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I slept with my bestie and blamed her for it

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This topic contains 29 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar Hannanas 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #836575 Reply
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    Razan

    Sally was my best friend, I’ve known her since 4th grade and we even went to college together. She’s been there for me through the thick and thin, no matter what. Every major memory I have since 4th grade, she’s in it. But I ruined everything last year. I was heartbroken after breaking up with my long-term asshole boyfriend. Sally as usual was helping me get through it when I accidentally initiated a kiss that turned into a passionate makeout session, which led eventually to sex. The problem with this is that I’m straight, I’ve never been with a girl prior to that evening. Sally, on the other hand, is bisexual who’s been in various relationships with both women and men. So, as you may expect, I panicked. I asked her like 10 seconds after we were done to leave my house. She was a bit surprised and tried, noticing how freaked out I was getting, to calm me down but I just kept asking her to leave which she eventually did.
    When she showed up at my doorstep two days later, I was very angry and aggressive towards her and I blamed her for what happened between us. She defended herself implying that I was the one who initiated the kiss and that I begged her to continue when we moved on to sex. However, I was heartbroken and vulnerable and I felt she took advantage of that. She knew I was heterosexual, she knew everything about what I was going through. I felt she should’ve known better. She was my best friend after all. Anyway, she managed to apologize eventually but needless to say our friendship ended that day.

    Now before you say anything, I know I acted like a bitch and I caused my best friend a great deal of pain. Though I was in pain too but that’s no excuse. She moved out of the neighborhood not long after, and I’m guessing she did it to get as far away from me as possible, especially after I got back to my boyfriend. We didn’t last long though and I broke up with him for good soon enough.

    I feel terrible. I’ve been feeling terrible for far too long over this. I’ve thought of Sally and of our night of passion probably every minute of every day for the past year. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to get her out of my mind. I tried to reach out to her many times, I sent her emails and texts for months and haven’t got any replies. I even tried to get some help from our mutual friends and I contacted her mother, no one knows what exactly went between us but they all reported back that she refuses to talk about me at all. I JUST WANT HER BACK and I’ll do anything for another chance with her. I realize now that I may not be 100% straight as I thought. Any advice on the proper way to communicate my regret and ask for another chance?

    #836582 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    I’m glad you’ve accepted that you aren’t 100% straight.

    Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s any more you can do. You’ve tried it all and she doesn’t want to respond to you. Somehow, you need to move past this and let it go.

    You say you’ve emailed and texted….have you called her?? Maybe you should try that. Or write her a letter apologizing for your angry reaction to her. And then you need to let it go and stop trying to contact her.

    #836589 Reply
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    Vathena

    Wow, you treated your friend terribly. I suppose you can try to apologize again, but I don’t blame her for wanting to be totally done with you after the way you acted. Some things can’t be gotten over, like she may not be able to get over her so-called best friend enthusiastically initiating sex, then saying horrible things to her the next day. She took advantage of you? You “accidentally” initiated a kiss? That’s bullshit, and you know it, and you knew it then. You may have felt ashamed of having sex with another woman, but that’s no excuse for the way you treated her. If you can’t come to terms with your own sexuality, it might not be a bad idea to speak to a therapist and/or lay off dating for awhile. People who have uncomfortable relationships with themselves can’t form healthy relationships with others.

    #836592 Reply
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    dogmom

    No. Just stop. She hasn’t answered your multiple emails and texts, and she told all your friends that she wants nothing to do with you. Just leave her alone. She knows how to reach you if she ever changes her mind, but if you keep harassing her that’s probably never going to happen.

    #836593 Reply

    Look at what you’re asking for: “way to communicate my regret and ask for another chance”

    This is all about you and what you want.

    If you cared about your friend, your biggest concern would be that you hurt her and wanting to fix that hurt. But, instead, because you’ve “thought of Sally and of our night of passion probably every minute of every day for the past year” you want to fix things FOR YOU.

