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I cheated on my husband

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  • #1112705 Reply

    Hi everyone, I’m Carlota and I’ve been married for a year now. And I need advice. Long story short. I cheated on my husband.

    My husband ‘Tony’ and I have been together for one year before getting married. We started dating in early 2020 and got married in 2021 around April in a small ceremony. My parents relationship with my parents was never good, but after meeting him and marrying him, I’ve been pretty much cut out of the family. Tony and I have had a pretty complicated relationship and I feel like I don’t love him anymore or I’m not in love with the man he revealed himself to be. We basically met at a bar after a night of heavy drinking and my self-esteem and mental health issues were at it’s lowest point and I don’t think I’ll be able to pick it back up. I was already in a troubled relationship with my parents, they were both very narcissistic people and it made it difficult to feel love and support from them, I was never able to get help when I was depressed or anxious and it only got worse up until 2020 (especially with covid-19). Upon meeting Tony, I had poured my heart out to him and cried the whole night and I think we ‘connected’ from then on. He got my number after that night and we started meeting up until we were officially dating around two months later. Throughout the start of our relationship he’d comfort me and helped me distance myself from my parents which at the time I wanted, he was basically my universe and the only person I would spend time with. He pretty much made me cut off contact with all my friends, convincing me they were part of the reason why my mental health was deteriorating and I’d feel better once I realized they weren’t good for me. At that time, I didn’t notice what he was doing. It just felt good to have someone care and look after me, someone who was worried about me and promised me I would get better. I didn’t go to therapy at that time (now I do) since I was convinced that therapy wouldn’t work and it just wasn’t for me. He felt like the only person I could rely on, I think I managed to brainwash myself into thinking he was the one for me and the only one I could trust considering how I never really had that sort of feeling with my parents.

    Anyways, fast forward to 2021, he proposed to me and I agreed. Any doubts I had about him, he managed to make me forget them by actions like showering me with affection or gifts which I never got so of course, I swallowed all of it. Our marriage was a small ceremony that was only attended by the priest and his two close friends. I didn’t think much about this. But from that moment I said ‘I do’ up and till now, I realized I made a mistake. That I didn’t love him. Around October 2021, I was extremely depressed and I was ready to off myself. So I decided to secretly get therapy which made me realize that there was something off about him. I was cut off from everybody, friends, family. I forgot to mention, I’m a student and I have a part-time job, I never really interacted with my co-workers because I figured they don’t mean anything to me so once I go to my classes or work, I do my thing and head out immediately. I managed to lie about how long I was working for while I went to therapy. I guess after seeing a therapist for a while she made me realize that the relationship I had with Tony wasn’t normal. I felt trapped, I didn’t understand how to be around him, what would make him happy, everything just felt so difficult and extremely overwhelming. I’d have constant panic attacks and it just became unbearable being around him, I was suffocating.

    After being in therapy for a while I learned to open up to people and began building relationships with part-time workers at my job. I became close to one part time worker, ‘Dylan’, he’s around my age and very much single. As we got closer, I began to see my boyfriend in a different light and I enjoyed being around Dylan much more and I would look forward to going to work. I do have to add, in contrast to my boyfriend Dylan was a genuinely nice and caring person which had me suspicious at first and he wasn’t feeding me misinformation about people or my emotions. Soon after, we started hanging out more outside of our work as friends and I didn’t tell Tony about it since I knew he’d find a way to end our friendship and I didn’t want that it felt nice to have a friend and talk to someone who wasn’t him. Even after befriend Dylan, I began to meet more people and slowly having a more social life, which I noticed wasn’t please Tony. But, basically, I ended up liking Dylan more than I realized and we ended up kissing once and it escalating into more and I hate myself for letting that happen because I know I could’ve stopped it.

    This is where things get more complicated around May-June, I found the courage to reveal to Tony that I was unhappy with our relationship and I came into this relationship not knowing what I wanted, in an unhealthy mindset and I was immature. I didn’t mention Dylan. But he did not take this well, he disagreed and pretty much didn’t agree. What he proceeded to do after that made me feel even more confused and hopeless. He threatened to kill himself if I brought up leaving him or divorcing him. I don’t want to stop seeing Dylan and he assured me he’d wait for me while I sorted things out with Tony and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to escape from this relationship. I know I’m a horrible person for cheating on him and I can’t forgive myself, I’m even scared of what Tony might do to himself if he finds out. I know it sounds like I’m blaming him for me being miserable and I know everything is my fault but how do I get out of this relationship. I don’t know how long I can last being with him and I don’t want this make me sound like a victim. I just think it would be best for both Tony and I to end it because I can’t continue hurting him. How do I leave this relationship even though I’ve already done so much damage?

    #1112707 Reply

    You need to take more responsibility for the actions and decisions you make. You choose what you do, who you marry and date and see. Don’t rewrite your story so passively that everything becomes someone else’s fault. You chose, you said yes. You chose to see Dylan and start an inappropriate relationship with him, given that you’re married. It’s not all your fault, but you can make better choices in the future.

    Therapy is good and I’m glad you’re doing that. Your therapist should be able to help you make a plan to safely leave Tony. Call 911 if he is seriously threatening himself. Does he have guns or weapons? Be careful. Good luck. Don’t be too hard on yourself but try to do better next time. That’s all any of us can do.

    #1112708 Reply

    All of Tony’s actions read ‘classic abuser’. Things will only get much worse if you stay with him. Anonymousse is correct, you have to be careful to protect your safety before/while leaving him. Nothing with Dylan until you are safely away from Tony. He sounds very dangerous and will be far more so if he learns about Dylan. Doesn’t hurt to call 911 and call his bluff if he threatens suicide, but know that this isn’t threatening himself, it’s just another form of manipulating and threatening you. If he is committed for a 48- or 72-hr psych eval, that is a chance to escape. You can’t call 911 and then back off when they respond. Tony will be beyond pissed that you called — it shows rebellion against his control of you and puts him on the official radar in a way he doesn’t want to be. If you fear you’ll backdown after you call 911 in response to a suicide threat, then don’t call.

    #1112709 Reply

    I think Ron is spot on. All of Tony’s behavior is classic abuser behavior – love bombing, isolation, manipulation. Please discuss this openly with your therapist and contact domestic violence services for help on how to leave. They have a lot of really good advice for how to safely move your most important things out, when and how to contact emergency services and can put you in touch with other services if you need financial support.

    Dylan is unimportant. He’s a distraction. Maybe it’s real, maybe it’s not. You need to get out of your marriage safely first.

    #1112720 Reply

    The cheating is really a tiny part of this.
    You’re in an abusive relationship and things will go much better for you if you get out. There are resources on how to go about doing this as safely as you can.

    Regarding Dylan, don’t rush into things with him. That’s how you got into your current situation.

    #1112721 Reply

    Yeah, you’re in an abusive marriage and the important thing is to get out safely. Visit http://www.thehotline.org, contact women’s advocacy services and shelters in your area, and make a plan with them to escape safely. Ron is right about calling 911 and sticking to it, it’s not your job to guess how sincere someone’s suicide threat is, that is for professionals to figure out. He’s manipulating you with the threat in the first place and that alone is a reason to leave. The affair was a bad decision that has put you and your affair partner at higher risk of violence from your abuser, so stop engaging with him until you’re out. Continue therapy.

    #1112730 Reply

    Dude is manipulating you. Please leave and get safe.

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