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Dear Wendy

I cheated on my boyfriend of 10 years

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  • #1100491 Reply

    Dear Wendy, I have been fighting a huge battle in my head for about over a year now. Last year over summer I got extremely drunk and cheated on my boyfriend of 9 years with one of his childhood best friends. Two months later I wanted to end it with him because I couldn’t deal with the guilt, so I cheated again with a different guy and this time I told him. I told him in hopes that he wouldn’t take me back, and now I’m realizing I dug myself an even bigger hole when he forgave me. We live in a small town and ever since last summer I have made the same mistake with his childhood best friend a handful of times when drunk/blacking out. He has a girlfriend of his own and I have absolutely no future intentions with him so I don’t know why it kept happening, I know for a fact he feels the same way too. My boyfriend and I are now on 10 years and he’s been talking a lot about engagement and our future together. I hate myself for ever doing this to him and I don’t know how to approach this. I could never marry him knowing I have done this to him. He’s so good to me and I just don’t know what to do. We hangout with his friends almost every weekend and I just know I would completely destroy his life, I think about the friendships this will destroy and how greatly this will affect him. Please help me, I don’t know what to do ??

    • This topic was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Dear Wendy.
    #1100498 Reply

    Hi Tracey. The first thing you need to do is stop getting so drunk. It may be you have a drinking problem. If this is a regular occurrence you need to talk to A.A. or an addiction centre.
    I suspect you are drinking to excess and having random sex with his friends because even before the first cheating, you wanted out. You could not own up to this for some reason and tried to find a way to make him dump you. This has back-fired and you are in a worse mess.
    You need to be honest with yourself and with him. If my ‘guess’ is correct, you need to break up with him. You do not need to tell him about all the subsequent cheating. You said “you could not marry him, because you would feel so guilty.” Thing is he forgave you once ( the time he knows about) and likely is “done with it” in his mind. I just feel you do not want to be with him or marry him period. He may be a great guy and maybe you feel you “should” want to be with him but I do not think you actually do. Be a decent person and break it off. Next time, if you are not happy, solve your issues with talk and honesty and not messing around. Grow up and be more mature.

    #1100499 Reply

    Peggy is pretty dead on.

    The only thing I’ll add is this: You should ask for the things you want. If you want to break up with him, just break up with him. Don’t cheat on him in the hopes that he’ll break up with you. That’s pointlessly mean and causing you more distress than you need.

    The general advice: Break up and drink less.

    #1100501 Reply

    You don’t want to be in a relationship with this guy. The best thing would have been to break it off the first time you cheated. The next best thing now is to break up, work on your alcoholism or binge drinking behavior and see a therapist or counselor if you can who can teach you ways to be more honest and communicative in relationships.

    I do think you’re lying to us when you say you don’t know why it keeps happening. And I know it’s hard to say, “I want to break up,” but you’ve seen what happens when you play around and try to get someone else to do what you NEED to do.

    Do better. Break up with him. There’s a chance he’ll find out, but you can just break up now and deal with that if it happens.

    #1100508 Reply

    You very casually mention that you frequently drink to the point of making bad decisions and blacking out. This is not normal behavior. It sounds like you’re young and hanging out with other heavy drinkers so maybe you’ve lost sight of how big of a problem this is. You are headed down a dark path if you keep drinking like this.

    You should break up with him. You don’t want to be with him. Is he your first boyfriend? It’s hard to end a long term relationship, but do it before he buys a ring!

    #1100521 Reply
    Dear Wendy

    You say you could never marry your boyfriend knowing what you’ve done to him, but I think the truth is you could never marry your boyfriend. Period. You’re looking for justifications for that, and that’s probably part of the reason you’ve cheated – so that you can have a “reason” for moving on when the reason was there all along: you aren’t feeling it anymore. Stop lying to yourself and to him and tell him your heart isn’t in it anymore and you’re reading to move on. He doesn’t need to know about all the cheating. Really. Spare him those details. All that matters here, and all that he needs to know, is that through no one’s fault, your feelings have changed and he is not who you want to spend the rest of your life with and you’re ready to end the relationship.

    #1100528 Reply

    I think some people believe that you can’t/shouldn’t break up with someone unless they’ve done something terrible like cheated or physically abused them. You don’t have have such a terrible reason to break up. As Wendy says, your reason can simply be “I’m not feeling it anymore.”

    You’re hurting this person to make them break up with you. Just stop. Break up with him.

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