Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I Miss Living Close to My Kids”

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Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 29 total)
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  • #850458 Reply
    avatarLW
    Guest

    I agree my taste in men sucks!!!!
    However that doesn’t change the fact that I’m trying to do what is best for our daughter.
    The schools in this state are better than the schools in my hometown state. They get better scores & etc. Let me put it that way.

    We moved in with his parents, because he wanted our daughter at the same school he went to. He promised me that it wouldnt be for long and as soon as a rent house became available that we would move. I find rent houses all the time & he finds something wrong with all of them. I am trying to find a job. I don’t ask, nor does she(MIL) offer to help keep our daughter. Plus my daughter doesnt like being around them if me or my husband arent here. We lived on the road or in my hometown up until time for school.

    #850459 Reply
    avatarLW
    Guest

    I see myself as a very smart, intelligent, wise woman.

    I love this man. Or should I say I love the man I thought he was.

    #850461 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    I think you need to start therapy right away. You need to leave this situation, but you don’t seem ready to do that. Your husband lying about being sterile is reprehensible and likely falls under a type of abuse called reproductive coercion. You were also his unwilling affair partner. He’s shown you who he is, and while that may be hard to accept you need to believe him and get yourself and your daughter out. Therapy to help you come to terms with the betrayals and make a plan to get out of this marriage. Talk to an attorney as well, and get a job asap.

    #850463 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    How could you possibly love someone who lied over and over and over, and who continues to lie to you? That’s not love; that’s wishful thinking. Though he’s lying, the problem is not him. The problem is your desperation to attach to someone — the obvious lie of sterility more than 7 years ago should’ve been a deal-breaker. Why are you tolerating all this?

    You say your daughter doesn’t want to be alone with the grandparents, and yet your husband claims she loves living there?

    Get therapy, a lot of it, and get work.

    #850467 Reply

    Contact a lawyer first. Divorce your husband. Get back to work full time.

    He’s not the man you thought he was. There were many red flags that you recount here that you didn’t notice or ignored. You might be smart, but you missed a lot of things that have led you down this path. His parents have always hated you and wouldn’t even meet you and you never bought to question why? He lived with them throughout that time? He lied to you about being sterile? He won’t let you move out? Do you have any control over your life?

    You realize “better schools” don’t necessarily mean this is the better place for your daughter. Think of the role model you’re being right now. Staying, in spite of this dysfunction. Staying, despite the lies and coercion. You’re teaching her what relationships are supposed to be like, in a house where no one likes you, where he controls your finances, too? This isn’t healthy, it’s harmful. Move back home. Spend some time in therapy. Don’t have sex without protection.

    #850470 Reply
    SkyblossomSkyblossom
    Participant

    First, get a job. You need to have some independent money to pay for a lawyer and to start saving to get your own place.

    1. Get a job.
    2. See a lawyer.
    3. Get a bank account that is just yours. Do you still have an account where you used to live?
    4. Get a PO box so that things like bank statements and other private papers won’t be seen by your husband.
    5. Make copies of all important documents. Send a set of your copies to each of your adult kids for safe keeping.

    Use your public library to search for jobs and lawyers and for anything else you don’t want your husband to see. They will have public computers. Your husband may watch everything you do on your home computer. He may remote in.

    Talk to the lawyer about taking your daughter for a visit to your hometown that you lengthen out until you are living there. The US is part of an agreement that custody is settled at the location of residence. If you just take your daughter without your husband’s consent you can lose custody to him.

    Your husband has made you dependent on him and his parents. Not only that, he has you living with his parents so he is less likely to have to worry about you cheating on him or packing up your daughter and leaving when he goes away for work. He has made you financially dependent. The first thing is to break that dependency. Being independent gives you options.

    #850471 Reply
    SkyblossomSkyblossom
    Participant

    When does school start or has it already started? Could you take your daughter back to your hometown for a visit before school starts? You could at least open a bank account while you were there and look into the job situation. You might also be able to consult with a lawyer while you were there.

    #850473 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Let this be a lesson to others. If somebody lies to You about being sterile that is a sign from God to have an abortion. No, seriously.
    .
    Now you are tied to this loser forever. Even if you get divorced. You will still have to coparent with this dolt.
    .
    Good Luck.

    #850474 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    You’re talking about a daughter in elementary school. I guarantee you that your husband did not attend the only good elementary school in the nation. As you have learned, there are also rentals in the area which would allow your daughter to (unnecessarily) attend your husband’s alma mater, which he seems to revere with the passion of one who never progressed beyond the 6th grade.

    You consider yourself a smart, intelligent, wise woman? Perhaps you are smart and intelligent, but you have not been wise to land in your current situation. Being married and pregnant at 16, did you even graduate high school. Education and successful life experience are a part of wisdom.

    #850481 Reply
    avatarSilvermoonlight
    Guest

    God, what a mess. And your poor, innocent daughter will bear the worst of it because her mother is too gullible and her father is too sociopathic.

    What do you do?

    1) Get a job. Yesterday. Tap your network for any leads. You can post on DW, so clearly you have access to the internet. Use that to create the most banging resume and LinkedIn profile, and then post that stuff on every job site. Cold connect with recruiters and headhunters for companies/industries that interest you. Take any job that is even halfway decent and sustainable.

    2) Get a job. I know I already said ithis, but it’s so important, I’m saying it again. You will never have a single leg to stand on–financially, legally, socially, emotionally, physically–until you get a job.

    3) Consult a divorce and family lawyer. Lay out the whole situation and understand what your options are. Every day you subject your poor, innocent daughter to this insane, toxic dysfunction is another day you are literally ruining her life. She deserves better.

    4) See a therapist if you have the time/means.

    5) Start getting over this man. You don’t love him. You love an illusion of him that never existed. Getting over that love will not be easy or fast, but the sooner you begin the grieving process and can get to emotionally neutral, the better it’s going to be for you and your daughter. You need a clear head to navigate the road that lies before you.

    #850490 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    Staying in an abusive situation because the school scores better is bullshit. My son just started kindergarten in my county’s worst scored school. It’s a lovely school! It scores low because it has a large number of special needs students. Absences lower scores & special needs students have more absences. My school also has a large number of English learning students. Obviously, not knowing the language on the test lowers scores. School ratings can’t be taken at face value

    But I doubt any of that matters to you. You are determined to keep your daughter in an abusive household. Everyone here is showing you how you could get out, but you respond back defending your intelligence. I hope you wake up one day and decide your daughter deserves better

    #850493 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    The ongoing obsession with where he went to elementary school on his part is both strange and curious. It’s clearly all just a ruse — so he has an excuse to live with mommy and daddy.

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