Home › Forums › Advice & Chat › I feel insecure about my boyfriend’s friend
- This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by Copa.
So, recently my boyfriend moved to anew city and the only person he knows there is this girl friend from his college who’s also a colleague. So he ends up spending all the time at work and goes to clubs to party and get drunk with her. She even sent him red roses on rose day for the valentine’s week. He once video called me and screenshared her profile to me, going through her pictures, commenting on her outfits. While he’s extremely nice to me, posts me on socials and tells me he loves me,i can’t help But feel insecure. He recently went to a club and called her his girlfriend to get away from a guy who was trying to ask her out. I don’t know how I feel about that.KateKeymaster
They sound like friends, and the thing about pretending to be her bf at a club is something I could see a guy doing even for a woman he doesn’t know, to help her out if she needs to get away from an aggressive dude.
Screen sharing her profile and going through her pics and outfits sounds weird to me without any other context, like why would anyone do that? I don’t get it. My husband will show me people’s Facebook posts sometimes if they’re acting wild, but he’s never scrolled through a friend’s profile to show me their outfits and stuff.
But what’s kind of standing out for me is that you say your boyfriend is nice to you and tells you he loves you… like, to me that doesn’t read like you two have something really special, a true connection. Do you know what I mean? And he’s moved to a new city… is there a plan for him to move back eventually or for you to move there? How long have you been together? Maybe this relationship isn’t serving your needs.CopaParticipant
“She even sent him red roses on rose day for the valentine’s week. He once video called me and screenshared her profile to me, going through her pictures, commenting on her outfits.”
These are the details that strike me as odd. The rest is all stuff that friends do together/for one another. It’s hard and scary to move to a new city alone, so it’s really not surprising that both want and need a pal… and I’m sure there’s some relief in the familiarity of someone you went to school with.
You’re allowed to feel whatever it is you’re feeling about the situation. What you shouldn’t do is act on your every feeling. Have you talked to your boyfriend about how you feel? What did he say?
Kate’s points about your longer-term plan are also very valid. In my experience, most people don’t end up with their college SO. Very few of my friends did. How are you filling your time with the distance? Are you still in college? Having fun nights out of your own? I hope whatever stage of life you are in, you are still focusing on yourself — your goals, hobbies, friends.Sirius blackGuest
So we have been together all but 6 months, he has known her for a month not before that. We will be doing ldr for another year for sure till I finish my studies. And maybe even after that as I go for higher studies. Its been such a short time, yet this feeling that he might be cheating on me with her and I will probably not even ever find out about it won’t go away. She has no other friends in the city, she shares very personal details about her life with him, constantly posts him on her socials. All of it gets to me.Dear WendyKeymaster
It feels like you’re too young to put your dating life on hold for at least a year for someone you don’t have a very strong foundation with and who is behaving in an odd way with a former girlfriend he now spends all his time with. If you stay with him in a monogamous relationship, there’s a strong possibility you’ll look back at this time in your life and regret dedicating so much of it to a relationship that brings very little joy and intimacy.
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by Dear Wendy.
Have you dated in person? Is this IRL or online?
I think you should move on to someone local who you can see often.CopaParticipant
Have you talked to him about how you feel? What did he say?
I don’t want to be totally discouraging. I do know one or two couples who started dating pretty young (22-23) and who did long-distance shortly after meeting who are still together a decade later. But, I think it will be an uphill battle.
FWIW, the few times I have thought past boyfriends might be cheating on me, I was spot on. I’ve definitely had my moments of jealousy or insecurity, but I don’t think either describe me as a person, so I trust my gut to tell me when something is amiss. I’m not saying your boyfriend is cheating on you — I don’t know — but I do think there’s something to be said about listening to your gut. What you feel might be one way to know that this relationship is not the right fit for you.