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I can't make big decisions – how do I know he's "the one"?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice I can't make big decisions – how do I know he's "the one"?

This topic contains 38 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by avatar Northern Star 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 39 total)
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  • #811226 Reply

    You shouldn’t make that kind of commitment to someone if you have this many doubts. I think you’re trying to rationalize your doubt by saying that you’re the kind of person who can’t make decisions, so therefore your doubt isn’t about him. Even indecisive people would feel mostly good about their decision, but maybe have a couple doubts that creep in.

    Considering how much risk is involved, I also think you need to listen to yourself here. I would never give up all of that for someone that I had no idea if I really wanted to be with. I think that a year with someone who lives two hours away is not necessarily enough time to make that decision anyway. A year with someone you see every day? Maybe. But how often do you really see him?

    #811229 Reply

    Hi-It is not an easy yes it seems-so it is a no. Because you are so indecisive,you are at risk of “just going along with him”.
    Tell him you need a couple weeks to think about things and if possible go no contact for that time. Then you can “step back” and see the big picture.
    If he protests or tries to pressure you -well add that into the mix of if you really want a life with this guy.

    #811230 Reply

    Yeah I agree the bf moving would likely be a bad decision. At that age he might own a home, have many years of service in a career and it would make the OP seem like a petulant child if she demanded he moved to her to prove his love or some romcom BS.

    He might have some biological clock ticking and is rushing it but it seems pretty early to make that kind of commitment. I think if you want to continue this relationship, you should make some commitments but not just abandon your job and home to move. (But also if its been rocky already, why not look elsewhere, like in your own city and age bracket?)

    Can you commit to spending more days in a row together (at home or on a trip) so you can see how compatible you are when its not a quick tryst? Or spend some more weekends in his city so you can learn the city, make friends, scope it out. Since its only 2 hours away, you have an awesome opportunity to ease your way into the city vs jumping straight in? And if that all goes well, maybe in a few months if you think you might like to continue the relationship you start job hunting and see if you can find something you like in the area, a job you’d like even if you weren’t moving for a guy.

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by avatar SpaceySteph.
    #811232 Reply

    I’m not there yet in my life, so I can’t’ speak from personal experience, but I have a hard time believing that everyone is completely doubt-free when it comes to these kinds of things. One year of dating also isn’t very long, in my opinion.

    That said, I don’t think you should move in with this guy. For starters, why would moving in together *require* you to move and find a new job? Is he not willing to consider the possibility of uprooting his life to make this work? It also sounds like you have completely different timelines in mind for yourselves. And you fight a lot to boot!

    I don’t even understand why you’re considering it, to be honest. You didn’t list a single reason you’d want to move in with him, but have a running list of doubts/hesitations.

    #811236 Reply

    @copa I don’t think there are no doubts per say bur not about being excited about doing what it takes to be with that person. I mean, I for sure wouldn’t have moved to this shit hole if I had any doubts, I can assure you that.

    #811240 Reply
    Northern Star

    “Yeah I agree the bf moving would likely be a bad decision. At that age he might own a home, have many years of service in a career and it would make the OP seem like a petulant child if she demanded he moved to her to prove his love or some romcom BS.”

    Unless this guy is legally tied to a specific location/job—he can take steps to be with his girl if he’s so anxious to move forward. 39 is not exactly ancient. We don’t know what either of them does for a living. And frankly, if you want someone to start a life and family with you, but you will not move to be with them because it’s inconvenient—you don’t care all that much about them.

    #811245 Reply

    LW — it sounds like you have lots of doubts because you should have lots of doubts. You and bf have a rocky relationship, because of age difference you are on different time schedules — he wants kids now, you don’t; he wants to move in together, you aren’t ready. You don’t sound crazy about him.

    I think Northern Star was right the first time. He wants to accelerate the relationship faster than you do, and to him that means you must uproot your life and move to him. He won’t move. BGM may be correct that as an older guy he is embedded in his job, but… you live only 2 hours apart by car. I’ve known many couples who picked a place to live in the middle and each had an hour commute. Less than ideal long term, but perfectly reasonable for at least a few years, especially so since you haven’t been dating him that long and have no reality-based idea on how compatible the two of you will be living together full time.

