fbpx
Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I had a lesbian experience but I am heterosexual

Home Forums Advice & Chat I had a lesbian experience but I am heterosexual

Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #1109019 Reply
    Grace
    Guest

    So last night I had my first sexual experience with another woman. She’s a friend of mine and we’d both been drinking quite a bit and we got to chatting about stuff. It turns out we both were curious about what it would be like to be with another woman. We ended up having sex. While the experience was not awful, it’s something I realise I’m not interested in trying again. What makes the situation more difficult is that I have a boyfriend who I have been with for years. I feel so, so guilty. The guilt is overwhelming. I’m also wondering does that one experience make me bisexual? Can a an experience like that be considered just that – an experience? As I said I have no interest in doing it again and I personally feel like I do not identify as bisexual.

    #1109027 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I mean, I think sexuality is a spectrum, and however you personally identify, you are attracted to women and had sex with a woman so you’re somewhere along that spectrum, in a different place than someone who isn’t attracted to women.

    But, separate issue, you cheated on your boyfriend, and you need to address that. I think you owe him the truth about what happened so he can make his own decision.

    Edit: I get that you aren’t interested in trying anything like that again, and maybe you did just need that one experience to get it out of your system. But maybe you’re just feeling guilty and gross right now because you cheated, but it is possible / likely you may again find yourself attracted to women. It’s not a bad thing, and maybe you need to grow and learn who you are.

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 6 days ago by Kate.
    #1109030 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    “Drinking quite a bit” is a pre-made excuse, when you desire something but don’t want to accept ownership of your desires. Cheating on one’s SO is a big step.

    #1109037 Reply
    ktfran
    Participant

    I think you’re asking the wrong question. The more important question than whether or not you are bisexual is why did you cheat?

    Kate covered the bisexual thing and I agree with her that sexuality is a spectrum.

    People in good relationships don’t cheat, even if they’re curious about the opposite gender.

    So I think that’s what you need to figure out first and foremost. Why did you cheat and proceed from there. It could truly be a one time mistake. Or it could be a symptom of a bigger issue.

    #1109038 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    I agree. You are focused on the wrong part of this, why did you have sex with someone who isn’t your bf? Your owe it to him to be honest with him, because you’ve had a long relationship with him.

    I agree about the spectrum of sexuality, too. The alcohol excuse is a really sad one. If you’re a grown up, you know that’s no excuse.

    Focus less on labeling yourself right now and more on being a good person and being honest with your bf.

    #1109070 Reply
    Grace
    Guest

    Edit: Feeling slightly judged by some of the comments. I understand cheating is wrong, hence why I said I feel so guilty. And I wasn’t using being drunk as an excuse. I was just explaining the situation. But I also know that it wouldn’t have happened if I was sober. I’ve never been attracted to women, not even my friend who I had this experience with. I have watched lesbian porn in the past and found it arousing but I’ve also watched gay porn and found that arousing too. It’s just something I wanted to try because as I said I’ve been aroused by lesbian porn, so I thought since the opportunity came up, I should explore it and see if there’s anything to it. Right after it happened I discovered it wasn’t for me. I have no interest, nor have I ever had interest in relationships with women. I’m far more attracted to men. I do plan on speaking to my partner about this. We are very much in love and share an amazing chemistry and passion. Sometimes people just make bad choices. It happens no matter how happy they are.

    #1109078 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I don’t know, I don’t think people do things like that when they’re in a loving, happy relationship they know is right for them. I think you’re scared and not being completely honest with yourself. You made a conscious decision to act on your attraction to women while you were in a committed relationship. That seems like something to unpack more. I’m not sure that you can disregard it as a one-time thing. I think your original question was, can an experience just be an experience? Sure, I think that’s possible, but I don’t know that the feelings that led you to have sex with a woman would really go away and not come back.

    #1109081 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    Yeah, I call bullshit. People in happy relationships, don’t sexually experiment drunk or sober without their partners and try to pass it off as something other than what it essentially is: you cheated on your bf.

    You’re trying to make yourself feel better but don’t lie to yourself. Own up to yourself about your behavior and be honest with him. That’s what mature adults do if they love the partners they cheated on. He deserves to know, whether you think he does or not.

    Maybe he’d be fine with it? IDK. No one is judging you. We’ve all made mistakes, but part of being a grown, mature adult is taking responsibility for your mistakes and being honest about them. You grow from that.

    #1109084 Reply
    ktfran
    Participant

    To answer your original questions, I don’t know if this one experience makes you bisexual. But does it really matter? You had an experience. You didn’t love it. So, ok! People experiment all the time and don’t necessarily need a label.

    You feel judged because you know you did something wrong. It doesn’t matter if it was with a man or a woman. The “I was curious” doesn’t really fly when you’re in a committed relationship unless you’ve talked about it first and agreed to open your relationship.


    @kate
    is absolutely right. You have a lot to unpack. Which is why I said I think you’re asking the wrong questions. If you didn’t enjoy that one sexual experience with a woman, why are you so worried you might be bi? I think the more likely scenario is that you know you messed up and instead of addressing the guilt you feel about cheating, you’re wondering if you’re bi. Do you think being bi absolves you of the cheating because then you have a solid reason (in your mind) of why you cheated? Like, “I just had to do this one thing but now I’m done so you should forgive me?” That’s not really how this works.

    FWIW, I’ve cheated once on someone I cared deeply about. We’re no longer together. So I’m actually not judging you. I’m giving you info. about cheating and how that can mess with your head. Also FWIW, that was nearly 15 years ago and I haven’t done it since.

    #1109087 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    I’ve cheated, too. In unhappy relationships. And I didn’t behave great at the time but I’m older and slightly wiser (I’d like to think) now. No judgement of the act, but I would judge you if you never told him. But I’m also a stranger on the internet, so who cares what I think?

Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)
Reply To: I had a lesbian experience but I am heterosexual
Your information: