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Dear Wendy

I don't know why I'm confused, but I am

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This topic contains 14 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar Moe 2 months, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #788293 Reply


    So about two weeks ago I broke it off with this guy I had been seeing for a few months. He is very career focused, which is admirable, but he wasn’t able to commit to being exclusive because he wasn’t able to give much more of his time and felt that I should date other people if I wanted. So I told him that I couldn’t see him anymore. He was upset and wanted to remain friends, but I told him I needed some time to emotionally detach. I told him if things settled down at work to look me up. Now, two weeks later, he sent me a text out of nowhere asking how my week was going. We exchanged four text messages and then he stopped responding. Being a bit confused, I told him I was surprised by his text and basically asked him why he had reached out. He said he was just wondering how I was doing. I’ve been exchanging some texts with him, but generally I feel confused. I know I am making a bigger deal out of it than I should, but I just feel a bit weird and confused. It sounds like work is still stressful for him, and I do appreciate that he was thinking of me and reached out. I think it’s stirring up hope even though things haven’t changed at work for him. The most recent text exchange was a comment about how a movie he had wanted to see got good reviews, and he told me that he had seen it and I should check it out. I guess I can’t figure out what I want to do about it. I’ve never been in this position, usually once something ends no one reaches out, especially the guy (for me anyway). Just looking for some guidance/thoughts. I’m definitely making too big a deal out of it and he was just reaching out to see how I was and that’s it, but to me it feels odd based on the past relationship and how I ended things.

    #788297 Reply

    Hi-Too bad he is so busy-then again if it was really important to him,he would have done more to give you his time. He reached out because He feels guilty or BAD AND WANTS YOU TO “be okay”. Or he also misses you,has some vague hope etc.But really,he is not offering you a solution/more time etc.
    I think you could get sucked back in to either seeing him only on his time/terms or just texting and talking which would keep you attached/in limbo,but with no realistic chance of any relationship. You need a guy that is all in. Tell him you wish him well and need to move forward,so you don’t plan to keep in touch. Then don’t reply to any texts,unless he indicates a serious change of heart with actions to go with it.

    #788300 Reply

    He doesn’t want to be exclusive but enjoys your company—that is all there is to him reaching out. You wanted more and it’s perfectly fine if being in contact with him feels weird or crappy. He isn’t going to be less busy at work until he meets someone who he finds interesting enough to make dating her a priority. I would recommend blocking him.

    #788301 Reply

    Hi Sunflower -I think if he was more interested he would have “found the time”. He would have found a way,so as not to lose you. The text now, is likely because he feels a bit guilty and wants to “be sure you are okay”-or he”misses” you because the other dates were not working out. It is safe to assume that any engagement from him really means nothing unless he suddenly says he wants to make you a priority etc.. Sorry. I would tell him that you wish him well but are moving on and will not be replying to any more contact.

    #788306 Reply

    He was just feeling you out to try to eat laid. Obvious. Ignore.

    #788316 Reply

    By “confused,” I think you mean “I’m hoping y’all will tell me that his text messages mean he’s changed his mind and he wants to be exclusive with me.”

    If you want to get back with him, just tell him. I’m not sure what’s changed, though. You broke up with him because he wasn’t willing to be exclusive. If he’d had a change of heart, he would have told you right up front.

    My guess is that JD is right and he’s wondering if you’d be up for a no-strings arrangement.

    #788328 Reply

    Yeah, what the others said. This is very common.

    “he wasn’t able to give much more of his time and felt that I should date other people if I wanted.”

    He told you he can’t offer you a committed relationship. Full stop. That’s what you need to listen to.

    “So I told him that I couldn’t see him anymore. He was upset and wanted to remain friends”

    He told you he’d like to stay friends. Meaning he enjoys the occasional companionship/sex but does not want a relationship.

    So then he reaches out with completely friend-y texts. This is consistent with what he told you. He’d like to be casual friends, maybe hook up. Nothing has changed. If he’d changed his mind, he’d 100% tell you that. It’s cliched AF but he wasn’t that into you. If he was, he’d definitely have made the time.

    I would recommend you stop responding.

    #788353 Reply

    This is very textbook. He wasn’t “too busy” for a relationship. He didn’t want a relationship, at all or with you (not sure which), so he gave you that excuse. He’s reaching out because he wants to start up your casual relationship again. I don’t know if he’s purposely trying to make you thing he’s changed his mind, or if he just doesn’t care. But he doesn’t want more than sex.

    #788363 Reply

    He is just keeping his foot in the door. He made it clear he didn’t want to commit to going inside with you… but he will just hang out in front of the door essentially taking up space and blocking you from giving another guy a fair shake. Maybe it will lead to sex with minimal effort on his part. One can only hope.
    Shut the door. Block him. And genuinely move on to find someone willing to have the type of relationship you want.

    #788403 Reply

    Block him, and don’t give him any more mental real estate.

    If he had respected your needing time to detach he would’ve waited till you contacted him, he’s hoping to weasel himself into a more casual relationship with you. Something you’ve already told him you don’t want. He doesn’t respect your boundaries so he’s obviously not capable of being a friend.

    Block him.

    #788409 Reply

    How is he not respecting her boundaries. She said she wanted to be friends and he’s being friendly. She just wants it to mean something it doesn’t.

    #788423 Reply


    HE said he wanted to be friends and she said no; that she needed space and to contact her if he was available for the type of relationship she was looking for.

    “So I told him that I couldn’t see him anymore. He was upset and wanted to remain friends, but I told him I needed some time to emotionally detach. I told him if things settled down at work to look me up.”

    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by CurlyQue CurlyQue.
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