“I Expect More Sex From My Wife of 15 Years”

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  • This topic has 62 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by Pickles.
Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 63 total)
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  • Golfer.gal
    April 4, 2024 at 11:23 am #1128694

    It is low key hilarious that Shemp Howard’s list, which basically boils down to: do at least your fair share of household work and childcare, find out what your partner needs to feel good, don’t automatically expect or pressure your partner into sex, engage in intimacy that feels good (like a massage) without the explicit expectation that it will turn into sex, be a good listener, ensure your partner has time to themselves, and generally do thoughtful things like buy them gifts, is so outrageous and unacceptable that expecting those things is an excuse to Cheat. On. His. Wife.

    The funny thing is, LW isn’t doing any of those and is still getting duty sex from his wife because she loves him. That list is the recipe to have a fulfilling and mutual sex life, not duty sex. But that is apparently so much to ask that dudio feels justified to lie, betray, and step out on his partner. My god, the entitlement is staggering.

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    Shemp Howard
    April 4, 2024 at 8:09 pm #1128696

    I never stated no strings sex. I am just stating a) why is it always the man’s fault when the woman doesn’t want to have sex? b) why does getting her desirous of sex always have to involve an endless list of requirements? c) men evolved to need regular sex. Whether you like it or not, that’s how evolution or our creator built us. The massive bait and switch from pre-marital eager sex to post-marital “only on my highly extensive and unwritten and wavering terms” sex is something that never really gets talked about, and gets very casually chalked up to the man not being a good house cleaner, among other unrelated things.

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    HeartsMum
    April 4, 2024 at 9:59 pm #1128697

    It’s an advice site, so if you/LW are looking for constructive advice, that’s what people have kindly tried to do—if you want things to be different, plaintive bleating is unlikely to work. If there is a “bait & switch” then Gen X men did it too, seeming to care about women’s bodily autonomy and racial justice just enough to unlock the nymphette. (Username suggests your age is similar to LW). While you’re looking up emotional load/emotional labour, look up transactional analysis too. Your wife does not have the bandwidth to feel sexy after meeting all the demands of knowing what needs to be done in the household (emotional labour), getting masses of it done alone, and getting you to “help” by doing the rest. Your wife needs to be in adult mode (not THAT kind of adult) to feel sexy, yet you sound like you’re in child mode (“it’s not fair”), like a toddler demanding a snack. Your wife might be in parent mode, telling you what you should be doing in the household. But that’s not sexy (unless that’s a specific pre-agreed jam), not for you, and definitely not for her. This is why sharing the grown-up duties of being in an equal partnership of adults has been suggested to you/LW. If your wife wrote in, I might say, leave the dishes & dinner and go in the bedroom—if I thought you wouldn’t turn to her after and say, “what’s for dinner?” Most women have a thudding techno beat of a To-Do list at all times, and find it hard to relax while one spinning plate after another smashes. As to the “wavering” list, a woman is not a paint by numbers workbook. The same thing doesn’t work every time—rather than being irritated, you could think that would be boring. As to the “our creator” bollocks, women do want sex, just not shitty sex with an unsympathetic partner. If it’s all too much bother, as you say, go somewhere else.

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    Kate
    April 5, 2024 at 4:18 am #1128698

    Mic drop.

    Reply
    Shemp Howard
    April 5, 2024 at 8:41 am #1128708

    Allow me to summarize your response: it’s the man’s fault when the woman doesn’t want sex.

    Reply
    Shemp Howard
    April 5, 2024 at 8:41 am #1128707

    Allow me to summarize your response: it’s the man’s fault when the woman doesn’t want sex.

    Reply
    Anonymousse
    April 5, 2024 at 9:00 am #1128709

    No, it’s the man’s fault when his wife doesn’t want sex with him because all he does is act like a baby, make her life difficult, suck in bed and buy her uncomfortable thongs to get her in the mood when she’s told you she doesn’t like that and it doesn’t turn her on.

    It’s called consideration and treating your life partner with love and respect.

    I’ve been happily married for 11 years and my husband is awesome in bed. You know why? He knows if he please me, I will please him. It’s called mutual satisfaction and love. No one owes anyone sex.

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    Anonymousse
    April 5, 2024 at 9:01 am #1128710

    Yes, it is the man’s fault if his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him on purely only his terms. Be attractive and wantable and not a douchbag. It’s really not difficult.

    Reply
    Shemp Howard
    April 5, 2024 at 9:33 am #1128711

    I rest my case.

    Reply
    Anonymousse
    April 5, 2024 at 12:06 pm #1128712

    Well shrimp, whose fault do you think it is? It’s really not hard to treat your wife like a person with individual wants and needs instead of like a blow up doll.

    Reply
    Shemp Howard
    April 5, 2024 at 12:06 pm #1128713

    The message I’m clearly getting, pulling back all the window dressing, is that post-marital sex is a Quid Pro Quo transaction governed by the woman using subjective, variable, and unilaterally defined criteria that are then binding for both parties. Should the man not meet this subjective and unilaterally defined criteria, then he is therefore a douchebag and, by extension, relegated to being an involuntary celibate.

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    Anonymousse
    April 5, 2024 at 12:22 pm #1128714

    Governed by the woman? What window dressing? No, if my husband didn’t want to have sex, we wouldn’t either. I said MUTUAL.

    What the heck is wrong with you? You’re probably best with the doll, is my guess.

    “Unilaterally binding?” Are you okay? Have you ever spoken to a woman IRL? If you treat women like a business transaction you will get nowhere. Can’t you just treat women as other humans, deserving of respect and care? Is it really that hard, Shremp?

    Have a great weekend.

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“I Expect More Sex From My Wife of 15 Years”

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