“I Expect More Sex From My Wife of 15 Years”

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  • This topic has 62 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by Pickles.
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  • Kate
    April 6, 2024 at 12:04 pm #1128727

    Or like a mommy.

    April 6, 2024 at 12:18 pm #1128728

    Shemp – you’re comparing anecdotal data (your friends) to things that have studied and researched extensively. You also don’t know the personal details of the inner workings of your friend’s relationship beyond how happy your friends are with the amount of sex they are having. This research is easy to find with Google. I did the hard work for you:


    But it’s a pretty simple concept. Resentment is a libido killer and I don’t think that’s something unique to one gender, but I do think that there are far more women out there that are resentful of their male partners for not pulling their weight with household chores and planning, parenting duties, etc.

    No, not every relationship is going to reflect this dynamic, so it’s totally possible your friends are the outliers.

    April 6, 2024 at 3:14 pm #1128729


    Also, studies show that the household duties are only *equal* when the woman is the sole breadwinner. Meaning she’s still doing half even when she’s the only one working for money! Otherwise very likely she’s working hard at a paid job outside the home and doing way more than her share of the housework and childcare. And a lot of men are like another kid to take care of. Seriously.

    This is not my situation. I don’t have kids. I make more money than my husband and my job primarily funds our retirement and provides benefits. He has a job that 1) has the most job security I’ve ever heard of, 2) pays well, and 3) allows him a very high degree of flexibility. He does more than half of the shit around the house, including all the car stuff, majority of dog care, fair amount of cooking, pays for half the housecleaning, and doesn’t make a mess I have to pick up after. Does his laundry and will fold mine if it’s there (same). He mails my packages (clothing returns etc). He takes care of everything like parking permits, home maintenance, dealing with people, booking travel, etc etc etc. I’m very happy and we have regular sex. Not daily but regularly.

    I know enough to know this is absolutely not the norm, and most women are doing way more. I’d be so exhausted. Can’t even imagine.

    Shemp Howard
    April 6, 2024 at 10:46 pm #1128735

    Everything I’ve heard so far has still been an elaborate series of Quid Pro Quo explanations. I found this scientific article rather instructive: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/insight-therapy/201305/the-price-sex-women-rule-men-drool-the-markets-cruel

    The bottom line is that women control their surroundings through sex, and have done so for centuries, if not millennia. Spouses are not exempt.

    April 7, 2024 at 5:44 am #1128736

    It’s more important to you to be right than to be happy, and that’s okay. Go back to all your hairy friends complaining about being hairy but refusing to go to a barbershop. You’ve literally shown all of us how you argue with your spouse, by starting with snide digs, moving up the passive aggressive scale until she snaps and responds, you get to feel righteous, and then you just keep going and going to wear her down until she’ll say anything to shut you up. Possibly even give you the duty sex you so disdain. Golfer.gal had your number way up thread, and there is no middle ground to be reached. Just keep up the comments; it’s like watching a toddler throwing toys out of his pen.

    April 7, 2024 at 1:45 pm #1128742

    Interesting article: Essentially dressing up the “high value man” “high value woman” theories that are so popular in the manosphere right now. Of course, no actual data is described and near as I can tell no research has actually been done. The only link in the article is dead.

    I looked up a bit more on the author I think the psychology today article is spinning his work to be more compatible to these “value” ideas. His work suggests that women’s libido fluctuates more in relation to their surroundings. So…he’s basically agreeing with everyone else: when women have shitty home lives, their libido shrinks. That’s exactly what everyone here is saying.

    Shemp Howard
    April 7, 2024 at 6:57 pm #1128743

    I have no idea how you drew that far reaching conclusion from the article. I think you interpreted exactly what you wanted to hear.

    April 7, 2024 at 8:41 pm #1128744

    Shemp you are…not doing a great job of making your whole “I’m in a happy marriage where I regularly get laid” assertion believable. Therapy, my dude, for you as an individual and couples counseling with your wife. Try to have some mutual, respectful conversations about what you each need to feel satisfied and connected and if that’s still possible for the two of you as a couple at this point. Also maybe lay off the red pill reddit threads for a bit while you figure all that out, they are doing you absolutely no favors.

