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From a LW:
“I know you should have a lot of e-mails filling your account right now, so I’ll give you a TL/DR: I had an affair, I ended it (before being discovered), I repent and now I can’t cope with the guilt nor my lack of self-steem. I need someone to assure me that I do can focus on working on myself because I don’t believe me worthy enough and I keep belittling myself mentally.
Now, below is the full version:
I had and ended an affair with a man who has a girlfriend. I was single. My first time doing so and I knew about the girlfriend from the beginning. Not my proudest moment. When I realized the real implications of what I was doing, I ended it. We lasted 3 months and we never did it to the end, just touching under the underwear. Now…I feel like a piece of sh**, like I don’t deserve to let go of this cross of having forgotten my morals, like I don’t deserve any fulfilling relationship in a future and like I’m not worthy enough. Yeah, a molotov coctel that isn’t healthy, I can tell it.
As I told you before, I know that I did something wrong and I repent about it. We weren’t discovered and I’m not a friend of the girlfriend, so I never apologized to her nor tell her about this (reasons: concerns for my safety, desire to stop messing on their relationship, didn’t feel like my place to do so when I’m not her partner and the idea that I should bear this pain alone because it’s my consequence). Funny/s. I don’t want to repeat this, never. Now, I’m not feeling good with myself: I discovered all the stuff that I kept under the rug and that are pretty much demons.
I’m on a vicious circle of trying to let go, trying to forgive myself, trying to move on, trying to work on my self-steem issues, then all falling apart because “ey, I did something bad, I don’t deserve to work on myself” and repeat. Add some embarrassment, feeling of being played and anxiety of never having a good relationship (friends or couple) on a future. I can’t concentrate on my studies and I know I should, so add more guilt and anger for losing study time.
I hope that you can help me, really. This ashames to no end and I can’t bring myself to worry my family about this, but they are worried about me and I want to reassured them. That’s why I’m asking for online advice, tough I’m searching a professional counselour too (but I don’t find one with available appointments yet).”