Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I feel emotionally drained after helping my bf cope with the loss of his dad

Home Forums General Chat I feel emotionally drained after helping my bf cope with the loss of his dad

  • This topic has 27 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 9 months ago by avatarLeon.
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  • #855786 Reply

    Also, it helps a lot to have someone else to dump YOUR stress on to. The two of are sort of dumping your emotions on each other right now, and that’s not good. When you feel like it’s too much, take a break, go for a walk and call a friend to yell and cry at them. Then you paste the smile back on your face and go back to help him and his family.

    #856564 Reply

    What others here have been saying is a perfect example of the Ring theory. He’s lost his dad. Naturally he turns to you. But you need to turn to others in your circle, perhaps your parents, friends or siblings, to help you cope. Or a professional.

    Don’t let yourself burn out trying to support him. You also don’t have to take any abuse from him. Even if he’s grieving, that doesn’t give him the right to treat you like shit or to lash out. You can be understanding, but if you need to take a break from it, do so. Just excuse yourself for a while when you feel you can’t take any more.

    You shouldn’t burden him with your problems now, because he can’t be expected to handle it.

    But if you really, really can’t handle it and feel like you’re losing yourself in his grief, you need to protect your own mental health, even if it’s at the cost of your relationship. It won’t get you much sympathy, I guess, but if it gets too much and he refuses to seek help elsewhere and you just can’t take it anymore, a legitimate response would be to dump him.

    #856580 Reply

    Grieving a recent huge loss is hard. It’s a lot. Why doesn’t he want support from friends? It’s fine if he doesn’t want to cry on their shoulder, but you might want to ask if you could invite his best buddy over for dinner. It helps to be around people. It says a lot that he wants you there with him. It’s not that you have to do something you aren’t to make it better, because nothing you do will make his loss better.

    I agree that making the house run behind the scenes could be a really good role for you. Run the errands, buy or make food, clean. When you need a break, make a run to the grocery store. Ask his friends to make a meal if they offer to help. Enlist help from your family and friends. And yeah, if you can’t physically or emotionally be there for him, you need to focus on yourself even if that means breaking up. He just lost his dad, he needs support. Call your doctor or therapist.

    #857086 Reply

    Yes to everything Allathian said. I don’t think that you should be his sole support provider. It is as if a broken beam supports a broken floor: both crackles and fall. You are not in the right state of mind to be the only grief supporter.

    That’s why we nurture relationships. People around us support us when the times get rough. This is one of these times, and you should totally call more people to alleviate the burden.

    Don’t become the sole emotional recipient of your bf. If the vase is fragile, put some supports around of it in the form of caring hands, or other ears to listen.

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