    April 8, 2024 at 8:14 am #1128761

    Here’s a few quotes that led me to my conclusion that the author is viewing sexuality purely from an economic perspective without any regard to how relationships actually function.

    “Therefore, sex for men is a no-risk/high-profit investment. For woman, the equation is reversed. Thus, the supply of female interest in sex is reduced, and since male demand is high, the price rises.”

    “Man’s heightened motivation for sex puts them at a disadvantage because, according to the well-known “principle of least interest,” the one less invested (or motivated) in a relationship, controls it.

    “For example, if you love your partner more than he loves you and you are more invested in the relationship than he is, then control of the relationship rests with him. The one who’s in love will do everything to save the relationship, even if it costs them big concessions. According to this principle, the fact that women are less sexually needy and motivated for sex puts them in a position of power in sexual negotiations.”

    “Another reason why female sex has become a valued resource is related in all likelihood to human social history, in which, without exception, men have controlled most of society’s resources-–money, status and power positions. In such a situation, sex has been one of the few assets that women could leverage for obtaining other valuable social goods such as power, status, and money.”

    “Baumeister’s analysis of the sexual marketplace, then, assumes that sex is not just a private matter but a part of the socio-economic system, just as buying a house is not just a private act but part of a system.”

    “…for example in societies where women outnumber men, the price of sex is bound to drop because supply (feminine sex) exceeds demand (men looking for sex).”

    “If we view sexy dress as advertising and public relations of a property owner who wishes to sell, we understand that such an owner would want to stimulate interest in as many potential buyers as possible, not because she aims to ‘sell’ to all of them but because she seeks to find the one optimal ‘buyer.’ Thus viewed, an attractively dressed woman conveys an interest in finding a suitable partner, not in finding many partners.”

    Shemp Howard
    April 8, 2024 at 3:55 pm #1128768

    I think the point is that the power of sexual control and sexual activity – or not- lies exclusively in the hands of women. We can pretend that’s not true and pretend that men also have the option to withhold sex subject to their criteria wing met, but we all know that men don’t have these pretensions or proclivities. It’s not in our dna and it’s not in our social construct

    April 9, 2024 at 3:58 am #1128770

    “I think the point is”. This exemplifies the amount of learning you are prepared to do, after all the exchanges. You’re clearly very angry with not just your wife, but women in general. Again, that’s okay. Your idea of the point doesn’t have any room for women who want more sex, for men who want less sex (who would probably not even BE men in your estimation), or for a very basic view of what men and women in committed relationships have to offer each other. It’s frankly very sad. (PS If Psychology Today is a scientific journal, then Cosmopolitan is an anthropological publication).

    Shemp Howard
    April 9, 2024 at 10:36 am #1128781

    A) The research and analysis was performed by a Professor and Researcher at Florida State University – a scientific institution, not by Psychology Today. Psychology Today merely reported on it.

    B) I’m in a happy 18 year marriage, and it’s true that I wish I had more sex than once a week. I wouldn’t leave my wife for anything though.

    What I am upset about is all that is on the internet about guidance for husbands who want more sex than they are getting, which is the situation 99% of the time when desires are mismatched between 2 healthy individuals – just as the research also indicated. The internet is exclusively filled with women identical in perspective to the ones in this discussion, who have unequivocally stated there are Quid Pro Quo criteria that they govern in order for them to grant sex to their husbands. Just like the research showed – women are sellers and men are buyers, and so men must bring more resources to the table in order to earn sex. With their own wives!! And if the husbands don’t meet that subjective and unilateral criteria, they’re not getting sex, and it’s their own damn fault. Men want to have sex with their wives regardless of any sort of mental baggage they carry. Women need ALL their endless mental baggage cleared before they are willing. And women are more than happy to withhold sex in a committed relationship – “don’t have sex with others, but don’t have sex with me either.”

    It’s not really my own circumstance, which is better than most of the men I know, that makes me upset, it’s the lopsided feminine societal perspective whereby women govern sex in society – which is totally fine if they are single. But once they ask someone to commit only to them for the rest of their life, which is also totally fine, they switch from pre-marital highly regular sex to highly regulated post-marital Quid Pro Quo sex, which includes withholding of sex and emotions.

    So, it’s the social construct that bothers me. I am trying to respond in a way that does not attack or ridicule you. Please try and do the same.

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