- This topic has 29 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 6 months ago by Sofia.
SofiaMay 17, 2022 at 5:17 pm #1109530
Hope I can find some useful advices on this really weird situation I’m in right now. Thank you in advance:
I’m so confused with life. But not any type of confused. Not the “easy type” of confused. It’s a multidimensional confusion. I feel like im in a roundabout right now in my life.
A really special, but tough one.. that could initially be beautiful.. but can also be really sad .. I might gain everything or loose anything at the same time..
Im in love. I met this guy. He’s 32 and I’m 23. Met him here in Dubai a bit more than 4 months ago.
I met him and knew he was the one. I felt it. I wanted to believe in it and still do. I loved him. Everything. Every single thing about him. But it didn’t feel like the crazy in love, more like the rational in love that ended up being the passionately in love, built on facts, countless hours of discussion, a lot of respect, meetings and meetings, him and I, him and I with friends, lots of laugher, synchronization, common goals, same aspirations, same level of consciousness.. a solid base. And yes of course, I fell madly in love with him. I met my soulmate.
I started talking about him to friends and family. Really gradually. Everyone seemed so happy. I was so happy. Never felt that happy. I found the man of my life. Finally. Him. The one I thought didn’t even exist. The one I admired. The one I looked up to.. the one I really believed in.
My mom was so happy. We started talking about marriage, about where. About the ring. About wedding presents. She wanted to meet him so bad. She told her friends about him. She was so happy and excited. Just as I was. I felt understood. I felt like for the first time, I made the right choice. Someone that is going to make my family proud, and someone my family will finally accept.
Comes the day he meets my brother. After meeting my sister. I regret this day a lot. I didn’t do things correctly I guess, although I know I shouldn’t take the blame. There was no conversation whatsoever between my brother and him. My boyfriend got a really bad news from work this day, and he wasn’t being himself at that dinner. My brother cried after this meeting. By himself. He told my mom. My sister confirmed she didn’t have an amazing feeling with him either.
My mom changed her mind, she doesn’t love him anymore. She feels strange about him. She’s not reassured.
“He’s not made for you. You’re brother is so scared. So scared for you. He thinks you deserve better. He’s not from your standards” what are even MY standards ? He doesn’t come from the same background.. WHICH BACKGROUND. There are so many people coming from the same background as I come from and I’ll never be able to date them..
“Anyways, in any case, don’t even mention to me the word «wedding». I don’t want to know about that, is this ok?”
You just live your life and we’ll see later
This day, I cried. I cried a lot. I cried because it hurts. Someone you love being undervalued when you value him so much.by your family.
Feels like a nightmare, feels so strange; that my mind is in pause right now. Although I feel extremely sad, I just don’t feel nothing at the same time. I feel empty. That would be the word. So empty. I don’t know what to think or what to feel about that..
In the meantime, he wants to move to Nigeria for work. He wants to go there to work because he thinks he has once in a lifetime opportunity. I think it might be the case. I encourage him to go but struggles to go without me.. he can’t imagine going there if I don’t join him in a year or so, although he really understands I can’t promise anything now.
I want to go but can’t face my parents. If I go I have to get engaged to him. They don’t want to hear about engagement and my dad doesn’t know anything about him yet..
I want my family to see him as I see him.. because the saddest part is that my family is making me see him differently. I am scared now. Because I thought I met the one, but then they are making me reconsider EVERYTHING I THOUGHT.. I am really sad.
I really thought he was the one. I felt it like I didn’t feel anything before.
At this point, I just want my family to understand me. My brother told me over the phone today that I deserve better. But is it even true? Do I actually deserve better ? Am I being blind? Is he not manly enough for me? Not as determined as I expect him to be? Am I in love or just blind, as they all comment..
I hope not the second one.
The thing is that I know that if they change their mind completely regarding him I’ll see him with good eyes. So basically my family has just really a lot of influence over me .. and in any case, I love him and for me the only thing that makes sense right now is fighting for our love.MojoMay 17, 2022 at 10:23 pm #1109533
Sofia, I can understand how this would be a rough situation. I think getting more information from your brother and sister about their meeting with this man is critical. Something has them deeply concerned.
Ask your brother and sister what has them so worried. Ask for specifics. Regardless of what they say, try to remain calm and listen carefully. Is this man from another culture, and if so, is that what worries your siblings? Does he have different relationship expectations than you? Are your siblings worried because he is older than you? Does he have different religious beliefs? Is it something else?
Things that make a relationship more likely to fail include financial troubles, poor ethics,religious differences, disrespect, cultural differences, age differences, unequal sex drives, immaturity,long-distance relationships,different expectations, job stresses, emotional baggage,etc. After talking with your siblings, count how many of these red flags are present.
You will know more about what you should do after you talk with your siblings. Let them speak even if you don’t agree with what they say.
It is generally unwise to become engaged or married to someone after only four months.The first six months or so seem like a magical fairy tale. After a year or 18 months, you will transition from fairy tale love to steady love. Then you will know if you have a lasting love and commitment to this man. You can test this in a long-distance relationship.
Yeah, there’s a lot of red flags happening here. It’s quite possible your family has a very valid reason for disliking this man, though it’s possible they might have an unfair bias. It’s hard to figure out with the information presented here.
What I don’t see is what the hurry is. You say
“I want to go but can’t face my parents. If I go I have to get engaged to him. They don’t want to hear about engagement and my dad doesn’t know anything about him yet.”
