Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I cheated on my husband and I need help in figuring out how to fix things.

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice I cheated on my husband and I need help in figuring out how to fix things.

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  • #851637 Reply

    Hello.. I cheated on my husband of 4 years this week.. I’m not proud of it, in fact I’m disgusted in myself.. I was messaging an ex from 8 years ago on snapchat. At first it was normal catching up and occasionally comments on pictures of my kids. Wednesday, he hinted at nudes and was being flirty. I entertained it for a moment then shut him down. (This is when I should have blocked him and told my husband but i didn’t.) Thursday, (according to my husbands detective work by downloading my snapchat data history,) I started the conversation with a pic. As hard as this is to believe, I don’t recall starting the convo that day since I hadn’t the whole week him and I had been talking. But I did.

    I’m not even sure how we started talking dirty. And I’m not very good at it anyways so I was repeating everything he said just in a different way or in a question. Then I sent him a nude photo of me in the mirror. I don’t understand why i would do something like this.. i have seen a Therapist, but it’s only been one session so I haven’t gotten much response from myself. I love my husband. We have 3 kids. I’ve never cheated on him before nor thought about anyone else like that.

    I just wanted to die after I sent it.. I got instant regret and got sick to my stomach. I called my best friend afterwards and she kept telling me to tell him but I was scared so I didn’t say anything then the next morning (friday, yesterday) my husband confronted me. I lied at first but then I told him everything. Every detail I could remember cause I didn’t save anything.

    Now he is broken.. he keeps going back and forth on leaving me or staying with me.. and I don’t blame him.. we both see what I did as cheating. I broke his trust and I’m f**ked up for that.

    How do I heal my marriage? I don’t even understand why I did what I did. How do I help him? How do it fix this!?

    Please help me!

    #851639 Reply

    Two things:
    1. One dirty pic exchange is a betrayal, sure, but rarely a marriage-ending offense. Your husband’s reaction makes me worry about controlling behavior. He downloaded your Snapchat history?? That’s not okay. At the very least, stop catastrophizing your actions here, and don’t let him do it either – you didn’t murder anyone, and you barely cheated. You are not “fucked up” and he isn’t “broken.” You just made a mistake and he’s just hurt.

    2. Your dissociation from the event is troubling. You made this choice for a reason, but it sounds like you’re trying really hard to block that reason out of your mind, to the point that you don’t remember basic facts. The more quickly you can work out why you started sexting with the ex, the quicker you’ll know what you need and what your marriage needs.

    If you haven’t followed Esther Perel, look her up ASAP. She has a great ted talk and podcast about infidelity that really helped me understand it better. People cheat for so many different reasons, and there’s plenty to unpack in therapy. Good luck!

    #851641 Reply

    Oh good God all this drama and it was a nudie picture? I agree. Your husband’s reaction is very much over the top. And sounds… controlling.
    That said — you need to take ownership for what you did. This whole I don’t remember texting him first. I can believe I even sent that pic rings kinda hollow and false. It’s bullshit. Stop playing dumb. You know why you sent it. It wasn’t fucking random. It was fun! You were flirting! Its not like you were possessed by a sex crazed demon. These were your actions. Own them.

    #851644 Reply

    Jesus, see a marriage counselor together and keep up with the individual therapy.

    #851659 Reply

    I’m going to offer a different take on this, mostly because I think the only reason you started this topic was in hopes your husband would snoop again, find this and start to believe the bullshit your feeding him about “not remembering” You knew what you were doing, and I have no doubt it was your plan from the get go. If it wasnt why use snapchat of all social media to communicate with an ex? Why not fb, skype, instagram ect. My guess is because snapchat is the only website that deletes your message right after you send it and like every other cheater who uses that website you thought you would never get caught by going thay route. If you truly want to save your marriage you need to stop with the lies and be honest with your husband.

    #851662 Reply

    I agree you knew what you were doing. I’ve done sketchy bullshit before in relationships and I felt bad about it but I knew what I was doing.

    #851766 Reply

    yes, there is a lot a exageration here. I would start with an apology and a declaration that you made a fault, you regret it and you really want to work with your husband on your marriage. Then see together a couple therapist.
    I disagree with this urge to “tell him anything”, as if it exonerates you of everything. Own the breach of trust, apologise sincerely and discuss the state of your marriage with your husband. Don’t asnwer to his threats of divorce: let him cool off and see the reality of divorce.
    At the end of the day, once you have expressed both your frustration and analysed what is wrong in your marriage, you both must be able to put it behind you and move forward.

    #851841 Reply

    You knew what you were doing. It sounds dishonest to pretend you didn’t.

    What were you getting out of this exchange? You were definitely getting something. Was it the excitement of something new? Was it attention?

    You need to not only apologize to your husband but discuss what is missing in your relationship. What’s going wrong? Why were you so interested in doing this?

    Don’t assume your husband will suddenly trust you again. Trust is a hard thing. Once it is gone it is hard to get it back.

    Get counseling together. You both need to work on the marriage or it is over.

    #851843 Reply

    Therapy both for you individually and both as a couple. What you did was a major breach of trust, and your husband is likely wondering whether you are lying about the extent of the contact and if this is the first time. There is no magic bullet to go back, just a long road of apologies and working to get better. Stay in counselling and pick up some books on infidelity. Kate is right in that the whole “I have no idea why I did that” line is garbage. Something is amiss, either with you, your husband, or both.

    Also, why did your husband have access to your phone and Snapchat? Was going through your phone a one time thing, possibly justified by your sketchy behavior, or something he has always done? Rifling through a spouse’s data and messages is a big red flag of abuse, but in this case you were sending nudes to an ex so it’s important to know whether he was driven to behavior he normally would never engage in or if he’s controlling. If he has always done that, or is controlling or abusive in other ways, you have major problems.

    #851856 Reply

    Couples and individual therapy – hells yes.

    As soon as the conversation turned flirty you had a choice: Ignore, call out as inappropriate, end and block or keep going. This guy is not a remote hypnotist, you made a deliberate choice.

    If your husband is so freaking controlling that he’d end the marriage over a single naked photo, then that might be for the best. But if this is the last straw in a pile of hay… then this might be for the best.

    Were any of those messages critical of your husband?

    #851858 Reply

    I agree that saying you don’t know how this happened is just…not true. You made choices and continued the conversation and actively took nudes to send him. This didn’t just happen.

    You need to own that. Maybe you did it purely for the attention. Maybe you’re bored or not feeling fulfilled in your marriage. You need to work with your therapist and do some deep thinking about why you did this.

    I agree that I don’t necessarily think this has to be marriage ending, but that is literally the risk you chose to take. You put your family, your marriage on the line to flirt with an ex? Why?

    #851928 Reply

    thats EXACTLYYY what I had thought as well. :p

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