- This topic has 15 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 5 days, 8 hours ago by PinkCarnation.
January 12, 2021 at 10:44 am #1001635RyanGuest
Hi I’m Ryan (not real name) and I recently got the feeling that a close friend of mine is pushing me away because of her new relationship.
We met in September of last year at university and became really close very quickly but I had to come back home due to health reason which is when she met her new boyfriend. At first she was fine when we talked but then she slowly became less and less talkative and whenever I talked about us seeing each other again when I came back to university she would read the message and not reply. She also stopped asking me how I was but I ignored it as us not seeing each other for a little while but something happened today that made me question everything.
We had booked tickets for a comedy show in June of this year so I wanted to book the hotel rooms for us on a flexible contract (we had until the day of the show to cancel if the show didn’t happen so we wouldn’t loose money) and then told me she didn’t want to go anymore and told me she felt weird going with me when we were going as friends and we would be gone only one day. She booked the tickets for my birthday and surprised me months before she met this guy so I don’t know why that would change anything but I really need to see what people say on here thank you.January 12, 2021 at 12:30 pm #1001718FYIGuest
Are you a woman or a man?
If you’re a man, then maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable getting a hotel room with someone who isn’t her boyfriend, now that she is in a relationship.
If you’re a woman, or man for that matter, September isn’t that long ago, so this shouldn’t be that big of a dent in your friend circle.January 12, 2021 at 1:11 pm #1001755RyanGuest
I am a guy and we would have separate rooms from each other and she’s been there during my worst mental breakdown ever so I class her as a close friendJanuary 12, 2021 at 2:54 pm #1001825FYIGuest
She may feel it’s just disrespectful to her boyfriend, despite the separate rooms. Some people just view things that way. It’s nothing to do with you personally.January 12, 2021 at 3:21 pm #1001849RyanGuest
She had a boyfriend before this one and she was fine doing stuff like this when she was with him so I don’t think it’s that. What about the reading texts and not responding whenever I talk about hanging outJanuary 12, 2021 at 3:32 pm #1001859HelenGuest
Sounds like the new bf doesn’t like the concert trip.January 12, 2021 at 3:34 pm #1001860HelenGuest
Or his gf texting you. Lots of jealous, insecure men out thereJanuary 12, 2021 at 3:48 pm #1001872HazelParticipant
Ah, that’s a shame, people ought to be able to have friends of whatever gender, as long as there is no romantic spark going on, it shouldn’t bother partners. Yet it often does. If you are truly platonic friends, just wait it out. Often people in love (especially young people) can be expecting of their friends to back off a bit (male or female or whatever) while the new relationship is in it’s very intense phase and they can’t imagine anything better than being with each other ALL the time. Maybe don’t push her to hang out, for a while, and let this trip go, disappointing though that is. have you another friend to invite? It might be a good time to take a punt on inviting any other friend to widen your social circle so you don’t feel so dependant on just the one person. BTW though, if you are having romantic thoughts towards her, now is definitely the time to back away, and not pressure her into situations like a hotel stay.January 12, 2021 at 3:50 pm #1001875ronGuest
A lot of possibilities, beyond a jealous bf. New bf may not even know about any of this.
It’s very possible that your “worst mental breakdown ever” struck her as a lot more than she was capable/comfortable dealing with. Perhaps your messages to her, which se failed to answer, struck her as a little disturbing. Perhaps she feels a lot closer to current bf and viewed prior bf as quite casual.
It is not at all surprising that she doesn’t want to do an overnight trip with just you and her, even with separate rooms. A bf’s jealousy doesn’t need to be the spur to this. She just might feel that this behavior would be al little off for where she feels she is in her current relationship. One of your responses that she doesn’t feel an overnight is necessary to see the show.
I just don’t get a ‘Lots of jealous, insecure men out there” as the go to explanation for her behavior.January 12, 2021 at 4:12 pm #1001892CopaParticipant
Nobody can tell you why she’s acting this way. It could be a lot of things. A jealous boyfriend or wanting to respect her new relationship crossed my mind, too. Other things that crossed my mind:
– It sounds like you two still do not live near one another, right? It could be that she doesn’t have the energy to focus on a long-distance friendships right now and prefers to focus on the people she sees regularly. (I’ve drifted apart from good friends this way without it being the fault of a new partner.)
– Even if the boyfriend isn’t jealous, some people become all-consumed with new relationships and put old ones on the back-burner. (This has happened to me, too.)
– The mention of your mental breakdown makes me wonder if she finds you too much as a friend. (One of my childhood friends has a lot of mental health issues and I don’t always have the capacity for her because something is usually bringing her down or her energy is usually negative.)
– If she’s reading your texts and not responding, but you keep sending her messages, she might find you too needy. (This is what it sounds like you’re doing, and if you are, please stop because that’s an obvious sign that she’s not interested or invested in your friendship right now.)
All that said, I’m sorry you feel like you’re losing your friend, but now seems like a good time focus on the other friendships in your life. Not all friendships are for life. Some friendships are situational or of convenience. You may be super close to someone for years and then drift apart for any number of reasons. Some friends are for life but will ebb and flow in closeness. All of it is normal and okay, so there’s no time like the present to learn how you want to handle things when one person pulls back or seems disinterested in the same kind of friendship you want.January 12, 2021 at 4:14 pm #1001896ele4phantGuest
Look, I don’t know why she’s pushing you away, but it kind of doesn’t matter, you know?
She’s indicating through her words and actions that she doesn’t want the same closeness out of the relationship that you do.
Whether it’s because of her new boyfriend, or because she has concerns that you might have romantic feelings for you, or because she’s decided she actually doesn’t find you that compatible as friends, or some entirely other reasons, she’s giving you a boundary. Respect it. We can’t make people be our friends with us, they have to come to it on their own. It doesn’t matter what their reasons are or if we disagree with them. You can’t argue her into feeling differently about this.
If that’s too painful for you to accept she doesn’t reciprocate the level of friendship you would like, you need to end the friendship.
If you do want to remain some sort of a friendship with her, even if it’s less close than you would want, respect her boundary and meet her where she is.
That’s kind all you can do, move on or accept what she’s offering you.January 12, 2021 at 5:04 pm #1001934RyanGuest
Thank you to everyone who responded on my post I think i am going to not talk to her for a while since I don’t see the friendship lasting if she continues to push me away like she is, some of you mentioned my mental breakdown being a factor which if it was then she never told me she felt uncomfortable with being my friend because of it and she even came to my therapy sessions when I told her there was no need.
Some of you also mentioned me having feelings or coming across as needy which aren’t the case as we are just friends and thats how I will see her always and I never sent rapid texts as when I saw her read the texts and not respond for a while after I left it and messaged her a couple days or the next week to say hi. I’m not going to ask about the trip whenever we speak again as I don’t want to take the tickets from her and make her miss out if she decides to take her bf as well