Why do you have to be engaged?
The bottom line is this: If what you say is true and you two are truly meant to be together, then the timeline doesn’t actually matter. Whether your engaged now or two years from now, whether you marry a month from now or 10 years from now, if this relationship is truly built to last it will work out.
So slow down. Listen to what your family has to say. Come back and share what their objections are and we can discuss where to go from there.ronMay 18, 2022 at 12:21 pm #1109557
Too early to follow him to another country.
Also, I just want to point out: You’re ready to leave your family, your friends, your job, and your entire life to be with him so he can go work in Nigeria. But he’s not willing to pass up a job to be with you? This doesn’t seem like a balanced relationship.
So, your soulmate didn’t speak to your brother or sister when he went to expressly meet them, in the hopes of getting your family’s permission to ask for your engagement? In which case, he messed up, big time. That’s not really your responsibility. You have one chance for a good first impression. He’s a grown adult man, and I guarantee he knows that. He could have postponed or canceled if he was so devastated by work news. All that’s beyond the point, though.
I agree that you should talk to your family. How much time did you really spend with him in person? I would hesitate to get engaged to move to another country to be with him. That’s a lot. You’re so young. It’s incredibly risky in the best of circumstances.
Your family might be on to something? I know that’s hard to hear but when people love and want the best for you sometimes they have dramatic reactions like this when they feel something isn’t right.DaisyMay 18, 2022 at 6:14 pm #1109566
I think it’s a very bad idea to move to another country where you have no family, no friends, and no job, with a man you have only been dating for 4 months. Even if you have been happily married to someone for many years, that kind of move is really really hard on a relationship. You will basically be dependent on this man in every way, and if things go bad you will have nowhere to go.
I like the advice to talk to your brother and sister and find out more about what they dislike about this guy. Sometimes when you are in the early stages of love, it’s easy to ignore the other person’s faults or ways that you are incompatible. But after you have been together for a long time, those things can become big problems. Your family members have a level of objectivity that you don’t, because you are emotionally involved. If you have a good relationship with your family, it’s worth really listening to what they have to say.PhoebeMay 19, 2022 at 10:43 am #1109589
I’m kind of curious what your boyfriend thinks of your family. And I’m still a bit confused on that part. Did he just not speak? Was he acting shy, or rudely? Does he know he messed up, and does he care? If this was a really bad day for him, is there a reason he can’t have a second opportunity to get to know your family?ronMay 19, 2022 at 12:25 pm #1109598
Consider the possibility that this guy love-bombed you with ulterior motives. Raising the issue of you needing to move to another country, very far from home, this quick, should be a big red flag. High odds he becomes an entirely different person than you think he is, once he gets you to move with him.
His description of his side of his interaction with your family is very strange. A bad day at work, so he doesn’t talk to your family members who have doubts about him, and the instant solution is for you to follow him to Nigeria. Something smells very off about all of this.
I’ve been happily with my husband for 14 years and I am certain he’s the one for me, but I wouldn’t say I love everything about him. He has flaws – we all do. That’s part of being human. He’s been honest with me about his flaws from the start. If you aren’t seeing flaws, if you think everything about your guy is perfect, then you aren’t seeing clearly. You don’t have to be a perfect person to be perfect for each other. But you do need to be aware of each other’s flaws and how they affect your relationship, and how both the good and the bad mesh and be able to see that the good vastly outweighs the bad. And 4 months just isn’t enough time to be able to accurately measure that. It’s long enough to know that you love what you know about him so far, but not long enough to know him deeply. So I would tread carefully here if your family are so adamantly concerned and slow down a bit. What specifically is upsetting your family about him? You’re being very vague, and I don’t think that’s serving anyone.
I’ve found that the best way for family to come around and see your relationship positively is for them to have lots of time to observe you two as a couple and see for themselves, again and again, that you two try to make each other happy. That you treat each other with grace and consideration and loving care. If they repeatedly see that, they are more likely to come around. So if you want to fight for that have him keep coming around, let them see the health and joy you two bring each other. Let them see that he cares about your well being as much as they do.
I’m concerned about his response to your family situation. Your family doesn’t like him. Rather than staying and trying to get to know them more and maybe negate some of that first impression, he’s decided to move far away and have you follow and move away from your family. That’s…a very concerning reaction. That should give you pause. That’s the kind of thing a dangerous, abusive man would do.
You’ve been so vague about what negatives they’re seeing that I can’t tell if he’s showing warning signs of being dangerous. So I’m going to go ahead and post this list of warning signs of an abusive relationship. You can look over it for yourself and see if any more of these are things your family is bringing up. If he has multiples of these signs, you are better off ending the relationship.
PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT — Comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
JEALOUS — Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone”; checks the mileage on your car.
CONTROLLING — If you are late, interrogates you intensively about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS — Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
ISOLATION — Tries to isolate you from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.” The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES — It’s always someone else’s fault if something goes wrong.
MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS — The abuser says, “You make me angry” instead of “I am angry,” or says, “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.”
HYPERSENSITIVITY — Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN — Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partners will also abuse children.
“PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE DURING SEX — Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
VERBAL ABUSE — Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation or waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
RIGID EXPECTATIONS — Demands that you serve, obey and remain at home.
SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS — Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
PAST BATTERING — Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him (or her) do it.
THREATS OF VIOLENCE — Says things like, “I’ll break your neck” or “I’ll kill you,” and then dismisses them with, “Everybody talks that way,” or “I didn’t really mean it.”