Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I need some help with this situation

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by avatar LisforLeslie 5 months ago.

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  • #742622 Reply
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    Felix

    my partner and I are going to be living separately due to circumstances as I’m not enjoying my course at uni but they like their course so I’m moving to where they come from but the thing is one of our mates is a big stoner, I asked them to not smoke weed as it fucked up their anxiety and paranoia badly plus they have the psychological addiction and I have talked to them about it and they say that they’ll try but I just feel like that they wont try, I did try to talk to them about it but it escalated quickly and I’m debating upon sending message about my feelings but I don’t even know if that will help and it’s now making me feel even worse than the stress of not enjoying my course

    #742623 Reply
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    JD

    One, embrace punctuation, PLEASE! I can barely comprehend what you wrote.
    Two, um so a friend smokes? I am so confused, your partner? Your soon to be roommate? I don’t get it.

    Either way, it isn’t your business if someone wants to smoke. If this is a roommate then don’t live with that person if you don’t like it. If it is your partner you chose to be with someone who smokes or not, if not then move on. Anyone else, mind you own business.

    #742624 Reply
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    Felix

    It’s my significant other and I saw how bad it affected them, I asked before and they did mange to not smoke but I seem to be the one who gives them the strength. I apologize for my bad punctuation, it’s not my strongest of things

    #742625 Reply
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    JD

    Ok, if it is your SO then you really do have to make the decision if you are going to leave over it. It is odd he would want to smoke if it gives him such adverse reactions. If he won’t get some sort of professional help you likely will have to leave. Not easy but you are young, still in college and need to focus on that not a troubled relationship.

    #742636 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    You can’t change someone. You take them as they are, or you decide they’re not the right person for you and you move on.

    You don’t like the way weed affects his personality. You’ve asked him to stop smoking. He hasn’t. It’s time to say goodbye.

    #742646 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I get that gender is fluid, but it’s so painful reading you kids’ letters that only use the pronoun “they.” Unless that’s the pronoun your partner identifies with, can you please just use “he” or “she?”

    He’s not going to stop smoking. You know it, I know it, he knows it, everyone on this thread knows it. Writing out your feelings won’t make him stop. Maybe write it out as a breakup letter. You’re moving away anyway, and you don’t want to be in a relationship with a stoner.

    #742664 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    When you say one of our mates is a big stoner I assume you mean a friend of both you and your partner. Is the stoner mate your partner or is the stoner mate someone who is a bad influence on your partner and your partner smokes far more when around the mate?

    The only way to not have a stoner partner is to only choose partners who aren’t stoners. You won’t change him into the person you wish he was just like he can’t make you into a stoner. When you find you have a basic incompatibility, and that is what this is, you move on because you know it will never work. Yes it hurts emotionally to move on but over the long term you end up much happier. Once you are over this relationship you will be free to find a much better relationship. One where your future partner isn’t a stoner. Be very picky the next time.

    #742964 Reply
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    K4

    OH, HONEY! PUNCTUATION! But honestly, you are acting like this is something horrible. You probably run into at least 5 highly functioning members of society per day who are also stoners. Unless your partner is making bad decisions and not taking care of business then you need to let go and relax. Sounds like you guys are in college. This is standard. It seems like you are the one who is anxious and paranoid not them. So let go and breath. =)

    #742972 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    @K4 He has every right to not want this in his life and to view the anxiety and paranoia as a problem. The way to go about that is to find a different partner.

    #742976 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    “…they did mange to not smoke but I seem to be the one who gives them the strength.”

    OH HELL NO. You are not responsible for managing anyone else’s anxiety, sobriety, insanity or calamity. You manage you. They manage them. It’s ok to provide temporary support for someone – like when someone has the flu.

    #742979 Reply
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    Northern Star

    K4, from the letter: “…it fucked up their anxiety and paranoia badly…”

    So, yeah—there are bad effects in this case. Felix doesn’t have to just deal with it. It is perfectly reasonable to end a relationship with a stoner—or a smoker, or someone who binge drinks. When you choose to do something that makes you deeply unpleasant to be around, there are consequences.

    #742981 Reply
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    MMR

    My interpretation of this letter:
    “I am moving to live with my partner in a different city. One of our friends, whom my partner spends time with, smokes a lot of marijuana. This makes me nervous because when my partner is with this friend, he/she also smokes, even though this exacerbates their anxiety and makes them paranoid. Please, Dear Wendy, whatever shall I do?”

    Felix, if any of this is wrong, please correct it.

    My answer:
    Same as everyone else:
    1. Learn to use grammar.
    2. Accept that your partner is going to smoke weed and decide if that is a deal breaker for you.

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