This topic contains 14 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by saneinca 3 months ago.
October 18, 2018 at 2:57 pm #805374
Hey ya’ll. Here’s the deal:
My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. We met junior year of college, both graduated in 2016. Our marriage is happy and full of love and laughter. A mutual best friend of ours, Jacob, has been my closest guy friend for years. He and my husband were freshman roommates, and the 3 of us lived together our senior year (with one other guy friend of ours.) We always have fun together, make each other laugh, and know a lot about one another.
I’ve had romantic feelings for Jacob for a while now, but have never acted on them or told anyone, fearful of jeopardizing my relationship with my husband. I always just push them deep down & ignore them. I’m not sure if Jacob has the same feelings towards me, but we flirt with each other often. That’s just kind of how our friendship has always been, and our relationship dynamic has never bothered my husband.
I love my husband so dearly and don’t want to hurt him. I’ve always been honest with him, but if I tell him or Jacob about how I feel, I know our friendship will never be the same. I just want these romantic feelings to go away. Help!October 18, 2018 at 3:12 pm #805375
Well obviously don’t tell anyone. Stop flirting. Have less contact with him until you can calm these feelings. Don’t screw up your new marriage for a crush.October 18, 2018 at 3:26 pm #805376
So what’s changed about your friend that made you start having romantic feelings for him? Or have you always had these feeling but suppressed them?October 18, 2018 at 4:57 pm #805382
I agree you need to suppress these as much as possible. Avoid him, get some new hobbies. Have a headache or whatever when the three of you make plans.
You’re right that if you tell them, or either of them, things are going to change. This seems like a Pandora’s box best left unopened.
I am also curious as to why this is emerging after such a short time married.October 18, 2018 at 4:58 pm #805383
What do you hope will happen if you tell him about your feelings ?
If he reciprocates -Do you want to hook up with him secretly ?
Do you want to leave your husband and hook with him ?
If he doesn’t reciprocate, do you want to cut him out of your life ? Do you want him to cut you off his life ? Do you want to have closer that nothing will ever happen with him ?
You do understand that your life never be the same again ? Then go ahead and mess up everyone’s life.October 18, 2018 at 5:23 pm #805387
You’ve only been married a little over a year, but you’ve had romantic feelings for your friend for “awhile now”? It sounds like you got married very young. Could this crush be the expression of a fear of monogamy, a regret that you didn’t date or sleep with more people before settling down, or a subconscious urge to end the marriage? If you really do love your husband, you need to redirect your thoughts every time you catch yourself thinking about Jacob romantically, stop flirting, and limit your exposure to him until you get over this crush. You could also consider unpacking your feelings with a therapist, in case they’re tied to how you feel about being married. Whatever you do, do not tell your husband or Jacob about your crush, unless you’re looking for a way to implode your marriage.October 18, 2018 at 6:12 pm #805394
I have to wonder if you were ready to get married so young.October 18, 2018 at 6:36 pm #805396
Whatever you do — DON’T HAVE KIDS until you sort all this out. I repeat. DO. NOT. HAVE. KIDS.
Frankly, to me, it sounds like while you LOVE your husband — you realize rather profoundly that you are NOT in love with him. Yikes! Not exactly a great place to be. If you truly are no longer in love — when did it end? Can you get it back?
If not — end things.
Seriously. End things. You do your husband no favors by pretending that your loveless marriage is all hunky dory. Nope. NEWSFLASH: All you would be doing is making him waste more time…October 18, 2018 at 7:32 pm #805404
You should stop flirting with him. I doubt that’s helping, if you truly want this to go away.
Did you have feelings for this guy prior to getting married? Had you written in then, we would have said not to get married until you had gotten over it.
It’s one thing to have crushes on people from time to time when you’re in a relationship, but to have feelings for someone for an extended period of time does call in to question your feelings for your husband. I guess it makes me wonder how much you really were into your husband if (presumably) during your engagement and first year of marriage, you were having feelings for someone else. It sounds like you’ve never had a honeymoon phase with your husband, which is sort of concerning.
But I agree with BGM. Don’t have kids yet. It’s entirely possible that you can’t fix this and you don’t want to put kids through a potential divorce/be tied to this guy forever if it ends soon.October 18, 2018 at 7:48 pm #805409
On second thought, I have to agree with BGM. Unpack what’s going on and deal with the truth of your feelings/situation. Don’t spare your husband’s feelings. Sometimes marriages don’t work out and it’s far better to break up a marriage that won’t work for the long haul than temporarily hurt someone you care about.October 19, 2018 at 2:15 am #805417
I don’t think that you are in love with this best friend. You just react to being married: you fantasise about being free, flirting and seducing as you like. And to fantasise about your partner’s best friend is still somehow looking for your partner. You are a fantasiser.
Don’t ever say anything to either of them, you would destroy something, and don’t think that your husband doesn’t notice. There is a fine line here that you shouldn’t cross. Just stop the hanging out like teenagers. Let them meet and do your own stuff.
About this guy: he isn’t in love with you and he isn’t flirting with you, or mildly for fun. He likes you, perhaps he did have a little crush, but if he were in love, he would have stopped the connection, it would be intolerable for him to see you with an other man. Be ready for him to announce soon that he is dating. And you will fade very down in his priorities.
Just stop the nonsense and focus on your own relationship.October 19, 2018 at 3:25 am #805418
Lastly, the best for you is to have your own best friends, preferably female. This will clear up the confusion you have been living in, and be a useful and balanced support to your life, your being, your marriage, and so on.