Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I do not like my friend anymore.

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice I do not like my friend anymore.

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  • #1032089 Reply
    avatarLillian
    Guest

    Hey there,

    I have been friends and roommates with this girl for a few years now. However, I’m starting to realize that I no longer enjoy her company. Here are a few reasons why:

    1) She implies that my university major is less competitive/hard because I’m a liberal arts major and she’s a STEM major. I’ve noticed she talks down to me as a result. For the record, I am in an honors program at a reputable university in Canada. Also, I’m taking some of the same courses that she did, and I’m doing pretty well, thanks.
    2) She was an extremely coddled child, and is a coddled adult. She got the summer job she has because her mother is the manager at the company. She talks a big game about taxes, bills, etc. but when you ask her what they cost, she has no idea because, “Oh, my mom and dad pay/do them for me.” Her parents pay for everything. One time, they even came over to our house, and made her bed and cleaned her room. She’s 22.
    3) She is a lazy roommate. I always end up doing her chores or cleaning up her dirty dishes. We have rules in our house that she does not follow. For example, everyone in our house follows a 24-hour dish rule where we need to clean up our dishes within a day. Recently, she’s begun leaving them out for more than that. We all have one allotted chore a week, and we have the whole week (Sunday-Sunday) to do them. It takes her longer to do them, and won’t do them unless we ask several times. Her excuse is that she “got caught up with school.” I am having a hard time sympathizing with this because I also have a heavy workload, I work part time, and I’m in clubs. She only has school and doesn’t do anything else.
    4) I am constantly picking up after her and doing her chores. Sometimes I remind her, but it doesn’t seem to work/she seems resentful. For example, her parents wanted to tour our new house, so I suggested that we make a group effort to clean. Well, she didn’t do a damned thing. I cleaned all the common areas, and she seemed to resent that I asked her to do her dishes that had been sitting out for 3 days an hour before her parents were supposed to arrive.

    Yesterday was the last straw for me. I asked her to take out the garbage FOUR TIMES and she had not done it by 9:30PM. So I did it, and yes I started acting passive aggressive because I’ve had enough. Then, she sent an angry message to me in our roommate groupchat telling me to “have some patience with her.” I’m not sure why she didn’t text me directly or approach me in person, which would have been more appropriate instead of sending it in the groupchat. So I apologized for getting frustrated, but I told her that I’m upset with the chores, that I asked her four times to do it, and it was getting late so I did it because the garbage was overflowing. The infuriating thing is that she walked past the garbage (THAT SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE OUT) several times yesterday.

    Do I have a right to be angry? I am graduating soon, would it make me a bad person if I did not keep in touch with her?

    #1032091 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    You don’t have to be friends with anyone who doesn’t add to your life. She sounds exhausting and selfish.

    Garbage is not a patience chore, garbage is stinky and attracts pests. The best college room mate I ever had was because we had the same attitude towards the room: neither of us should have to deal with the other’s crap. We kept the room tidy as a measure of respect for one another. The rule was suspended during mid-terms and finals and then after the last exam, we both cleaned everything up.

    #1032095 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    “I always end up doing her chores or cleaning up her dirty dishes.”

    Don’t do stuff like this anymore.

    #1032096 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    The thing is, she manipulates you. She knows you’ll do her chores for her. She got you to apologize to her by calling you out in the group chat. She has you trained. I am just pointing this out because you want to avoid it in the future with roommates, partners, co-workers, even pets (I have had 3 Jack Russells and they train you to cater to their weird whims, like getting out of bed to chase them just because they feel like playing chase). If you never pick up someone’s slack unless they specifically ask you for a favor, and it’s reciprocal, you can better avoid people taking advantage of you.

    Anyway, you’re graduating soon, this problem will be solved, feel free to not stay in touch unless you think you could enjoy her friendship if you didn’t live together.

    #1032098 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Like with the garbage, it’s her assigned chore and she’s accountable to the whole house, not just you. Instead of doing it for her, let the other housemates give her shit about it. Same with the dishes since there’s a house rule.

    With her parents coming over, if she’s not cleaning, eff it. Let her parents see the messy house and the chore chart.

    #1032100 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Why on earth are you cleaning up after her and doing her chores? Stop doing the work for her. That’s why she doesn’t do it, because she knows if she just waits and it gets gross enough, you will. The bizarre 24 hours rule…why? That just gives everyone an excuse to delay and not do it. You all should just clean up after yourselves as you cook and dirty dishes.

    I get the inclination to clean it up yourself, I’m a neat freak. Living with other people in college was the worst for me. So congratulations on graduating and soon being done with this roommate, at least. My advice is to be clear in the beginning if you need to cohabitate with roommates again. I found better roommates when I looked for people with the same lifestyle and habits.