    We get it. You were probably shocked and angry at coming to the realization that you weren’t “100% straight” – but, from your account, Sally was your friend from the 4th grade who had never done anything to advance on you. So, you turning around and getting angry at her and blaming her for your encounter was totally out of line. You can’t blame her for being hurt and wanting nothing to do with you.

    Your first priority should have been to apologize for the hurt you caused her. Not because it is an attempt to get back with her, but simply because you hurt a friend. You just need to accept the fact that she may not want your apology, or even if she does someday accept it, may not want to restart the friendship. And if she’s purposefully avoiding you and your attempts to communicate, you should take that as your answer and move on.

    #836594 Reply
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    Kate

    Yeah I was going to say this earlier but didn’t: This whole letter is “me me me, I I I.” It’s all about you, and how you feel, and what you want. There’s nothing about how Sally might be feeling or what she might want.

    You might try thinking about it that way and writing one more heartfelt apology that’s about HER, not you. And then let it go, because you behaved horribly, and sometimes you lose friends.

    #836595 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Wow. Am I ever happy to hear Sally is 100% done with you. NEWSFLASH: YOU took advantage of her! YOU initiated the kiss! YOU made it passionate. YOU then fucked her before telling her to fuck off.
    .
    NEWSFLASH: Some dick moves can’t be undone. And some relationships never recover once some selfloathing homophobic idiot — that’s you! — has fucked up so badly that even jaded me GASPS out loud at hearing of your pathetic saga of relentless bad behaviour.
    .
    There is ZERO justification for ANYTHING that you have done to Sally. If she has any brains and self respect — well, then for all of eternity may she continue telling you to fuck off.

    #836596 Reply
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    ron

    The core problem here is that LW has an extreme ‘accepting responsibility for my own actions’ problem. She has undoubtedly lived a life where somebody else was always assigned responsibility when she fucked up. This “she should have known that I’m not that kind of person, so it’s her fault” attitude is a perfect woman-on-woman example of why the ‘you have to believe the accuser’ approach to alleged sexual assaults on campus is an awful approach. This young woman admits to initiating sex and engaging in totally consensual sex, but feels that her best friend basically took advantage of her and raped her — and it all comes down to regret over her voluntary actions don’t match her self-image of who she’s supposed to be. Most sexual assault allegations are valid, but there are far too many confused, misguided young people, like LW, for campuses to jettison due process in response to allegations.

    #836598 Reply
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    MP

    Don’t ask for another chance. You’ve already communicated your regret. She’s already refused your initiations of contact. Any additional reaching out will push this straight into stalker or harasser territory.You were so terrible to Sally and I 100% can’t blame her for not wanting anything to have to do with you.

    Read what you wrote: “When she showed up at my doorstep two days later, I was very angry and aggressive towards her and I blamed her for what happened between us. She defended herself implying that I was the one who initiated the kiss and that I begged her to continue when we moved on to sex. However, I was heartbroken and vulnerable and I felt she took advantage of that. She knew I was heterosexual, she knew everything about what I was going through. I felt she should’ve known better. She was my best friend after all. Anyway, she managed to apologize eventually but needless to say our friendship ended that day.”

    You treated her cruelly for consenting to what YOU initiated. You should be ashamed for how you treated her and how you continue to make this entirely about your needs. Please get into some therapy and stay away from her.

    #836599 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    The LW’s sheer narcissism here coupled by her complete and total wrongness here remains simply epic!

    #836603 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    “I was heartbroken and vulnerable and I felt she took advantage of that. She knew I was heterosexual, she knew everything about what I was going through. I felt she should’ve known better. She was my best friend after all. ”

    You essentially accused someone who’s been your best friend for more than half your life of being a sexual predator. You came on to this woman, used her to make yourself feel better, and then attacked her in the cruelest, most personal way possible. What you did was so selfish and vicious that like BGM, I gasped out loud.

    And you think there’s EVER going to be any chance of coming back from that?

    #836605 Reply
    Kate B.
    Kate B.

    This relationship is 100% over. Sally has told you in no uncertain terms that she wants nothing to do with you. Let her go. Some things can’t be fixed. You blew this thing up and you will just have to live with that.

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