Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I feel like a failure and my mother agrees

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  • This topic has 3 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by avatarMooncake.
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  • #852701 Reply

    I’m 19 y/o and my life for the past year has gone downhill. I was a fairly good student in high school and managed to get into an extremely good University, but once University started it was like I lost all my luck. I ended up on academic probation and decided to take summer courses (bad choice) to get my gpa back up and instead ended up on suspension for a year. I am currently living at home so to do something useful with my time, I decided to try and get my final drivers license. I ended up failing the exam and I have to take it again a week from now. I’ve applied to multiple jobs both online and in person yet no one has replied to me, and now my mom wants me to retake a music harmony exam but I have to relearn it since it was back in 2016 when I didn’t pass it. I feel horrible about myself as is, and my mother doesn’t make it better. She always talks about how much money was spent on me, how I closed off all my opportunities, how I don’t have a future, how ungrateful I am all the time, how I don’t want to succeed, how I should lose weight, etc etc. I love my mom but sometimes (and I don’t know if this is an exaggeration) she seems practically toxic to me. Always checking my clothes before I leave the house, having to know the passwords to my devices, not allowing me to lock my bedroom door. I’m trying my best to make the year off a productive one, but with her constant negative comments I feel like I’m better off dead sometimes (and she agrees with me). Am I just ungrateful? Is this normal behaviour for all parents? What should I do? Am I overthinking it? Sorry if things are unclear, I’m just beginning to feel hopeless…

    #852746 Reply

    If you need it, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is: 1-800-273-8255.

    You are not better off dead. If your mother is telling you that you are, then no, that is not normal.

    You sound like a high achieving kid with a controlling/helicoptering parent who stumbled in college. It’s not unusual. You could use a therapist and maybe an academic or career counselor to help you think through some options. Keep looking for a part time job. And if possible, move out of your mother’s house, particularly if she’s telling you you’re better off dead. Do you have friends or other relatives you could stay with? Maybe ones who live somewhere you could find a job?

    #852748 Reply

    You need to get away from your mom. Or simply learn to tune her out better.

    Your abrupt and sudden downward slide with schoolwork is concerning. It is NOT something that typically happens to everyone.

    Any idea what brought that on?
    What caused the sudden plunge?

    You should meet with a counselor to both investigate this and also to figure out how to best get at track.

    19 is very young.

    Nobody has it very together at 19. Hang in there. Things will definitely get better.

    #852781 Reply

    Sounds like you need to get away from your Mom, or spend more time away from her working towards your goals.

    You’re super young, with your whole life ahead of you. There are so many options for you, college being only one of them. If I were you, I’d find something I wanted to apprentice, study, or some skill that I could devote my ample time to.

    One thing I really wanted to try at your age was living in a commune. You work for a certain amount of hours (less than 40), they give you a small stipend, a place to live, internet, and community.

    You could also try wwoofing. Google it.

    At 19, you should be trying to make enough to meet your expenses, while working towards making yourself employable as an older adult, and finding out what you love to do.

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