    But back to your situation, why did you think you needed to clean your entire apartment because HER parents were coming? I just cannot understand why you would do that. No one asked you to. It wasn’t necessary at all for you to do that. Don’t become a martyr.

    It is annoying to see someone flit through life without apparently being responsible for anything, and have everything supplied to them… but that’s not any of your problem or your business. She’s going to either have a rude awakening or will continue her life being coddled. It’s not worth the energy to compare your life to hers. If she’s rude to you about school, call her out if it bothers you. Tell she’s being rude and you don’t like it.

    #1032104 Reply
    avatarCopa
    Participant

    Do you have a right to be angry? You are entitled to your emotions and people can’t usually help how they feel. So if you’re angry, that’s fine, that’s how you feel. You should be mindful of how you react to your feelings, though. Instead of being passive aggressive, nagging her to do her chores, or doing them for her, have you ever tried talking to her about it calmly and directly? Cause honestly, some of your frustration seems to be brought on by your own behavior because you’re allowing the cycle that frustrates you to perpetuate.

    That said, you are never obligated to stay friends with anyone you dislike. You are not a bad person if you choose not to keep in touch with this woman. Not all friendships last forever and that’s okay.

    Lastly, you seem pretty resentful of this woman because you perceive her life to be far easier. It’s none of your business what her parents do for her, and why on earth are you asking her how much she pays for stuff? That’s really rude. Trust me, your energy is better spent focusing on yourself than anyone else.

    In college, one of my roommates sounded a bit like yours without all this weird drama. Wealthy parents who bankrolled her lifestyle (still do and we’re in our 30s), always frazzled and, like, at her stress threshold despite seemingly having not much going on except school. I found out a few years ago that in college she was basically debilitatingly anxious from the pressure she felt to succeed academically and had to seek pretty significant mental health counseling. All this to say, you may truly have no idea what’s going on with people and there may be more to your roommate’s life than meets the eye.

    #1032106 Reply
    avatarAnge
    Guest

    Man I do not miss the days of house mates.

    You definitely need to stop cleaning for her and if the rest of the house is doing their chores there needs to be a house wide come to Jesus meeting with her. If it doesn’t work just be thankful you’re nearly done with her, you definitely don’t need to stay friends with her afterwards.

    #1032109 Reply
    avatarLillian
    Guest

    Hi Copa,

    I should clarify that I ask her what she pays on certain insurance premiums. This is because I have to do my own research on insurance policies I pay for. She usually offers me advice by telling me what policies are on her insurance premiums. Additionally, some premiums under some companies are more affordable than others. If I’m interested, I ask out of curiosity. She doesn’t know because her parents pay it. I don’t see my asking as rude at all, particularly since she tells me about them.

    I am resentful of her lifestyle because I have wealthy parents, but they did not spoil me as a child. I am very independent as a result. She is not, hence I think her parents enabled her to have the habits she does.

    #1032112 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Oh, so her behavior is not her fault, it’s her parent’s? She literally had zero control over how she was raised vs. how you were.

    Her not knowing what her parents pay for her insurance isn’t strange. Most 22 year olds probably don’t know about most of that. That’s not her fault, either.

    You need to stop comparing her life to yours. You aren’t a superior person because you know what insurance costs and get agitated about chores. It seems like you spend a lot of your energy thinking about her, resenting her, judging her and it makes you look petty and immature. Hate her by all means, but stop looking for reasons to think she’s somehow a bad person for being a privileged child.

    #1032115 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Interesting that she knows what she’s covered for though. That seems pretty savvy. Which, overall, it seems like she is – savvy and clever. That said, you don’t have to do her bidding or pick up her slack or let her make you feel bad about yourself. I would say deal with your own particular issues in therapy and move on from friends like this if you need to.

    #1032116 Reply
    avatarCopa
    Participant

    I am resentful of her lifestyle because I have wealthy parents, but they did not spoil me as a child. I am very independent as a result. She is not, hence I think her parents enabled her to have the habits she does.

    Sounds more like you resent your parents for not spoiling you and are misdirecting this at a friend. But like everyone pointed out, you’re actively participating in the dynamic you dislike.

    And listen, I kinda get it. I remember sometimes feeling jealous of the roommate I mentioned in college because her life seemed easier. I was always working, scrimping, and saving while she sat back and received. But like I mentioned, she was dealing with her own shit. Not to mention, becoming fiercely independent at a younger age really worked well for me. It’s come in very handy as I navigate my career. She and I finished grad school at about the same time and we both ended up briefly moving home to our parents’ houses in the same town. I saw her a lot around this time and when it hit me how aimless she was (her mom had to send her job openings and nag her to apply), I realized her life was actually not at all anything I envied or wanted for myself. I could’ve realized this sooner if I’d never wasted any energy comparing myself to anyone else.

    ETA: Therapy may be very helpful for you to learn how to flip the script inside your head.

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks, 1 day ago by avatarCopa.
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