Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I slept with my bestie and blamed her for it

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice I slept with my bestie and blamed her for it

This topic contains 29 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar Hannanas 6 months ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 30 total)
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  • #836608 Reply
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    Miss MJ

    This line says it all ” I’ve been feeling terrible for far too long over this.”

    Seriously? LW, you obviously don’t feel terrible enough. You used your friend for sex, then accused her of taking advantage of you sexually, and now, you think that because you “WANT HER BACK” that there are some magic words you can say that should make her want to be anywhere near you because you believe that you automatically deserve a second chance? JFC.

    You, my dear, are toxic. You’re the toxic friend, the toxic romantic partner, the toxic family member, the toxic whatever that we tell people on this site to avoid at all costs. I sincerely hope for her own sanity and happiness, Sally continues to do so. And, if you have any inclination toward self-betterment, go see a therapist and leave Sally alone. She deserves better than you.

    #836665 Reply
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    PDX816

    I was your friend, it was a slightly different scenario, but I was the friend who was shit all over because someone couldn’t handle their emotions. When she finally calmed down I was told ‘we both acted poorly, lets forget it and move on.’ same selfish, narcissistic bullshit you told your friend. It was all about her. ‘I miss you. my life is harder without you. you should forgive me because i’m still sad months later.’ No, no to all of it. You outed yourself as an untrustworthy, toxic friend and she has enough self worth not to want you in her life. Leave her the fuck alone. Be better to the next person who gives you a chance because this friendship is absolutely done and you have no one to blame for that but yourself.

    #836666 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I knew you weren’t into honesty when you lead off with this.
    ” when I accidentally initiated a kiss” How exactly do you accidentally initiate a kiss? You are still in full blown denial of your responsibility for what happened.

    “She defended herself implying that I was the one who initiated the kiss” Again, you are refusing to take responsibility for initiating a kiss and initiating sex. You did initiate sex. Take responsibility.

    “and that I begged her to continue when we moved on to sex”
    So you begged her to continue with sex and then blame her for having sex even though she seems to have slowed down enough to check with you and see whether you wanted to have sex. You wouldn’t need to beg her to continue if she wasn’t stopping to check on what you wanted.

    You come off as coldly manipulative and cruel. You initiated sex with your friend. You used her for sex and then blamed her for the sex you initiated. How could she possibly know that you would be angry afterward? You wanted it.

    Leave her alone. She deserves better than you, far better than you. Sometimes you blow things up with ugly accusations and then you can never put them back together again. When you refuse to accept that she wants nothing to do with you and you keep pressing her to talk to you, then you become a stalker. Live with the consequences of your selfishness and leave her alone. You used her for sex, blamed her for that sex and then you’ve been stalking her. It’s highly pathetic.

    #836667 Reply
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    saneinca

    Leave Sally alone. What you want does not matter.

    Sally has conveyed strongly that she is no longer interested in being your friend or girlfriend.

    Respect her wishes and don’t be a stalker in addition to the asshole you were before.

    #836668 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    You’ve reached out repeatedly and haven’t gotten a response. She’s not interested in talking to you. She’s not interested in your apologies or friendship. You shouldn’t have contacted her friends or her mom.

    You were a HUGE jerk to her! Like others, I question if you’ve actually taken responsibility for your own actions, but I hope if nothing else you’ll do better in the future.

    #836672 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    The two words that keep coming to mind over this are vile and toxic. You were both. No where do you express any words that show you have any empathy for what she went through. You can’t acknowledge what you did, let alone how that harmed her. Your only regret is that she refuses to be your friend. You don’t seem to regret treating her in such a vile and toxic way. You aren’t agonizing over the pain she feels.

    • This reply was modified 6 months ago by Skyblossom Skyblossom.
    #836676 Reply
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    ron

    Yes, talking to mutual friends and her mom is a huge mistake. That just makes them curious to know what happened. You can’t afford to let that knowledge out. Your ex-friend has done you a solid by keeping quiet about this. In this #MeToo era you will be that special pariah to both male and female potential friends/lovers who has falsely called rape. You are toxic and too dangerous. You take no responsibility for your actions. The whole world needs to understand you and make allowances, and if that doesn’t occur to your satisfaction, then obviously you were sexually assaulted. You aren’t as hetero as you thought you were and you wanted to experiment. Own that truth. Your friend is done. It actually is a basic act of self protection. Can’t you see that? Once you falsely accused her of sexual assault, she knew that you couldn’t be trusted. Associating with you became a serious risk.

    #836677 Reply
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    ron

    And if you are willing to label your ex-bf an Asshole and you had already broken up, why did you get back together, even briefly?

    You sound BADLY in need of therapy.

    #836685 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    My mind keeps coming back to this letter. It’s really that awful.

    “However, I was heartbroken and vulnerable and I felt she took advantage of that. She knew I was heterosexual, she knew everything about what I was going through. I felt she should’ve known better.”

    Your complaint is that she trusted you to tell her what you felt and wanted and you blamed her for trusting you. That is so twisted and warped. You were either lying in the moment or lying just after sex and you have the nerve to blame her.

    #836687 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Yeah, it seemed a rather extreme view at first, but yeah. Ron nailed it. You basically accused your best friend of being a sexual predator/rapist… even though YOU started it all…

    #836696 Reply
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    golfer.gal

    I’m with Skyblossom. Vile and toxic. Even in your retelling this is her “fault” instead of 100% your choices. Have you ever apologized to her? I mean no strings attached, no ulterior motive just letting her know how incredibly wrong you were. I mean, you did all that, and then you MADE HER APOLOGIZE TO YOU. You manipulated her into thinking she did something wrong. What the actual fuck? I would maybe reach out one last time, soley to say this “My actions at that time we’re abhorrent. What I did and said to you is unforgivable. I wanted to write this to let you know I am going to respect your wish for no contact between us, but I wanted to tell you if it may help you in any small way to know, that the intimacy we shared was wanted and asked for on my part, that my behavior afterwards was despicable, that you did nothing wrong, and that I deeply regret my behavior. Everything I said and did was a reflection of me, of my own self loathing and cruelty, not of you. I don’t ask your forgiveness, but if you even for a second believed my lies that what happened was somehow a failure or violation on your part, please know it was not”

    #836698 Reply
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    golfer.gal

    ETA the more I think about this the more disgusted I am. This makes me sick and so, so sad for the friend

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