Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I don’t know what to do

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  • #877757 Reply

    Hello ladies,

    This is a long shot but I find myself in a confusing position and don’t quite know where to turn.

    My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married 3. Sex has always been a little bit of an issue as he is not the most sexual individual. Neither am I, however I def require it more than him in order to fulfill my need of feeling intimacy with my partner. We’ve talked so often about it, and he has promised so many times that he’d try… and don’t get me wrong. He does try, he is a great individual all around, takes care of me (in a very pragmatic way: cleaning the house, driving me around, making himself available to me) but when it comes to sex it’s like… something just doesn’t connect. Additionally, I feel like it’s been getting worse and worse. So I don’t even want to talk about it anymore as usually I would be upset, he’d inquire and we’d come with some sort of understanding… which never translated in real life. I feel like going through this may have put so much more pressure on the issue that at this point neither him or me are confident enough to make a move anymore. Initially, it was mostly me initiating but as the time went by I started feeling the need of him being the one stepping forward, so I can feel wanted… but that never really came. We’re def best friends, we get along so well and love each other dearly. We’re expecting our first child… but haven’t been intimate since conception… (and I’m halfway through). At this point I’ll get sad about it, cry and he’ll know exactly why but other than telling me he loves me and he’ll try doesn’t really know what and how to do. I have attempted to give him pragmatic clues like: you know just prepare a romantic setting, or surprise me with X. But he doesn’t seem to connect the dots. He talked to out doctor about his lack of libido, but other than telling him to try viagra, she ddnt help much. And the trouble is def not ..ermm.. getting up. Lol
    Sooo, I was wondering if any of you had any advice?

    Thank you!

    #877769 Reply

    Okay, first of all you need to communicate with him about what you want. Stop with the “pragmatic clues” and be direct about what you need or want.

    Having a baby on top of this is going to really complicate the marital issues you have. You need to treat this seriously STAT. Throw away the thought of sparing feelings or whatever it is that is holding you back from not telling him exactly what you’re upset about, etc. You are not acting like best friends or good partners if you’re not being honest and open with each other.

    But to me the solution is very obvious- couples counseling! This is an emergency situation where you need to go to therapy together and figure out WTF is going on with your sex life and poor communication abilities. Do this now, while you have a few months to get on a good path to fixing your issues before a tiny, helpless, completely dependent newborn is needing both of you to work together 24/7 to care for it.

    #877933 Reply

    I get the sense that this issue is not because he doesn’t love you. It seems like there is something deep-rooted going on. I would recommend a licensed sex-therapist and/or a couples therapist if he is willing. Remember that the biggest turn-on you can give him is being a confident wife. Own your sexuality and rock your pregnancy. This is your body and you should be proud of all it can do.

    #877938 Reply
    avatarSea Witch

    Viagra doesn’t do anything for libido, it’s for erectile dysfunction – in other words for men who have the desire but not the physical ability to act on it.
    Maybe he’s just asexual, but a full medical checkup might be in order to rule out low thyroid or low testosterone.

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