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Dear Wendy

I cheated on my boyfriend of 10 years

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  • This topic has 11 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by Laura.
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  • #1100491 Reply

    Dear Wendy, I have been fighting a huge battle in my head for about over a year now. Last year over summer I got extremely drunk and cheated on my boyfriend of 9 years with one of his childhood best friends. Two months later I wanted to end it with him because I couldn’t deal with the guilt, so I cheated again with a different guy and this time I told him. I told him in hopes that he wouldn’t take me back, and now I’m realizing I dug myself an even bigger hole when he forgave me. We live in a small town and ever since last summer I have made the same mistake with his childhood best friend a handful of times when drunk/blacking out. He has a girlfriend of his own and I have absolutely no future intentions with him so I don’t know why it kept happening, I know for a fact he feels the same way too. My boyfriend and I are now on 10 years and he’s been talking a lot about engagement and our future together. I hate myself for ever doing this to him and I don’t know how to approach this. I could never marry him knowing I have done this to him. He’s so good to me and I just don’t know what to do. We hangout with his friends almost every weekend and I just know I would completely destroy his life, I think about the friendships this will destroy and how greatly this will affect him. Please help me, I don’t know what to do ??

    #1100498 Reply

    Hi Tracey. The first thing you need to do is stop getting so drunk. It may be you have a drinking problem. If this is a regular occurrence you need to talk to A.A. or an addiction centre.
    I suspect you are drinking to excess and having random sex with his friends because even before the first cheating, you wanted out. You could not own up to this for some reason and tried to find a way to make him dump you. This has back-fired and you are in a worse mess.
    You need to be honest with yourself and with him. If my ‘guess’ is correct, you need to break up with him. You do not need to tell him about all the subsequent cheating. You said “you could not marry him, because you would feel so guilty.” Thing is he forgave you once ( the time he knows about) and likely is “done with it” in his mind. I just feel you do not want to be with him or marry him period. He may be a great guy and maybe you feel you “should” want to be with him but I do not think you actually do. Be a decent person and break it off. Next time, if you are not happy, solve your issues with talk and honesty and not messing around. Grow up and be more mature.

    #1100499 Reply

    Peggy is pretty dead on.

    The only thing I’ll add is this: You should ask for the things you want. If you want to break up with him, just break up with him. Don’t cheat on him in the hopes that he’ll break up with you. That’s pointlessly mean and causing you more distress than you need.

    The general advice: Break up and drink less.

    #1100501 Reply

    You don’t want to be in a relationship with this guy. The best thing would have been to break it off the first time you cheated. The next best thing now is to break up, work on your alcoholism or binge drinking behavior and see a therapist or counselor if you can who can teach you ways to be more honest and communicative in relationships.

    I do think you’re lying to us when you say you don’t know why it keeps happening. And I know it’s hard to say, “I want to break up,” but you’ve seen what happens when you play around and try to get someone else to do what you NEED to do.

    Do better. Break up with him. There’s a chance he’ll find out, but you can just break up now and deal with that if it happens.

    #1100508 Reply

    You very casually mention that you frequently drink to the point of making bad decisions and blacking out. This is not normal behavior. It sounds like you’re young and hanging out with other heavy drinkers so maybe you’ve lost sight of how big of a problem this is. You are headed down a dark path if you keep drinking like this.

    You should break up with him. You don’t want to be with him. Is he your first boyfriend? It’s hard to end a long term relationship, but do it before he buys a ring!

    #1100521 Reply
    Dear Wendy

    You say you could never marry your boyfriend knowing what you’ve done to him, but I think the truth is you could never marry your boyfriend. Period. You’re looking for justifications for that, and that’s probably part of the reason you’ve cheated – so that you can have a “reason” for moving on when the reason was there all along: you aren’t feeling it anymore. Stop lying to yourself and to him and tell him your heart isn’t in it anymore and you’re reading to move on. He doesn’t need to know about all the cheating. Really. Spare him those details. All that matters here, and all that he needs to know, is that through no one’s fault, your feelings have changed and he is not who you want to spend the rest of your life with and you’re ready to end the relationship.

