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Dear Wendy

I don’t know how to tell if i love him or not!

Home Forums Advice & Chat I don’t know how to tell if i love him or not!

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  • #1103537 Reply

    I’m not the best at deciphering my own feelings, but until now, I’ve gotten along pretty well. Okay. Several months ago, I developed this crush on my now boyfriend. I got nervous around him, and all of the usual normal crush symptoms.My feelings grew deeper as I talked to him more and more, and at that point, I think I told myself it was love. So he asked me out eventually, and I was so happy. But, a month later, those warm fuzzy feelings I got for him are gone. There is nothing left, and now I’m wondering if I never loved him, if it was only an infatuation that ended because I got him. Is this normal for all couples to feel this after only a month of dating, or is it just me? I’ve never been so confused. Is something in me broken? I mean, I’ve had several relationships before my current boyfriend, and I was never like this. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and it can’t be my boyfriend. He’s amazing. He’s kind and says a lot of sweet things and genuinely cares for me. Sometimes, though, I get really irritated or annoyed with him for little reasons, and I don’t really feel bad about that after i’m done being irritated. He’s so sweet, and this is how i repay him? How can i tell if what i’m feeling for him is truly love or something else?

    #1103555 Reply

    No, it’s not normal to lose interest in someone you love after a month. He may be sweet and all of that, but he apparently isn’t the guy for you. Why would you think something is broken in you if you’ve had prior bfs and this is the first time this has happened? And no, you don’t love him. This was just a brief infatuation, which has run its course. Time to MOA.

    #1103581 Reply

    For most people, the butterflies subside. In a meaningful relationship, those feelings are replaced with something more substantial and comforting.

    Don’t get addicted to the butterflies. Don’t go chasing after them because they will always fade. That’s not a bad thing, you want them to fade into something more meaningful.

    So yeah, it sounds like you were in love with the feeling or the newness, or the conquering of your crush.

    #1103596 Reply
    Lee Gale

    “How can i tell if what i’m feeling for him is truly love or something else?”

    I have struggled with intrusive thoughts, and to make matters murkier I don’t always experience emotions the same way other people do. For me, that meant I had no way of truly “knowing” if I was “in love” once the honeymoon phased ended and the giddy feelings subsided. It bothered me a lot – what if I was trapping my partner in a loveless relationship under false pretense? Was I some horrible person who didn’t reciprocate even though he was very deserving of love and all good things?

    I don’t know if that is what is happening to you. You said you never experienced this before, but then again I didn’t experience this in every relationship either. Maybe you fell out of love (or were never in it), maybe you didn’t. Either is possible. It is normal for those high feelings to fade, and it is normal to be irritated at your partner at times (love is not a magical cure for minor annoyances).

    For me, I had to stop obsessing over the inner question of “IS IT TRUE LOVE” or not. Instead, I learned to ask myself – Do I want to be here? Do I enjoy being here? Are we both here voluntarily, with mutual consent, of our own accord? If I removed all personal doubts about love, would this be a pleasant experience that I want to remain in? Those questions were easier for me to answer than trying to define and prove something as nebulous as love. I also benefited from reminding myself that my partner was a whole person with full agency to leave if they felt the relationship wasn’t reciprocal or fair or enjoyable. I had to stop making it about “love” and make it more about the experience, which ironically, is what love is all about.

    Funny enough, if you ask me now, I know beyond a shred of any doubt that what I feel is love, and I experience it with all the warmth and happiness that others describe. But it is very different from that initial rush, and was hard for me to understand at first. I guess the question to ask yourself is, if you stopped worrying about this, what’s left? Are you still enjoying your mutual time with another person in the context of being in a relationship together? Or is it more of a drag?

    #1103598 Reply

    Great post LeGale. I will say that in my personal experience, the butterflies lasted for a lot more than a month, but everyone is different.

    #1103613 Reply

    I think you thought he was amazing but now that you know him better and spend more time with him, he’s annoying and you don’t actually like him all that much. Nothing has to be wrong with him as a person for you not to like him. It’s okay to just break up and move on even if nothing is fundamentally wrong other than he annoys the shit out of you often. You never need a reason to breakup with someone, but finding him incredibly irritating is a pretty good one.

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