    A concern about everything in your letter: he seems too dominant in the relationship and too selfish in meeting his own needs. This is a danger in a relationship with an older guy: he chooses a significantly younger partner whom he can dominate, you defer to him because he’s older and more experience. If you’re already talking kids, which you definitely should not allow him to push you to until you’re absolutely ready for that and (much older person’s perspective here) married), then I think you should be seeking a marriage-of-equals. That’s not what you’re in line for with this guy.

    #811259 Reply

    With as much doubt as you have the two of you haven’t been together nearly long enough to consider moving in together. Especially since you’ve been long distance and so don’t see each other as often as you would if you could see each other on weekday evenings. Many couples that have been together for a year are broken up by the time they hit two years. The excitement of a new relationship tends to wear off between one to two years. It takes even longer if you don’t see each other very much.

    If you do decide to move to his city you should get your own place. It’s good to always leave yourself room to break up. If you have your own place and it turns out to be a good relationship you can still see each other every day and go back and forth between his place and yours. If you move in with him then it is much more difficult for your to break up.

    Don’t have children until you are certain you want to be a parent and feel ready to be a parent. You aren’t there for either of those.

    Your relationship doesn’t sound like a good long term relationship. The two of you argue too much. A rocky first year in a relationship is a very bad sign. The first year should be sunshine and roses. It’s the honeymoon year where he should seem wonderful almost all of the time. That’s a really bad sign for this relationship being a good long term relationship. With that in mind proceed cautiously if at all.

    If you feel that you would only move because he is pressuring you for marriage and kids then say no. Don’t be pressured into making major life commitments just because someone is trying to make the decision for you and is pressuring you. If he wanted someone who was ready for marriage and kids he should have picked someone who was at that point in their life. He didn’t. You really have an imbalance in your lives between what you want and he feels free to try and dominate you and push you into what he wants. That is never a good sign for a happy, healthy relationship.

    #811504 Reply

    Hi everyone!

    First of all, thank you very much for all of your responses and insights. I read through every comment twice.

    #811506 Reply

    Bittergaymark and SpaceySteph were right in the moving matter, he teaches at a university, and it was really hard for him to get this job. I, on the other hand, have been at my company for 2 years, I really can’t compare and can’t wait for him to move (there’s no uni at my city). Also, he owns an apartment there, so…
    Your comments resonated with me very much: he is a dominant person, and when I read the suggestion that I should move into a separate apartment or try living between the two cities for a while, I automatically knew what his response would be (negative).
    When I wrote that he is a short tempered person, I meant examples like this:
    – we were eating lunch at a mall, and one of my friends called me. I haven’t spoken to her in a while, so I accepted the call and maybe talked for too long. I know I shouldn’t have when he and I were eating together, but I thought he wouldn’t mind. There was a bit of a conundrum regarding the meals and payment, he was getting angry, and said to me quite loudly that “leave the shit already, stop talking to her”. My friend and everyone around heard us, I was very embarassed.
    – he demanded I post pictures of us on FB. I am a more private person, I don’t like posting my personal stuff, especially when I thought we were having troubles. I of course accepted everything he posted about us, but that wasn’t enough. He even demanded that I don’t accept if a friend of mine posted a picture with me.

    I don’t know…writing this all out just makes me realise some things are not OK.
    He is otherwise a kind man, always straight about things, never wanting a bad thing happening to me, never would have cheated on me, and wants good things for people. Sometimes I feel I’m not appreciating him enough. When we spent time together at his place or on trips, things were good. He says most of our disagreements come from not living together.

    ARrrh, sorry for this word-vomit! It was really good to write it out though…

    #811508 Reply

    No most of your disagreements come from him being rude not you not living together.

    #811514 Reply

    He sounds mean and controlling. He twists the conversation about disagreements to be your fault (for not living together) and doesn’t actively work to solve the issues and stop them from happening.

    He should not be dictating your social media profile. He shouldn’t be yelling at you for talking to your friend for too long. Do you want to feel like you are tiptoeing around him?

    Given that you aren’t ‘fuck yes’ about this whole thing AND he displays some pretty icky personality traits…I vote no.

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