Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I can’t stop trying…

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice I can’t stop trying…

This topic contains 12 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar anonymousse 7 months, 1 week ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 13 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #836395 Reply
    avatar
    Fleur

    Hi Wendy
    My fiancé has a 4 year old son with a woman who he was never in a relationship with. She admitted she hoped that getting pregnant would make him be in a relationship and marry her, but it did the opposite. I met my fiancé when his son was 1, and at that stage, he had an amicable relationship with his sons mother and he was having his son every weekend. As our relationship grew stronger and longer, his time with his son went from the weekends,( to fast forward 2 years), to four hours max a weekend.
    It has been a roller coaster dealing with the confetti of emotions and drama she has thrown our way. About a year ago, she asked him if he would give them a chance and be in a relationship with her. Since my fiancé’s reply, it has been sad and rocky. We have not had his son and not seen or heard from her for 8 months. We have mutual friends, so we know she is still in the country/city. She is pregnant again, due next month. She has stopped the child support payments for the 3rd time.
    On paper, it’s not looking good for my fiancé. One can assume she’s getting her ducks lined up in a row so if it did go to court, it can be seen that no attempt has been made by my fiancé.
    That’s a short version.
    I’ve become steadily annoyed (if that’s what it can be called) at the lack of effort my fiancé has put into sorting this out. He has told me that he does not want to go through the courts and cause distress for his son. He doesn’t want to create drama and even said that I won’t deal with it if she came back into our life because of me not handling it well when she turned sour.
    And here we are now. 8 months later, she hasn’t returned any of his messages. For the first two or so months I would ask if we could make arrangements and get his son for the day, and I would get the same reply. In a nutshell no, she wanted this, she’s done this.
    I said the longer you leave it the harder it will be. He said when his son is old enough, he will find him and they can talk then.
    His birthday is coming up soon, I bought a present for him and said to my fiancé that I wasn’t going to do anything behind his back so was letting him know I’m sending his present to the church they go to. He asked why? I said “because I care about his son and want him to see that we have been trying and staying in contact, and that’s the only way I know how to get in contact with him without involving mutual friends” he said it was a waste of time, she will open it up and throw it away when she sees who it is from.
    It’s none of my business, I know that, and that’s what I’m finding hard to do, to not care.
    Do I send the presents? Do I continue to ask about him? Or do I just keep my nose out of it and bite my tongue?
    I’m sad my fiancé has made his decision to go down this path of not fighting for him.
    I said I don’t care about her, or your anger towards you, I care about the little boy and I miss having him around. My fiancé said he misses him greatly and me talking about it makes it worse… so, do I drop it?

    #836399 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I think the issue is, this is how your fiancé behaves with regard to his child. He’s willing to miss the kid’s childhood. He doesn’t really seem to care about being in his life. He cut way back on spending time with him when you two were getting serious, and now he’s let it go completely.

    He’s also not motivated to do something about a thing that’s extremely important to you.

    That’s a big red flag. You can’t make him be the man and father you want him to be. Assuming this is how it’s going to be, do you want to marry this guy? Or are you hoping he’ll change?

    #836400 Reply
    avatar
    Fleur

    He didn’t cut back the time, his sons mother cut back the time when we started getting more serious. She says jump, we say how high. But that’s beside the point, the issue is what you pointed out, and that is how he is behaving in regards to his son. It does come across like he doesn’t care. At all. and that’s what creates this tornado of emotions.

    I’ve said a number of times, you decided to stick in this with your sons mother knowing how it he came about and what her intentions were. I’ve also said if you don’t want anything to do with your son just be honest and say so. I’d be more okay with that then how I am in this current situation.

    Yes I want to marry him, we all know people rarely change, but he’s been more invested in his son before, I’m positive he can do it again with the right guidance and advice and kick up the arse by someone unbiased and unattached.
    I’m wanting to know if I need to stick my nose out of it as it’s not my business or keep trying. Do I send the presents (which he should be bloody doing!)

    #836401 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    “I’m positive he can do it again with the right guidance and advice and kick up the arse by someone unbiased and unattached.”

    Are you going to wait and make sure that’s true before going through with marriage and possibly kids?

    Sure, send the presents, he didn’t say not to.

    #836402 Reply
    avatar
    Fleur

    you’ve given me some solid food for thought to ponder on tonight

    #836403 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I also have to wonder about his letting this woman control him. If he was never in a relationship with her, why wasn’t he diligently using condoms and making sure they didn’t break or slip off, and if they did, going with her to get Plan B? Why is he continuing to let her control him, and what he can and can’t do with regard to his son?

    #836404 Reply
    bagge72
    bagge72
    Participant

    Your questions really should be if you think you should be marrying this guy, not if you should send the kid a present. The fact that he says that he doesn’t want to drag his kid through this is such a bullshit excuse, I’m sure the kid would rather have a father who fights for him, that one that gave up on him. He should have been fighting for him when the time went down to 4 hours a week. This seems like he thinks this is a burden taken off his chest as he start a new part of his life. I personally wouldn’t marry somebody who wouldn’t fight to see their kid, and was content with not seeing them for another 14-15 years and hope that the kid comes and find them. The is 100% a reflection of his character that you are totally ignoring.

    #836408 Reply
    avatar
    JD
    Member

    Agree. You think he wouldn’t do this to your child? Think again. This isn’t a he might not cheat again. This is giving up his child. All he had to do was go to court. The kid doesn’t get dragged into it he’s too young. The judge would simply enforce a custody agreement. It literally would’ve been one court session, likely even just in his chambers or with a mediator. He is choosing not to because he doesn’t want to. And yep, it’s ammunition for her later. You really should think if you want to marry a man who would abandon his child because that’s what he’s done.

    #836410 Reply
    avatar
    LisforLeslie

    Agree with @bagge – he’s leaving the hard work to a child. “He’ll find me when he wants to” is almost as shitty as walking away and saying “not my problem.”

    This is his child. He slept with this woman, didn’t take any of the needed precautions to not father a child. Now he can’t walk away because “it’s too hard” or complicated.

    This says a lot about his personality. He was irresponsible then, and he’s being irresponsible now and a little child is the one who is going to get hurt.

    #836418 Reply
    avatar
    Ale
    Member

    You should really reconsider marrying someone who just doesn’t care about something like this. It would be the same thing if you had something special to solve in your marriage. He sounds like such a push over. Do you really want to spend your life telling someone wha he has to do? What a waste-

    #836429 Reply
    avatar
    FYI

    “I’m positive he can do it again with the right guidance and advice and kick up the arse by someone unbiased and unattached.”

    Why would you sign up for a lifetime of mothering a grown-ass man? So not sexy.

    Don’t marry someone who needs to be nagged into basic decency. Besides, he doesn’t need “guidance.” He knows what to do; he just doesn’t want to parent his child, period. That’s WRONG. That this is even an option is a bright neon sign telling you that this guy has no character.

    #836468 Reply
    avatar
    Fleur

    Thank you so much to everyone for their honest replies. You all have been helpful. I couldn’t sleep last night knowing that I’ve left my blindfold on to what the real issue is, and it’s not sending the little boy his bday presents and whether or not I should stick my nose out, but it is how my fiancé has dealt with the matter. And how he has dealt with it has trumped his other personality traits that drew me to him. Ill be talking with him tonight about how I feel
    about everything and why. There will be lots of tears, but it’s the right thing to do. Thank you once again xx

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 13 total)
Reply To: I can’t stop trying…
Your information: