Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I don’t want to take my fiances name…

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Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 34 total)
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  • #875821 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    Everything MissMJ said. I’m in a similar boat. Kept my last name. I’m ok is someone calls me by his because his is 4 letters easy and mine is 11 letters hard.

    Maybe this name thing is a catalyst for a bigger problem?

    The obvious answer is nobody change.

    #875822 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    I don’t see where it says that he’s insisting she take his name — just that he doesn’t want to change his name to the mashed-up name. She doesn’t either. Neither of them want to change their names, so why go through all this bs?

    #875825 Reply

    I think you need to let the idea of having the same last name go. As said above, it’s particularly funny that this symbol of unity had driven you both apart.

    Keep your own last names. It doesn’t have to symbolize or mean anything.

    #875831 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    I hyphenated and my full name is now 12 honking syllables. It’s a beast. My husband just smiled and told me whatever last name or hyphenation I wanted was fine with him. If this guy is insisting you take his last name then I agree with Kate. He’s in the fast lane on douche highway and you need to seriously reconsider binding yourself to him for life. If he isn’t, then you both just keep your own damm names. Stop trying to force each other into new names, you absolutely do not need matching names in this day and age to be a family. Your kids can be Kevin Jones Smith, or Kevin Adam Jones-Smith, or Smith-Jones. Whatever.

    #875837 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    @golfer.gal: “…fast lane on douche highway…” – fan-fucking-tastic.

    #875843 Reply
    PheebersPhoebe
    Guest

    I just don’t get why you have to have the same name. This reeks of high school to me, as if you’re insecure about being a couple or something.

    I DID take my husband’s last name, primarily because my maiden name was annoying and I liked my husband’s. He genuinely didn’t care, though.

    If you don’t want to take his name, don’t.

    #875845 Reply
    avatarSachiko Roxanne
    Guest

    I don’t know if anyone shared this yet but Wendy answered the same question as you LW a few years back and her answer is fire https://dearwendy.com/he-wants-me-to-take-his-name-but-i-want-to-keep-mine/

    #875850 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    The Bride of Fyodor kept her last name and it’s never been an issue.

    I agree with others that this whole fight is a major warning sign. People do sometimes have weird emotional attachments to certain issues that are not indicative of their larger worldview. But his obstinance on this and the fact that you can’t resolve this issue with him seem to be major warning signs.

    #875858 Reply
    avatarEleanor Anagonye
    Guest

    There’s no way for you to have the same last name unless one or both of you changes your names, and he’s said he won’t budge. You have to decide what is more important to you: having the same last name or not taking his. I’d keep my name, but that’s just me; to you, having the same last name may be more important, and that’s OK. You get to decide what matters most to you. That being said, if it’s more important to you to not take his name and he insists that you take his or that you 2 have the same name but shoots down all other suggestions (which is a de facto insistence that you take his name), you should see that as a MAJOR warning sign. And however it goes, figure out what you will name the kids NOW, even if you don’t plan to have kids.

    #875861 Reply
    avatarVathena
    Guest

    @FYI, he won’t change his name to the mashed-up name or to any completely new-to-them last name, and insists his name is his connection to his father, oh and also that they should both have the same last name. All that points to: he thinks she should take his last name, because he’s not changing it.

    I absolutely would reconsider marrying a guy who fights over this.

    #875863 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy
    Keymaster

    I’m agreeing with everyone else that is your husband is adamant opposed to changing his name at all and you are adamantly opposed to taking his name, the logical choice here is that you both keep your own names! And decide what name any potential kids will have before you marry. If this is the hill you want to die on though and you won’t be happy if you don’t share the same married name and you won’t be happy taking his name and he won’t be happy changing his name at all, the answer is you won’t be happy, period, and you shouldn’t get married. This is but one is many, many compromises you’ll be asked to make in what you would hope would be a long marriage. If you priorities aren’t a match, you two aren’t a match.

    #875870 Reply
    SkyblossomSkyblossom
    Participant

    Last names don’t make or break a marriage. It’s love and commitment and trust and respect and ability to work through issues that make a lasting marriage. The names are irrelevant.

    I chose to keep my own last name. We’ve been married for 32 years and I have never regretted keeping my name. Every time I need to use my birth certificate to prove my identity I am glad that I don’t have to add a marriage certificate to the mix. I have friends who have had to go to the license bureau for their federally approved ID with their birth certificate, first marriage license, divorce certificate and second marriage license. All of my records match my birth certificate. My college transcripts match my birth certificate. I have never had to prove that the name on the degree is mine.

    I would seriously consider keeping your name.

    If you did get married and divorced would you keep the new name or go back to your current name. If you would go back to your current name I wouldn’t change it. If you change your name you should want it for the rest of your life.

    If the two of you can’t come to a happy resolution, not resigned unhappiness, you shouldn’t get married. This indicates how well the two of you work out issues and so far you aren’t succeeding.

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