    #1100528 Reply

    I think some people believe that you can’t/shouldn’t break up with someone unless they’ve done something terrible like cheated or physically abused them. You don’t have have such a terrible reason to break up. As Wendy says, your reason can simply be “I’m not feeling it anymore.”

    You’re hurting this person to make them break up with you. Just stop. Break up with him.

    #1109933 Reply

    You’re not alone wasn’t one of his friends although sometone he knows I didn’t truly realize how over it and ready to move on until it happened and reading this I have to work out my issues and see if I can’t become more independent and aware of my own feelings were 4 months shy of 10 years and at this moment I’m sitting in my driveway after being gone all night without him know where I was at waiting for him to get up to go to work I debated on whether or not waking him up and telling him cuz I can’t deny it I actually have hickey on my neck real nice I don’t want to hide it it’s too late to just break up now I guess go out with the bang and try to learn from it and hope that he can figure out how to move through it for our son I’m completely dependent on him in almost every aspect I lived with him since I was 16 and he moved in with me whenever I was 14 he’s 26 and I’m about to turn 24 and we’re the only people up until now with each other’s been with I didn’t even sleep with the one that I cheated with basically made out fully clothed I don’t feel like it’s going to end good

    #1109938 Reply

    It sounds like you did something pretty deliberately to be able to get out of the relationship. But you’re also continuing to give your boyfriend the control, right? You did something bad enough, you believe, that he’d want to end your relationship and move on. You did this instead of sitting him down and talking to him about why you’re unhappy and what you need in life. Why? What are the reasons that it makes more sense to you to go out and get a hickey and walk in the house with it, than to tell your boyfriend you want to be on your own? Is he abusive? Are you thinking he’s going to hit you and that will allow you to walk? What’s going on here?

    I think you need to be prepared for the strong possibility that this isn’t the end. What then? What if he doesn’t want to let you go, but he does want to keep punishing you for what you did? And it gets worse.

    I don’t know your situation, but don’t you think it would be better to stop playing these games and actually take the steps to become independent? It probably means moving in with family for a time, but that’s okay. Stop playing around and just do it.

    #1110690 Reply

    Okay, you need to be grateful. But probably you have problems with the alcohol and you have issues with your feelings because you do a lot of horrible things, but in some part of you, you think that it’s correct, because he makes something or nothing. Probably you need a psychologist to cause the problem its deeper than engagement

    #1110693 Reply

    it sounds like you feel like you don’t deserve to be happy or have someone love you so you self sabotage your relationship….i think you are being way to hard on yourself….everyone has made mistakes….so many people have gotten drunk or high and slept with someone they shouldn’t have or wouldn’t if they had been sober/straight (including people in relationships)….i think you should consider talking to someone (like a councellor or psychologist) who can help you with your anxiety/low self esteem and get to the route of why you keep sabotaging any chance you can have at a happy relationship with your boyfriend….if on the other hand you truly don’t want to be with him or aren’t ready to be with him that is ok too….please stop beating yourself up about this….you recognize what you did was wrong and that means you can move forward and avoid making the same mistake again

    #1110800 Reply

    You need help for alcoholism – if alcohol is impairing your judgement to the point you’re sleeping with your boyfriend’s best friends and other men then you desperately need help stopping drinking. Not to mention you could be exposing yourself and him to STD’s (some of which are resistant to treatment these days). I would say if you did or if you didn’t use protection you owe your boyfriend the truth so he can get himself checked for STD’s. If you’re so drunk you’re sleeping with other men then there is no way of knowing if you protected yourself – your memory can’t be trusted in such situations. Ask yourself…if you were the one cheated on, wouldn’t you want to know?

    As you move forward with treatment for alcoholism you’ll learn to forgive yourself for your behavior. Maybe at that point you and your boyfriend can reunite? But in the meantime you’re behavior is putting you and him at great risk.

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