Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I love him, but I don’t think I’m in love with him.

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice I love him, but I don’t think I’m in love with him.

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  • #1029306 Reply
    avatarCamilla
    Guest

    I need advise. I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years, but I don’t think I’m in love anymore. I may have never been. We’re supposed to be getting married in October, but we already live together. The thought of separating everything and never seeing him makes my heart ache. The thought of never living out the rest of my dreams makes my heart ache too. I’m 21. I have forever to do things, so why do I feel like this commitment will take the chance to do those things away. I don’t blame him for what I’m feeling. I truly love him. It makes me question if being in love is real, or if I am being selfish for wanting more. Please help my heart is breaking.

    #1029307 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    21 is super young to get married. I would advise anyone younger than 25 to wait to get married. You change so much during those years and what you want changes too. You’re already thinking about the things that you’re giving up by settling down so early. Is he your first boyfriend? It’s going to hurt but you need to have a conversation with him. Maybe a few sessions with a therapist can help you figure out what you think is lacking in your life and what you want instead. Don’t marry someone who you don’t think you’re in love with. It’s not fair to anyone involved. Double up on the birth control. Worst timing for a baby

    #1029309 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Participant

    you are asking the right questions at the right time- and the fact that you are tells me that you are too young to get married, the two of you; you need to get out there and find out who you are and where you want to be in the world, what you want to do, all those things; and settling down now is just going to make it more difficult to do that.It will be sad to part but if you part on good terms, after a long time to separate you can still be friends in the goodness of time.I think you know it is time to go, and that’s nobody’s fault; so be kind to yourself.

    #1030465 Reply
    avatarKarebear1813
    Participant

    Call off the wedding and ask for a break. It’s okay to not know what you want. It’s okay to love someone but not be in love with them.

    #1030472 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Yeah, you need to leave him a d cancel the wedding ASAP. Give him the ring back, if you have one. You’re far too young to get married, in my opinion. It will suck and you will hurt him but it’s the best possible thing you can do right now. Getting unmarried is even worse than calling it off now. I hope you can find the strength to do this ASAP.

    #1030474 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    If you can’t do it on your own, book an appointment with a couples counselor and open the session with, “I’m too young to get married.” ‘Cause that’s the truth, especially if you’ve been with him since you were 18.

    #1030516 Reply
    avatarBetty
    Guest

    I don’t think that the issue is that you are too young to get married, it is that you should not get married to this man. I got married when I was 21, and I never had any doubts about whether I loved him and whether or not we should get married (still don’t). If you have doubts, don’t do it. Get out now before you share a mortgage and have kids/pets and more stuff that you will have to split. Just because you care about someone doesn’t mean that you have to marry them.

    #1030518 Reply
    avatarCopa
    Participant

    It doesn’t sound like this is the right match for you and it’s okay if it’s not. At a very minimum, you need to hit pause on your fall wedding. I think talking about it with a therapist will help you get the clarity and confidence you need to make the right decision.

    #1030519 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    But Betty, would your relationship have failed if you’d waited a few years? Most people shouldn’t get married at 21. It’s great it worked for you, but your successful marriage (I assume) the exception, not the rule.

    #1030520 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    You are very young! Enjoy it!

    If you have doubts… LISTEN to them.

    All that the rush to marriage typically leads to is arriving at divorce court first.

    #1030536 Reply
    avatarallathian
    Guest

    It’s possible to love someone without being in love with them. It also depends on how you define being in love.

    But are you sure you’re not in love with him still? You’ve been with him for three years, and in the vast majority of relationships, the first flush of passion wears off between about 18 months and 3 years into the relationship. A good thing too, because when it comes to brain chemistry, being in love is like being temporarily insane. It’s not sustainable in the long run to live like that. Of course, some people are addicted to the heady feeling of new love, but they generally make most people around them unhappy and are bad partners if you’re looking for a long-term relationship.

    I love my husband and I was very much in love with him when we got married about three years into the relationship, but this stage lasted longer for us than it might have done because we were in a long distance relationship for most of those three years.

    My parents got married when my mom was a few days shy of her 22nd birthday and my dad was 23. Now, more than 50 years later, they’re still, AFAIK, happy together. At one point my mom did say that she probably would have waited a while if that had been an option for them, but that time and place it was almost impossible for a cohabiting couple to rent an apartment.

    #1030540 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    Have you talked to him at all about your dreams and goals and is he at all supportive? You say that he is potentially a barrier to fulfilling your dreams – that’s a pretty good sign that this is not the right relationship for you.

    A partner is not someone that you perceive as holding you back, but someone who helps push you forward. If he isn’t doing that now, he likely won’t do that later.

    I think it’s time for a serious heart to heart and perhaps it is time to move on. You’ll be sad, but I suspect possibly relieved as well.

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