to mind, unless you have other reason to suspect that.

    #852846 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    There are so many medical reasons for erectile dysfunction. Yes, even in someone your husband’s age. Medications are notorious for it. Circulatory problems. It can be an early sign of heart disease or diabetes.

    How about suggesting he see his doctor before you start accusing him of breaking his marriage vows.

    #852847 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Also, in your title and another place in your post, you imply that it’s your failure to keep him aroused and interested, like that’s all on you. It’s not. There could be a lot of different things going on here, but it’s not about you not being enough.

    #852856 Reply
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    Ange

    Could be low testosterone, could be a sneaky porn problem, could be an illness, could be depression, could be anything really. You’ll have to have that difficult conversation to find out, though most of the common culprits could be sussed out by a doctor’s visit. If there’s no underlying medical issue or any relationship issue that comes out I’d start checking his porn use. Honestly cheating would probably be the last thing I’d think of and for your sake I hope it’s a relatively easy fix.

    #853233 Reply

    Adding to what everyone else has said, re. this conversation that you MUST have. Don’t have it in the heat of the moment (ie. when you’re attempting sex) as it’s likely to be a little more emotionally charged then. Have it at a more “neutral” time when sex isn’t even a real possibility, when you both can give it attention without it being tied to immediate disappointment/resentment/etc.

    #853288 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    Yikes. Do you have any reason to think he’s cheating or is it just the sexual issues? If it’s the latter, that sort of attitude is not going to help things. It’s not going to help someone relax and have an easier time if they think that performance issues will result in you deciding they are unfaithful…

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