Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I met someone, but I screwed it all up because I’m afraid to be gay

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice I met someone, but I screwed it all up because I’m afraid to be gay

Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #1097480 Reply
    RandomSadGuy
    Guest

    I’m a recently 22-year-old college student, with absolutely no relationship experience. Living in a highly conservative (think “Fox News is too liberal”, literal swastikas hanging on the wall “conservative”) family, I’ve spent my life doing everything possible to hide the fact I’m gay, all the while hoping somehow I was not.

    I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am, and that’s not going to change, but I still have to hide it. In fact, just hiding it isn’t good enough. At home, I must be gay if I’m not actively lusting after and borderline sexually harassing women. It’s exhausting. Having been homeschooled on top of this, I’ve never had the chance to meet or tell anyone. I’ve never been on a date, never been kissed… I’ve never even been hugged, and I’m a very hugg-y kind of person.

    I finally left home a year ago to start college, and I’ve probably met more people in a few months than I had the previous 21 years of my life. The freedom I have now is amazing. Sadly, though, my school is pretty small (~2,100 students), and the LGBT population on campus is tiny (a college equivalent of a gay-straight alliance tried to start up, but gave up after months of being harassed and having found only 5 LGBT-identifying people to join). The city my school is in isn’t super LGBT-friendly, and isn’t really a “college town”, so people don’t really leave campus. That is to say that my dating/gay friend-making prospects are pretty small.

    I spent this last summer interning at a large state university that’s a 4 or 5 hour drive from my school. While there, I met this guy that I was almost instantly head-over-heels for. I can’t possibly begin to describe how sweet, smart, and absolutely adorable he is. I’m talking one of those people that you meet and just go “wow”.

    We have a lot of common interests and, although I admittedly only had the chance to talk to him a few times, it was amazing to be around him. No one had ever made me feel fluttery before, until him. I really, really liked him.

    I have absolutely no “gaydar”, though, and I’ve still never told anyone that I’m gay, so there was no chance that I’d ever even think about saying anything to him, although I really wanted to. Still, there were a couple of times I thought he may have been flirting with me. The first time I met him, for instance, we ended up talking about relationships at one point, and he made a couple of super vague comments that I interpreted as saying he was gay and was having a hard time with it. He then insinuated that I “had been there”. I brushed it off as hopeful thinking and ignored it.

    I’m back at my home school, now, and a few days ago I was talking with a friend I’d made over the summer, who had also met this guy once or twice. As it turns out, he was not only gay, but everyone thinks he liked me. Looking back now, it’s so incredibly obvious that he did. I can’t stop looking back at all the things he said and realizing that he was so very clearly trying to tell me he was gay.

    After the initial high of knowing someone I liked so much, and who’s wayyy out of my league, was into me, I can’t help but feel sad and frustrated. I screwed it up. I would’ve done next to anything to be with him. He was so incredibly sweet, so comfortable and fun to be around. He was one of the few people I’ve met that was actually interested in listening to the (very) nerdy things I like to talk about. He had the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen, and one of those too-good-to-be-true movie start smiles. I wanted to hold him soooo bad.

    We don’t have any mutual friends. I never had the courage to ask for his number. I can’t find him anywhere on social media. I have the number of his room mate, who might have his number, but it feels creepy to ask someone I don’t really know for his number only to text him out of the blue. What would I even say? It just hurts to know what could’ve been :(.

    I’ve wanted someone for a long time. It suck to just wait around, I’m not the sort of person that likes to be alone. He was everything I could’ve asked for.

    I know the odds of me finding anyone else are slim to none. The dating pool at my school and in my town is absolutely tiny. I’ve tried Grindr, I’ve tried Tinder, and all the hundreds of other dating apps out there. They’re all garbage. Knowing that I could’ve had him, I don’t want anyone else. I want him. And it would take a miracle for that to happen.

    What would you do? Is there anything I can do?

    #1097491 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I think just see this as a positive indication that you could have good, happy, romantic feelings for a guy and it could be fun and comfortable. This was a crush, you only talked to him a few times, you don’t know what he’s really like. He sounds very very charismatic, which is generally not a great sign that someone will be a wonderful committed romantic partner to you. You know very little about him and have no way to get in touch. If he had social media I’d say sure, hit him up, but there’s probably a reason he doesn’t. I would say just move on with your life, don’t get obsessed, and focus on a future where you can move to a place like the big state uni town where you were interning. Somewhere with a gay community, bars and clubs you can go to, organizations you can join, etc. Can you not transfer to a different school?

    #1097492 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    Make plans to be able to attend the state university without parental support and just go and stay there at the earliest opportunity, perhaps start of next school year. A homophobic family with swastikas in the home is not a place you can safely live. They will figure out that you are gay. They don’t sound ‘conservative’, they sound neo-Nazi.

    #1097501 Reply
    FYI
    Guest

    Well, deep breaths. It’s great that you met someone you liked, and I can certainly understand that it was like water in the desert (a horrible neo-Nazi desert). Before you get mad at yourself for blowing an opportunity though, please know that if you move, then you can have millions of opportunities like that one, or probably better.

    I know, I know, no one can be better than that guy. I get it. But if you’ve been eating disgusting gruel for 22 years, then any old burger is gonna seem like a filet mignon.

    You’ll get to the banquet. Just don’t make it worse for yourself by thinking you did something wrong. You didn’t. You’ll have other chances with many other people. Keep moving forward.

    #1097514 Reply
    Bittergaymark
    Guest

    The goid news is you now know what you want. And there’s never been a more accepting to be gay than it is today. Check out the gay gay gay MTV awards. (But brace yourself for drama with your fsmily. Seek out all the other support you can for that.)

    If you really remain smitten with this guy. Give your number to somebody who knows him.

    #1097562 Reply
    RandomSadGuy
    Guest

    > Can you not transfer to a different school?

    Sadly, I couldn’t afford to transfer to another school (for example, I inquired, and transferring to this big state school would cost thousands to tens of thousands after aid). I was very lucky in that I’m going to a “prestigious” school (think Georgetown, etc… I have no clue how someone thought I’m qualified to be here) that covers full financial need. I have effectively a full ride, which I’m incredibly grateful for, I just wish it was enjoyable.

    #1097563 Reply
    RandomSadGuy
    Guest

    Sadly, I couldn’t afford to transfer to another school (for example, I inquired, and transferring to this big state school would cost thousands to tens of thousands after aid). I was very lucky in that I’m going to a “prestigious” school (think Georgetown, etc… I have no clue how someone thought I’m qualified to be here) that covers full financial need. I have effectively a full ride, which I’m incredibly grateful for, I just wish it was enjoyable and that I could be comfortable here.

    #1097565 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Well, you will have to just get through it and come out on the other side with a degree that lets you go where you want. And try to spend summers doing internships elsewhere.

    #1097566 Reply
    FYI
    Guest

    If you’re at a prestigious school, how is it that the town is not really a university town? You might consider taking advantage of the counseling services at your school.

    #1097874 Reply
    PassingBy
    Guest

    Could you expand on why you think the apps are garbage?

    I’m asking because they’re a very useful tool. It’s one of the few places where you know that everyone on there is gay.

    What I find useful is to describe what you’re looking for in your profile. Yes, there are tons of guys who are just looking for quick sex, but if you say what you’re looking for in your profile, you’re more likely to attract the smaller number of guys who are looking for a relationship.

    Removing the “is he gay or not” from the equation can make things way easier.

Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)
Reply To: I met someone, but I screwed it all up because I’m afraid to be gay
Your information: