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Dear Wendy

“I Miss Living Close to My Kids”

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  • #850401 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy

    From a LW:

    “I am a 45 year old stay at home mom at the moment, of a 7 year old daughter. I have been married to my current DH for 3 years, togather for 9 years. However, I have a 28 year old son and a 26 year old daughter that lives 6 hours from me. They are still in my hometown,.Also, my son and DIL just welcomed a baby girl 15 days ago. My DH has 2 daughters from a previous marriage that live within 30 mins from us now. (We see them 1 time a month, their choice) Furthermore we are living with my husband’s parents. We have lived with them for almost 2 years. They make me (not DH or granddaughters) very unwelcome on a daily basis. Everytime I mention moving out of their house, my DH comes up with many reasons why we should stay. Including a quilt trip about how our daughter loves it here. Recently I discovered that my husband and his ex-wife also lived with his parents & all of his previous GF’s. I was lied to about that until just recently, among lots of other things too. I’ve become very depressed and withdrawn from my DH. I’m so angry that I live so far away from my older children and granddaughter. However I have my 7 year old to consider also! What do I do? He has lied to me for so many years and now I can’t trust him. I want to move back home. Please help! “

    #850405 Reply

    You need to visit a lawyer to find out what options you have. If the visit costs a few hundred dollars it is well worth the cost to figure out how to get out of this mess. If you are totally financially dependent on your husband you should be able to get both alimony and child support. The alimony would probably be for a set amount of time.

    If you are in the US you can’t take your young daughter 6 hours from her father without her consent. My cousin had to get the consent of her ex to move her daughter 4 hours away from where they were living. He agreed because he never showed up anyway.

    One thing you can do right away is to get a job. Don’t be dependent on a man who isn’t trustworthy and his parents who are rude. Start building independence. That will be good for you and a good example for your daughter. Get a job and start saving money. You can use some of your first paycheck to visit a lawyer. Check in with a temp agency or check online for jobs.

    The other thing you could do right away is enroll in a course that will help you to improve your job skills.

    #850409 Reply

    Two different things going on here.

    First, its fairly common these days for grown children to not live near their parents. My brother and I moved to other states for work, my sister lives 6 hours away from my parents. Typically it is the child moving away rather than the parent, but plenty of parents also retire to Florida or whatever and don’t stick around their old hometowns after the kids are grown and established. I would separate that from the other issue which is..

    Your husband clearly has some weird codependent umbilical cord thing going on with his mother. And either was really good at lying to you for years, or you were willfully blind to the obvious. Unfortunately its really hard to do anything in this scenario when you’re a SAHM. Can you get a job? your daughter is presumably in school most of the day so that should free you up for at least part time work. You need your own money so you can control your own life.

    #850410 Reply

    If at least one of the grandparents is retired the daughter could go straight home after school. His parents might feel taken advantage of by the DIL who doesn’t work. I have to wonder if it would help to get a job and pay them some amount each week or each paycheck, even if only $50. Getting a job would also get you out of their house and away from them for the time that you are at work. I think that’s a bonus along with the personal income. It would also help you to meet more people and build friendships outside his family. That helps you to build your own support network. If and when you leave him you would have caring people around you, even if you can’t move back to your hometown.

    At the very least. Every day, while your daughter is in school, get out and go for a long walk. The exercise will help to lift your mood. I know a 90 year old lady who gets out and walks 1.5 miles every day, regardless of weather. She only skips her walk if the sidewalk is coated with ice. If she can make it out every day so can you. If school hasn’t started yet, where you live, take your daughter on the walk with you. Include a playground on your walk circuit and stop there and let her play. You will get to socialize with other parents or some grandparents while your daughter gets to play. That’s a win for both of you.

    #850412 Reply

    As you look for a job, start documenting everything. Any outbursts, verbal abuse, neglect, failure to show up to your child’s events. Document who does the day to day care for your child. Password protect this documentation! Talk to a lawyer about what you should do next. Living in disfunction with constant lying can leave you unable to see the truth. A job will not only give you independence, it will put you around people who aren’t touched in the head.

    #850416 Reply

    The big change in LW’s life is that she is now a grandmother and wants to live near her grandchild. Everything else seems to be what she has bought into for at least two years. She’s been with this guy for 9 years. Had a child with him 7 years ago, married him 3 years ago, moved in with his parents 2 years ago. Now the presence of a grandchild back in her hometown has changed her viewpoint.

    It sounds like she and husband have lived apart from his parents for 7 years. What prompted the move-in. Did they have financial problems and this was a necessity? It wasn’t birth of their child, that was a year earlier. Presumably she’s been with this guy, far away from her kids for 9 years.

    I’m not sure what the big lie was here. For at least part of his marriage to ex they lived with his parents. Is that really any of her business? He may well have also lived independently with his ex during much of their relationship and like LW, the ex then agreed to move in with his parents. Was this an actual lie or just not mentioned? In either case, LW decided that she would move into her husband’s parents house. Why? And lots and lots of parents of 7-year olds are not SAHMs.

    Conveniently not mentioned in all of this is why this LW who feels so bad not living near her two kids voluntarily moved 6 hours away. Her choice.

    #850418 Reply

    My guess is the lie was related to him having literally never lived away from his parents. He probably said he moved back home after a breakup or something and promised her them living there would be temporary. But the LW made the mistake of marrying this dude and procreating instead of waiting to see if he made good on his promises.

    Look, LW, realistically your husband is not going to change. So you need to decide if you’re good to live this way permanently, and if you aren’t you need to be the one to change. The advice outlined above is good. Talk to a lawyer, start documenting everything (who pays for what, who takes care of your daughter, verbal or emotional abuse you experience), get a job, gather the documentation you will need to leave, and prepare to ditch this guy. You could try couples counselling but i would talk to a lawyer first

    #850426 Reply

    This is why popping out a family with every lover strikes me as… well, pretty fucking stupid. NEWSFLASH: Your genes are about as great as your taste in men.

    #850433 Reply

    Edit: Like Ron, I also fail to see much of a lie here…

    #850449 Reply

    She said that he constantly lies to her, she doesn’t trust him, and his parents are verbally abusive to her. I agree that she seems to have tolerated this for a long time. All the more reason to stop now.

    “Your genes are as good as your taste in men” Thanks BGM for this gem!

    #850455 Reply

    Thank you all for the replies.

    I feel I might need to clarify some things or should I say give more history.

    I was married at 16. Had 2 children by 19 & worked all my life until 3 years ago. I was married to my first husband for 19 years. 

    I met my current husband now, by chance & his very charming ways just made me melt. He treated me like I had never in my life been treated. I fell hard!
    I DID NOT marry him right away though. I waited 6 years to marry him.. Family secrets can go hidden for years, ive come to find out.

    His parents hated me from day 1. They would not even meet me in person until after our daughter was born. At the time I didn’t know why & my hisband did a very good job of manipulating the situation in his favor.

    Come to find out just recently that my husband was married when he met me & lied about it. I HAD NO IDEA!  I was divorced and he said he was too. Hes a pipeliner so he was always away from home! Ive been taken for a fool & now our daughter is caught up in this! And as far as having my daughter, I was told he was sterile and the 1 time we didn’t use protection, I get pregnant at 37. I wouldn’t change having her for anything in this world.

    We can financally live on our own. However my husband keeps telling me its not the right time.

    Betrayed!!!! Deceived!!!! So many feelings.

    I need advice. Not any rude or nasty comments from anyone. Ask me any questions you want. I will answer them, so that maybe there can be a better understanding.

    Thanks to all.

    #850456 Reply

    Married when he met you. Yes, that’s a very big lie that you didn’t mention I initial letter. It also explains why his mother dislikes you so much — she sees you as a homewrecker who chased a married man. Working as a pipeliner gives him ample opportunity to cheat, as he did with you and is probably doing to you now. It also makes living with his parents worse, because he’s away from home a lot.

    You say you always worked until 3 years ago. So you worked when your 7-year old was a baby/toddler. Why did you stop working? You need to start working again and you need to move out of his parents’ home. Maybe he’ll willingly move back to your hometown with you, maybe this will be the end of your marriage. It doesn’t sound like you want to stay married to him under these circumstances, anyhow.

    I think you do need to get some therapy once you move out. You seem to fall for men very fast. Married and pregnant at 16. A whirlwind relationship with current husband — a player who knew exactly how to play you.

    The other unanswered question, since you said you were willing to answer: Why did you agree to move in with his parents 5 years after getting together with this guy and a year after your youngest was born? You were a SAHM, so you didn’t need child-care help from his family. I guess second question: when did you move from your hometown and where did you and this guy live before you moved into his parents’ house? I guess one final question: apart from saying ‘ti’s not time’, has he ever given you an even half-way logical reason for first moving into his family home and now refusing to leave?

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