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I made a huge mistake

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  • #871687 Reply
    avatarClaire
    Guest

    I have been dating someone for 2 years and I love him with all my heart.

    We live together in Seattle but I’m originally from DC. Recently I went back to DC (by myself) for the first time in 6 years to see old friends. While in DC, I went out to a bar with my old childhood friends and among them was a guy I had a crush on when I was a teenager. Nothing ever came of that but there was always mutual innocent flirting – but to be clear, I have not had a crush on him since I was 15 (now 30). I also havent spoken to him much in the last 6 years so theres never been any kind of lead up to what is about to happen next…

    By the end of the night in DC we were all extremely drunk, the drunkest I’ve been in a very long time. My childhood crush was kind of flirting with me but he’s a flirty guy so I ignored it. Fast forward to me leaving /getting in an uber — I’m hugging him goodbye and he gives me a kiss on the cheek which somehow turns into a full blown make out. It only lasted a few seconds but I feel AWFUL about it. To make matters way worse, his girlfriend of 5 years SAW the whole thing and now they are not speaking (this happened 2 weeks ago).

    I am not the type of girl that ruins relationships or cheats on her boyfriend. It was so stupid and pointless and my boyfriend deserves a lot better. I dont know what to do.

    One relationship is already on the verge of a break-up, do I tell my boyfriend too? I think about it 100 times a day but here is my pros/cons:

    Pros:
    1. He deserves to the know the truth and decide if he wants to be with me himself
    2. I wont be keeping a secret from him (I’ve never kept anything from him).
    3. Theres no chance of someone else telling him first

    Cons:
    1. He could break up with me over something that meant absolutely nothing (but understandable)
    2. If he forgives me, there may always be this doubt in his head that I’ll do it again (we are SO happy and so in love and I dont want to ruin that, ugh)
    3. It’ll cause him unnecessary pain – at the end of the day I am so in love with him and that other guy means absolutely nothing to me.

    I made such a stupid MISTAKE. Do I tell him or ride it out?

    Side note: I realized through this event that I clearly dont know how to stop drinking when I should and for this reason I have given up alcohol. I’ve not explained the reason to my boyfriend but its one thing I can do to improve myself/learn from this.

    Please help me, I’m consumed with guilt.

    #871692 Reply
    avatarMaybe
    Guest

    Nope. Don´t tell him.
    Like you said, it lasted a few seconds, didn´t mean anything to you, and you already made changes to ensure nothing like this will happen again.

    Maybe think if there´s something missing in your relationship. Perhaps you want to go out more, or do more fun careless things. Figure it out and use this fuck up like a starting point to improve your relationship even more.

    #871698 Reply
    CopaCopa
    Participant

    Ehh. So I’m normally someone who thinks you should tell the other person so they can decide if they want to stay with you or work through things. But if you’re on the verge of breaking up anyway, I don’t see a point. Telling him would only be to ease your own guilt. If your relationship is already on life support, end it already and keep this indiscretion to yourself.

    Also, you ARE the kind of girl who ruins relationships and cheats on your boyfriend because you literally did that when you made out with a guy in front of his girlfriend.

    #871702 Reply
    avatarVathena
    Guest

    Usually I’m in the “don’t tell” camp when it is a one-time mistake that won’t happen again. In this case, it depends on how likely it is that he finds out from someone else. Obviously this was not discreet at all since you did it right in front of the other guy’s girlfriend. How many other people saw? How many other people know? Does your boyfriend know any of the people you went out with that night? If there is any chance he finds out about it from someone else, you need to tell him first. Also, if you’ve suddenly 100% given up drinking, he may not buy the “really bad hangover” excuse. I think if you were formerly a social drinker and didn’t regularly binge, a sudden change like that is going to raise some suspicion. (Not that quitting drinking is a bad thing! You completely should if it feels like the right thing for you.)

    #871703 Reply
    avatarPeggy
    Guest

    I think you should be quiet about it and learn from it,as Maybe and Copa said. I do not understand how you and your BF are “so in love and happy”,but are on the verge of breaking up? What is up with that?

    #871706 Reply
    bagge72bagge72
    Participant

    It’s not her relationship that’s on the verge of breaking up, it’s the guy she kissed.

    If there is anyway he can find this out from someone else maybe tell him, if not I would just leave it alone.

    Also did you kiss him, or did he kiss you?

    #871708 Reply

    I think she meant the old crush and his gf are on the verge of a breakup.

    Would this break up your relationship? Did he kiss you?

    Would you want to know if your bf did this?

    I agree you should not tell him unless there’s a chance someone else will.

    #871712 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    He’s entitled to know. You made out with another guy in public. He’s entitled to make an informed decision about whether he wants to be with you.

    #871713 Reply
    avatarClaire
    Guest

    He kissed me, but I didn’t immediately stop him which is why I feel awful. We didn’t kiss in front of his girlfriend, the bar is right across the street from their apartment and in some freak series of events she just happened to see it.

    There’s very little chance of him finding out unless the girlfriend messages him. He has never met any of these people before and I don’t plan on visiting again for at least a couple of years.

    Truthfully, I dont know if this type of thing would break us up. I would like to think he has enough faith in me and would see it for what it is, which is a huge mistake that I can learn from. But at the same time he may have zero tolerance for this type of thing (I jsut dont know because we’ve never been through something like this and he’s never been in a relationship where “cheating” occurred). I dont think I’d want to know if the roles were reversed because it would just make me paranoid/insecure.

    As for the drinking, I dont drink a lot. I just drink too much when I do and I’ve been saying for a long time that I dont find it worth it/fun. Me quitting wont be suspicious for him. Its really just a last straw for me.

    Thank you for all your advice, I really appreciate it.

    #871714 Reply
    avatarClaire
    Guest

    Sorry I meant to add that when I said “one relationship is on the verge of a break up” I meant the other couple.

    My boyfriend and I are by all means very happy.

    #871717 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    I think you have two reasonable options here:

    1. Tell him and tell him that you’re going to cut this person out of your life. They aren’t important to you and you had a drunken moment of 15 year old you getting to kiss your crush. You’ll leave this whole mess in the past if he’s willing to do the same. You figure out how to drink at a pace that is much more reasonable for you.

    2. You don’t tell him and you still cut this person out of your life and you figure out how to drink at a pace that is reasonable for you (if at all).

    Which scenario hurts your boyfriend less – even if it hurts you more. That’s the path to take.

    #871718 Reply
    avatarClaire
    Guest

    Agreed with the sentiments above. He is not going to be a part of my life anymore regardless of what path I take.

    Not relevant but what’s even more embarrassing about this whole ordeal is that he was a childhood family friend and his family probably hates me now too if they know. I’ve known them since I was 3. It’s just an unfortunate event all around. So stupid.

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