My husband and I have been married for 6 years, together for nearly 10.
We have 2 children together and he has one child from a previous marriage who is 9 y/o.

I recently saw my name appear on a text from his ex partner (his child’s mother). I didn’t say anything at the time, thinking that my husband would mention to me what had been said, but he didn’t. so I looked at the text thread myself while he left the room the next day, I don’t usually do this as I respect his privacy but I was curious as to why my name was mentioned and he hadn’t told me.

She wrote him a long text saying that their child had referred to me as her stepmother to somebody, and she was disgusted by this as in her words “she does not have a stepmother, I am her only mother, allowing her to call *my name* her stepmother is crossing the line” and a lot more but that was the general problem.

For context my husband has always appreciated an easy life and although his ex has created problems in the past he will often try to diffuse the situation/ignore her rather than stand up to her/say what he really feels/stick up for our relationship.

The problem here is that I feel so disrespected because his response was that he has never heard their daughter call me stepmother before and that if she did then she was never encouraged to do so. To me this sounds like he is agreeing with her in the fact that it is a problem. Why would he not feel happy or want to encourage that relationship between us (his daughter and I have a very good relationship)?

It was bitter sweet to me, reading the text, where I felt overjoyed that my step daughter feels that I have earned the title “step mother” in her life. But I was also extremely disappointed that my husband had just fed his ex’s ego and told her what she wanted to hear rather than actually saying that it shouldn’t be an issue and if that’s how their daughter feels and how she wants to address me then we have been together for a long time and that should be fine?

I don’t want to talk to my husband about this because I’ll have to say I looked at his phone which was wrong of me, but I can’t get over the hurt I’m feeling about this.

I can sort of see his POV that he doesn’t want the aggro or repercussions of saying anything that contradicts her, but simultaneously why at this point does he feel the need to still please her to avoid a fight?

Thank you and sorry for the long message